NFL Draft 2012, or This Dog Is What Willis Is Talking About

I’ve done a great dealing and talking and emailing with what is left of my NFL connections (boy, things sure have changed over the past six years) and there is only one thing I know for certain that is rarely said: no one wants to be Jacksonville at 7 in round one. The first-round of this draft is heavy at the top six, then turns into role players and system players after that. The good news for teams like Indianapolis, St. Louis, and Cleveland is that after the seventh pick in the first round, these role players can be had for the 140. Thus, a good year to rebuild, but a bad year if you team is looking for that one last guy to push you into the next stratosphere of franchise-hood.

With that said, keep an eye on the number four pick. You have the big name quarterbacks going 1-2, and then Minnesota will tackle Matt Kalil, because they have to. Then, comes Cleveland. I heard different things from many different people. I gear general manager Tom Heckert likes Justin Blackmon and that would be his pick; team president Mike Holmgren is still trying to decide if Ryan Tannehill is a franchise quarterback, and I’ve heard The Browns might look to trade down as well. At the same time I have heard the Rams would like to trade up to take Tony Richardson, who I think is the best running back to come out in the past six years, and Jeff Fisher loves to draft running backs. I have no logical explanation for what I’m about to write, but I get a gut feeling Holmgren has lost confidence. His first two drafts for the Dawg Pound have been safe with little risk. I think he trades away the pick, or draft Richardson and swaps with St. Louis (ala Eli Manning with the Chargers and Giants), collects another quarterback-and absorbs some of the bounty the Rams obtained in RGIII trade with redskins. I’m certain you find this boring. On with the picks.

NFL Draft 2012 Round 1
1.) Indianapolis: Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
2.) Washington (via St. Louis): Robert Griffen III, QB, Baylor
3.) Minnesota: Matt Kalil, OT, USC
4.) Cleveland*: Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
5.) Tampa Bay: Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU
6.) St. Louis (via Washington)* : Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M
7.) Jacksonville: Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame
8.) Miami: Melvin Ingram, DE, South Carolina
9.) Carolina: Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State
10.) Buffalo: Riley Reiff, OT, Iowa
11.) Kansas City: Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi State
12.) Seattle: Luke Kuechly, LB, Boston College
13.) Arizona: David DeCastro, G, Stanford
14.) Dallas: Dontari Poe, NT, Memphis
15.) Philadelphia: Michael Brockers, DT, LSU
16.) New York Jets: Mark Barron, SS, Alabama
17.) Cincinnati (via Oakland): Janoris Jenkins, CB, N. Alabama
18.) San Diego: Whitney Mercilus, DE/OLB, Illinois
19.) Chicago: Jonathan Martin, OT, Stanford
20.) Tennessee: Quinton Coples, DE, North Carolina
21.) Cincinnati: Courtney Upshaw, DE/OLB, Alabama
22.) Cleveland (via Atlanta): Stephen Hill, WR, Georgia Tech
23.) Detroit: Stephon Gilmore, CB, South Carolina
24.) Pittsburgh: Dont'a Hightower, ILB, Alabama
25.) Denver: Cordy Glenn, G, Georgia
26.) Houston: Kendall Wright, WR, Baylor
27.) New England (via New Orleans): Nick Perry, DE/OLB, USC
28.) Green Bay: Shea McClellin, DE/OLB, Boise State
29.) Baltimore: Peter Konz, C, Wisconsin
30.) San Francisco: Coby Fleener, TE, Stanford
31.) New England: Devon Still, DE/DT, Penn State
32.) New York Giants: David Wilson, RB, Va. Tech

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
April 19, 2012

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).

1.) With the NFL Draft this Thursday I will be live tweeting the first round @timothybraun42. I expect buckets of trades.
2.) This dog is what I’m talking about. This dog is what Willis is talking about.
3.) I have no issue with the Pulitzer Prize withholding an award in fiction, but in a year where we saw a book like “We The Animals”, I consider this a thought crime.
4.) Speaking of crimes, this breakfast taco is a hate crime of the colon.
5.) 4/20. Today is the day suburban white kids emerge from their parent’s basement and remind us all they know half the lyrics to a few Bob Marley songs.

CODA
And for my Colts fans as we rebuild I think this, basically, how it will play out for us.
Round One, No. 1 overall: Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
Round Two, No. 34 overall: Mohamed Sanu, WR, Rutgers
Round Three, No. 64 overall: Alameda Ta'amu, NT, Washington
Round Four, No. 97 overall: Orson Charles, TE, Georgia
Round Five, No. 136 overall: Keith Tandy, CB, West Virginia
Round Five, No. 170 overall (comp pick): Gino Gardkowski, C, Delaware
Round Six, No. 206 overall (comp pick): Senio Kelemete, OL, Washington
Round Seven, No. 208 overall: Sammy Brown, LB, Houston
Round Seven, No. 214 overall (via trade with Jets): Chris Owusu, WR, Stanford
Round Seven, No. 253 overall (comp pick, a.k.a. Mr. Irrelevant): Adrien Cole, ILB, Louisiana Tech

A Paper Mâché Rhinoceros at the Tokyo Zoo, or The Worst Play Finger Puppet Play Ever Known For Jeff Mills on His 33rd Birthday

I have an assignment I do with my advanced playwrights at St. Edward's University in which I ask them to write the worst play "ever" while still using the principles of Aristotle's Poetics. The point of the exercise is to see how flexible and valuable the concept of Ol' Greek theatre is today, and to have a great deal of stupid-fun in the process.

This week, St. Ed's graduate and current collaborator, Jeff Mills, turned thirty-three. In making a present for him (I wanted to do something more personal than just buy him a book, or cd, or six pack) I decided to drop my assignment on myself in the name of silly-fun for Jeff. In the process I got inspired (as bad theatre will do) and constructed a soundtrack on 8tracks.com to go with this rather bad play. Oh, and, yes, I bought Jeff some finger puppets to go with the script.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
February 11, 2012


A Paper Mâché Rhinoceros at the Tokyo Zoo, or The Worst Play Finger Puppet Play Ever Known For Jeff Mills on His 33rd Birthday
By
Timothy Braun

NOTE: The soundtrack for this play can be found under the 8tracks.com/timothy_braun profile. Also, as you read these stage directions, please use a smoky, sexy voice in your head.

(This is world as small as kittens. A boy wears a mask with furry eyebrows, and a girl wears a Dallas Mavericks shirt. They make sounds for finger puppets from “The Royal Finger Puppet” collection. They wear these puppets because they have no mittens, and they make sounds because small talk makes them nervous. The soundtrack for this play is heard in the background.)

(The boy makes the sound of two pair of shoes when he needed three.)

(The girl makes the sound of small footsteps in the mourning. Or, morning, if you will?)

(The boy makes the sound of wearing his heart on her sleeve.)

(The girl makes the sound of a royal necklace breaking.)

(The boy makes the sound of an earring on a dinning room table, just before tea.)

(The girl makes the sound of a British Boy who thought Bowdoin was a good place to go to school.)

(The boy makes the sound of a doorway crawling across a field of glass.)

(The girl makes the sound of the sun cutting the clouds.)

(The boy makes the sound of being a John Hughes villain. Then, the boy takes off his finger puppets. “Take off your mittens”, he says. The music stops. You should be at track 6 by now.)

(The girl takes off her finger puppets, and the two touch fingers. Then, she makes the sound of “A Paper Mâché Rhinoceros at the Tokyo Zoo” as if all the “The Royal Finger Puppets” have heard this sound.)

(The boy makes the sound of not being surprised.)

(The girl makes the sound of “laughter”, and they never put their mittens on again. The music starts again, and the lights fade.)

(Stage lights come up on a boy in old cloths. He sits in bed with his dog and writes the worst puppet play in the world for Jeff Mills on his 33rd birthday.)

(End of Play.)

The Year That Was 2011

Due to time constraints, illness, and other deadlines; my annual year in review has been postponed until, well, next year. But, for now, I will say this; the best movies I saw all year were “The Trip”, and “Bellflower”; the best book I read was “We the Animals” by Justin Torress; Most Interesting website experiment had to be nowness.com; The Black Keys “El Camino” was my favorite album; best of the flicker box once again goes to “Louie” (the Dane Cook episode was dazzling); I saw a great deal of theatre and art this year, but none of it could be considered “Best Of” status; and the annual Mike Vanderjackt Liquored Up Idiot Kicker of the Year Award goes to the horrible Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona for his glorious burst of utter disregard for the consequences of his behavior when he said his lie about Planned Parenthood was “not intended to be a factual statement” statement.

James Joyce ends his novel “Eveline” with the words “She was tired”, and nothing more needed to be said. As we look back on 2011, a year with political explosions and pop culture roller coasters, I can honestly say “I am tired” (much like this picture of my dog, Dusty-Danger), and pleased to see that these are the last lines to the story that was 2011. When I get healthy again, and things slow down on the deadline-front, I will return with more comments.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
December 31st, 2011

Clarence Clemons, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Learn To Love Friday Night Videos.

When I was in the 6th grade I told my parents about a man playing the saxophone with Bruce Springsteen on Friday Night Videos. Clarence Clemons had a growling sound to his instrument that many in the 1980’s tried to imitate, but none could. The next week I started taking saxophone lessons and I quickly learned that I couldn’t imitate it either. Clemons was a rarity, and possible the last of now gone breed of animal. Without him, the rock ‘n roll saxophone solo is nothing more than cartoonish furniture masquerading as emotional resonance. In 2005 I was an artist-in-residency at the Edward Albee Foundation with Taylor Mac, Gabriel Ayerza, and Michael Krumenacker. We all became fast friends and spent a night building the “ultimate” Bruce Springsteen mix-disc. I insisted “Thunder Road” be in the mix, only for Clemons role in the song. The play list was in this order:

Growin’ Up
I’m On Fire
Badlands
Born To Run
The River
Streets of Philadelphia
Down Bound Train
One Step Up
Tunnel of Love
Thunder Road
Brilliant Disguise
Dancing In The Dark
My Home Town
Human Touch
Hungry Heart

For years after our residency I would listen to this mix everyday at the gym. When I see Gabe and Mike we still talk of mix disc, which I claim to be the best mix in the history of human sound. The saxophone solo at the end of “Thunder Road” always stones me. The song underwent considerable evolution as it was written, with an early version titled "Wings for Wheels" first performed at The Main Point in Bryn Mawr on February 5, 1975, two months before I was born. That phrase would be used in the final version of the lyrics. The original version also mentions a girl named "Angelina" (I named one my most produced plays after this) rather than the studio homage to "Mary". I love the story of that song and the raw power of Clemons, supported by the piano riff, blasts the ending into outer space. When I was a kid, Clemons looked like a giant on Friday night Videos. R.I.P. Clarence Clemons, "the Big Man" in the E-Street Band, has passed away at 69.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
June 19, 2011


Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) Just got back from Seattle. Had halibut ceviche, tequila chamucos, and Mexican Coke braised pork belly tacos with Gabriel Ayerza on Capital Hill in Seattle. Outstanding.
2.) I know it is a tourist trap, but I love Pike Place Market (pictured).
3.) Now back in Austin, I ate at Eastside Show Room for the first time in months with my financial advisor. Had the charcuterie and antelope tartare. Why must raw meat be bad for man when it tastes so good?
4.) Thinking heavily about the upcoming football season (I expect the labor deal to be settled by the end of the summer) and I think I like Kansas City more than I should.
5.) Also thinking about my upcoming trip to New York. Much business to do (readings, workshops, my agent, ect.) but looking forward to taking a day off and hitting Coney Island, if I can.