federal prisoner 30664

The Year That Was 2011

2011-12-31T17:50:00.005-06:00

Due to time constraints, illness, and other deadlines; my annual year in review has been postponed until, well, next year. But, for now, I will say this; the best movies I saw all year were “The Trip”, and “Bellflower”; the best book I read was “We the Animals” by Justin Torress; Most Interesting website experiment had to be nowness.com; The Black Keys “El Camino” was my favorite album; best of the flicker box once again goes to “Louie” (the Dane Cook episode was dazzling); I saw a great deal of theatre and art this year, but none of it could be considered “Best Of” status; and the annual Mike Vanderjackt Liquored Up Idiot Kicker of the Year Award goes to the horrible Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona for his glorious burst of utter disregard for the consequences of his behavior when he said his lie about Planned Parenthood was “not intended to be a factual statement” statement.

James Joyce ends his novel “Eveline” with the words “She was tired”, and nothing more needed to be said. As we look back on 2011, a year with political explosions and pop culture roller coasters, I can honestly say “I am tired” (much like this picture of my dog, Dusty-Danger), and pleased to see that these are the last lines to the story that was 2011. When I get healthy again, and things slow down on the deadline-front, I will return with more comments.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
December 31st, 2011

Clarence Clemons, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Learn To Love Friday Night Videos.

2011-06-19T11:50:00.002-05:00

When I was in the 6th grade I told my parents about a man playing the saxophone with Bruce Springsteen on Friday Night Videos. Clarence Clemons had a growling sound to his instrument that many in the 1980’s tried to imitate, but none could. The next week I started taking saxophone lessons and I quickly learned that I couldn’t imitate it either. Clemons was a rarity, and possible the last of now gone breed of animal. Without him, the rock ‘n roll saxophone solo is nothing more than cartoonish furniture masquerading as emotional resonance. In 2005 I was an artist-in-residency at the Edward Albee Foundation with Taylor Mac, Gabriel Ayerza, and Michael Krumenacker. We all became fast friends and spent a night building the “ultimate” Bruce Springsteen mix-disc. I insisted “Thunder Road” be in the mix, only for Clemons role in the song. The play list was in this order:

Growin’ Up
I’m On Fire
Badlands
Born To Run
The River
Streets of Philadelphia
Down Bound Train
One Step Up
Tunnel of Love
Thunder Road
Brilliant Disguise
Dancing In The Dark
My Home Town
Human Touch
Hungry Heart

For years after our residency I would listen to this mix everyday at the gym. When I see Gabe and Mike we still talk of mix disc, which I claim to be the best mix in the history of human sound. The saxophone solo at the end of “Thunder Road” always stones me. The song underwent considerable evolution as it was written, with an early version titled "Wings for Wheels" first performed at The Main Point in Bryn Mawr on February 5, 1975, two months before I was born. That phrase would be used in the final version of the lyrics. The original version also mentions a girl named "Angelina" (I named one my most produced plays after this) rather than the studio homage to "Mary". I love the story of that song and the raw power of Clemons, supported by the piano riff, blasts the ending into outer space. When I was a kid, Clemons looked like a giant on Friday night Videos. R.I.P. Clarence Clemons, "the Big Man" in the E-Street Band, has passed away at 69.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
June 19, 2011

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) Just got back from Seattle. Had halibut ceviche, tequila chamucos, and Mexican Coke braised pork belly tacos with Gabriel Ayerza on Capital Hill in Seattle. Outstanding.
2.) I know it is a tourist trap, but I love Pike Place Market (pictured).
3.) Now back in Austin, I ate at Eastside Show Room for the first time in months with my financial advisor. Had the charcuterie and antelope tartare. Why must raw meat be bad for man when it tastes so good?
4.) Thinking heavily about the upcoming football season (I expect the labor deal to be settled by the end of the summer) and I think I like Kansas City more than I should.
5.) Also thinking about my upcoming trip to New York. Much business to do (readings, workshops, my agent, ect.) but looking forward to taking a day off and hitting Coney Island, if I can.

Digestible Feats, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Start Loving the Fusebox Festival

2011-04-30T10:39:00.005-05:00

Let’s take a time out from my usual blogging responsibilities for Anthony Bourdain, all the jazz the kids at the Travel Channel ask me to do, football, and all that other stuff that buys my dog’s food to write about “Digestible Feats”, the collaborations between chefs and artists from other disciplines, including writers, musicians, sound engineers, actors, and graphic designers of the Fusebox Festival. The new series has quickly become the most innovative and buzzed about program at the festival and for damn good reason. These spectacular “feats” satisfy all senses, from tackling the mouth and nose, to romancing the ears and eyes, and even making the patron feel warm and fuzzy with the appropriate beverages. The list of events have been outstanding, featuring the finest Austin has to offer in their respected fields (possibly the country as well), but I’d like to take the time to touch on two memorable evenings I had with the Digestible Feats series this week.

Monday, April 25th
Composer Graham Reynolds teamed with Fino’s executive chef Jason Donoho and “beverage director” Josh Loving. The perfect pairing of one of the hottest musicians in a town known for musicians with a restaurant which is gaining steam with foodies. The audience encountered a three-course medley of specially designed vegan fair, and, without question, the best drinks I’ve had in years. First came an avocado fattoush salad with a lemon infused absinthe based drink called “White Girl”, partnered with a song entitled “The Cure”, an 80’s riff with Reynolds on piano accompanied by bass and drums. Usually I’m not a friend of absinthe (thank you for ruining that beverage, New Year’s Eve: 2001), but the White Girl was smooth and sweet and went well with the gorgeous salad and the subtle music that introduced the evening.

As the second portion of the evening appeared the song “Rejected Beauty” was, let’s say “ escorted” with harrisa glazed vegetables and Sloe Rye with whiskey, gin, vermouth and sherry. All of this was tops, but the beverage was superlative and played with my tongue the way a good drink should. I would write more about “Rejected Beauty”, but during the song I kept wondering if I could and should ask for another one of those unbelievable drinks. Not much thrills in the beverage world the way this drink did, I even told my dog about this drink. Mind you, I used to be a bartender in New York and used my own tongue as a ginueu pig for my own concoctions. I never came up with anything this good. The third slice of culinary and artistic fusion was a desert based in a creamy coconut cup topped with tangerines and a simple drink made with scotch and orange juice. But the definition of the desert was Reynolds’ final piece entitled “Spanish Spy Movie”, which overtook Fino like a restrained thunderstorm and ended the evening with crashes of lightning. Easily my favorite number of the night, Reynolds reminded everyone in the room that the food at Fino is fine, the beverages are unforgettable, but this was his night and when performing he owns the room. Although skilled and deep, Reynolds music is fun and the evening would have been short on charm if he were not at the piano or telling stories on how he built his fantastic songs with these fine chefs.

And Monday was just the appetizer on what was yet to come.

Tuesday, April 26th (one of the top ten best nights of my life, wedged between the Colts winning the Super Bowl in 2007, and a Bob Dylan concert I randomly attended in Belfast during the World Cup telecast in the summer of 1998 which featured free Guinness).

Every time Bourdain comes to Austin (about once a year now) I beg him to hit East Side Show Room where chef Sonya Coté has quickly created my favorite eatery in town. This event was nicknamed “Digestible Beats @ Springdale Farm” where Coté prepared a seven course outdoor picnic style feast that included veggie terrine with carrot pure, beets and parsley, chard and kaffir lime, green garlic shredded pork with pecans in shredded chard, smoked deviled duck eggs with lemon verbena, potatoes with beet gravy and edible flowers, fennel with honey and pequin peppers, whole smoked de-boned piglet with herbs (pictured), hen eggs and green garlic aioli, with pickled beet stems and fennel fronds. The music portion of the collaboration came from Foley artist Buzz Moran and musician Ben Webster (a.k.a. Butcher Bear) as they recorded the sounds of Springdale Farm, the preparation of the meal, and the comments of the people eating this feast. The meal was as good as anything I’ve had from Gabrielle Hamilton, Mark Miller, Daniel Boulud, or one of Bourdain’s sous-chef (sorry, chief, but you’d know I’m right if you would just eat at her damn restaurant the next time you came to Austin). None of my love for Coté is meant to over shadow the work of Moran or Butcher Bear. The evening worked in concert as perfectly as the flavors of the drink I feel in love with at Fino, and I can’t imagine the night without the loops of ducks quacking and people chomping over soft rhythmus.

I’ve been writing on art and food for a decade, while calling Austin my home base for the past five years. These combinations of Digestible Feats at Fusebox have removed the idea that Austin is just my home base, and is now simply my home. I have no problem with that. None. Not with the boys from Fino and Coté around. Not with Reynolds and Moran and Butcher Bear here to help my ears. Not with these “feats” to satisfy my senses.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
April 28, 2011

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) Obama releases his birth certificate. Thank God for that "investigation team" Trump sent to Hawaii.
2.) As I’ve been driving home late from Fusebox events all week long, I have been listening to a late night call-in radio show called “Love Lines” which is sophomoric, rude, and completely engrossing.
3.) Dragon Boat contest this weekend in Austin. I’ve got make time for this. If I wasn’t old I would love to join the Austin team.
4.) Eeyore’s birthday this weekend too. If I wasn’t old…I’ll just stop there.
5.) NFL Draft this weekend. So far I love what Houston, Detroit, and Buffalo have done.

CODA
This weekend Grrl Action is open to the public this Saturday April 30, 2011. It will be at Willow Arts Studio (1617 Willow St., Austin, TX, 78702) to support the “Year Round Grrls” as they present their art. If you can, please come out and support this very good program.

NFL Draft 2011: As Good As Facebook Friendship

2011-04-28T17:33:00.001-05:00

Our good friends at Bud Light have come up with a cunning contest. They will provide one lucky winner with $10,000,000.00 cash provided the contestant adds Bud Light as a Facebook friend and predicts all 32 first round NFL Draft picks correctly. Thus, by the end of this upcoming draft weekend Bud Light will have many more Facebook friends (which is stronger than the American dollar-and more appealing), and not blow a dime on the affair. No one will be calling this draft correctly.

The 2011 Draft has few stars, yet is more balanced then a pigpen in Farmville and will offer players that fit systems and philosophies, as opposed to prospects that are “can’t miss” or “no brainers.” Trades should become the norm across the three-day event, but attempting to predict those would be a tangled, hypothetical, web of comment threads. For example, I have heard Houston loves Patrick Peterson and will attempt to trade up for him, but with whom? Peterson could go any place from the first pick to the tenth pick. So, for this year’s predictions I’m not going to guess on the trades. But, let’s see what I can do when I keep the order in place. If I’m lucky, Bud Light will fork over $10 million for my predictions. Which would make them a “friend” with benefits.

NFL DRAFT 2011
1. Carolina, Cam Newton, QB, Auburn
2. Denver, Marcell Dareus, DT, Alabama
3. Buffalo, Von Miller, LB, Texas A&M
4. Cincinnati, A.J. Green, WR, Georgia
5. Arizona, Robert Quinn, LB/DE, North Carolina
6. Cleveland, Aldon Smith, DE, Missouri
7. San Francisco, Patrick Peterson, CB, LSU
8. Tennessee, Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn
9. Dallas, Tyron Smith, OT, Sothern California
10. Washington, Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri
11. Houston, Prince Amukamara, CB, Nebraska
12. Minnesota, Cameron Jordan, DE, California
13. Detroit, Anthony Castonzo, OT, Boston College
14. St. Louis, Julio Jones, WR, Alabama
15. Miami, Ryan Mallet, QB, Arkansas
16. Jacksonville, Da'Quan Bowers, DE, Clemson
17. New England (Via Oakland), Adrian Clayborn, DL, Iowa
18. San Diego, J.J. Watts, DE, Wisconsin
19. New York Giants, Gabe Carimi, OT, Wisconsin
20. Tampa Bay, Ryan Kerrigan, DE, Purdue
21. Kansas City, Phil Taylor, NT, Baylor
22. Indianapolis, Derek Sherrod, OL, Mississippi St.
23. Philadelphia, Nate Solder, OT, Colorado
24. New Orleans, Cory Liuget, DT, Illinois
25. Seattle, Colin Kaepernick, 6-5, 215, Nevada
26. Baltimore, Jimmy Smith, CB, Colorado
27. Atlanta, Muhammad Wilkerson, DL, Temple
28. New England, Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama
29. Chicago, Torrey Smith, WR, Maryland
30. New York Jets, Justin Houston, LB, Georgia
31. Pittsburgh, Aaron Williams, CB, Texas
32. Green Bay, Akeem Ayers, LB, UCLA

The NFL Draft is a three-day event starting April 28th-30th, starting at 7pm on ESPN and The NFL Network. Follow my live tweeting of the draft @tab42.

A Personal Note on Bourdain in Japan, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying And Love the Fusebox Festival

2011-04-25T09:10:00.002-05:00

Weeks before the devastating March 11th earthquake and tsunami and all-around destruction, Anthony Bourdain and his No Reservation crew set out to discover Japan's northern country called Hokkaido. Cold as Hell, and looking more like Cleveland than the Japan we have seen in past episodes of No Reservations, Bourdain finds an explosion in curried soup houses. This area once had only one such establishment, but now features over 200. Catch this clip and just try to tell me that soup would be fantastic on cold day.

Bourdain’s return to Japan is dropping right out of the sky exactly when I’m thinking of the country. More and more we see China as a foreign threat to the American way of life as they have now overtaken the Japanese economy as the second largest in the world. But when I was young Japan was the land America was talking of, a place that is isolated and deliberate in an alien-like culture. I was just thinking that Japan is a place where it is way of life when cities are gone in a blink of eye from bombs or natural disasters. When visiting Japan, maybe more than any place, you are stranger in strange land, and now that after the earthquake I’m even ore attracted to visit and observe as the islands try to move forward. And, most certainly, get some fine soup in the process. I must admit I’ve started looking for residencies there in my free time. Anthony Bourdain’s No reservations: Japan airs tonight at 9pm, Texas time, only on The Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
April 24, 2011

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) With the NFL Draft this Thursday I will be live tweeting the first round @tab42. I expect buckets of trades.
2.) If I were an NFL executive I would watch every minute of the Jon Gruden’s quarterback special on ESPN. Brilliant.
3.) I would love people’s opinions on this. Are war photographers rock stars? Are they glorified?
4.) F.O.T. Dennis O’Leary, the Executive Director of the Djerassi Residency Program, is retiring. Dennis is a fine guy. He was always keeping Djerassi classy.
5.) Playing with a new lens on my camera. This picture s inside an art instillation at the Seaholm Power Plant.
Coda
As the Fusebox Festival has now kicked off, we are moving headlong into “Digestible Feats” the unique program where artists are paired with chefs. Tonight I will be joining Fusebox and FINO for a 3-course tasting of music, cocktails, and tapas. This late-night feast pairs original compositions by Graham Reynolds with brand new cocktails by Josh Loving and specially created tapas by Jason Donaho, both of FINO. This one-time event at Fino begins at 9pm, but there are still a few seats left.

Tomorrow, Foley artist Buzz Moran and composer/musician Ben Webster (aka Butcher Bear), transform the sounds of a meal prepared by East Side Show Room’s chef Sonya Coté into a feast for the senses at Springdale Farm. This entire series can be found here.

I love Fusebox.

Bourdain in Boston, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Digestible Feats

2011-04-16T07:51:00.003-05:00

“No Reservations in Boston is not about the fine-dining establishments, nor is it about what new, young chefs are creating on the cutting edge of Boston cuisine. This episode is about the tough and infamous side of Boston. This episode is about Southie.”
-Anthony Bourdain

This week we have a lovely installment of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, the Chief visits Boston, the Mos Eisley of North America. Rarely do we see such scum and villainy as we do in Harvard Yard, or a Celtics game, or even the part of the Red Sox’s baseball field the townies call “The Green Monster”. Jabba the Hut (if that is how you spell his name, I found multiple spellings on Star Wars geek-site) was rather green, wasn’t he?

Boston has always been a blue collared town, and, traditional, we see the best food come out of cities with the dancing-class attitude. I think the best and most telling clip of this week’s episode is this one, in which Bourdain confronts an Irish breakfast sandwich, and discusses the merits of hangover food. Chowders everywhere should take note, as the Red Sox have played terrible to the start of this season that will only get longer. Catch the all-new Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations this Monday at 9pm, Texas time, only on The Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
April 15, 2011

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) The last time I thought I was in Boston I had taken a red-eye flight from Denver to JFK. I was so tired I thought the pilot had taken the plane to Logan by mistake. I still blame Jet blue and Boston for the early morning feeling of dread.
2.) With the NFL Draft coming up I am almost positive the Colts will go with a wide receiver, a running back, and a quarterback in the first four rounds. Last year they draft defense, and their M.O. is to alternate from one side of the ball to the other each draft respectively.
3.) Blaine Gabbert will be a Washington Redskin.
4.) Typing this in a Jiffy Lube over the sound of an over-zealous infomercial about a blender. Which brings me to…
5.) Was on a treadmill yesterday listening to Arcade Fire while three large screens TV’s played Glenn Beck, Judge Judy, and a Spanish language interview with Anne Hathaway. If there had been midgets a warm beer I would have been in a Dirk Gently story.
Coda
This year the Fusebox Festival introduces the exciting “Digestible Feats” a program pairing artists with chefs. The idea is to collaborate on a dish that would be “satisfying to different senses.” I find this so interesting festival artistic director, Ron Berry, gave me permission to repost the original blog here.

Digestible Feats with Lope Gutiérrez-Ruiz, Michu Benaim, and Chef Julio César of La Sombra
First posted by fuseboxfestival.com, Thursday, April 14th, 2011 at 7:06 am

This year we are introducing something new and rather exciting to Fusebox: “Digestible Feats” a new program pairing artists with chefs. The idea is to collaborate on a dish that would be “satisfying to different senses.”
The first offering was with Lope Gutiérrez-Ruiz and Michu Benaim, the editors of The Gopher Illustrated, a magazine featuring emerging talents in visual arts, literature and journalism with interest in bringing work from Latin America to an English-speaking readership. Fusebox paired the two with La Sombra, a restaurant focusing on capturing “the vibrant flavors and fresh ingredients of Central and South America” for Austinites. Benaim explains the process:

We met with Chef Julio César and with Cameron Lockley a few times to figure out what we should do. Evidently, coming up with some sort of philosophy that aligned our interests wasn’t all that difficult. The fact that we could easily find common ground presented a greater challenge, however, in that we needed to decide what it was that we wanted the dish to convey about Latin America, its food, its arts scene, and in particular, how we could make an authentic, fun and meaningful experience in the land of Tex-Mex.
Lope and I suggested that we hinge on the “emergent” aspect of the Gopher’s mission. Julio César provided an overview of emerging culinary trends in various parts of Latin America, particularly in Peru (where he was born) and Mexico. From the Gopher side of the table, we knew that we wanted to somehow incorporate a print or graphic element to the project.

We decided on versioning street food, knowing that there is probably nothing that embodies the marriage between youth culture, the fast pace of urban areas and the everyday presence of tradition better than the anticucheras, taquerías and areperas that we’d each frequented for so long. We went through a list of countries to include in the dish, knowing that we wanted to include a country in Central America, one on the Caribbean end of South America, and another from the southern region of South America. Lope and I are both Venezuelan, a country with a vast Caribbean coastline, and Julio Cesar’s expertise with Peruvian cuisine ensured the two countries’ representation in the plates. Mexico’s taquería culture, and the vast Mexican American community in Texas settled the matter.
Many years of cheesy, drippy arepas taught us the importance of those faux-napkins in the presentation of the dish. Likewise, taquerías and anticucheras present their cheap, delicious fare in similar cheap not-quite-napkins. These are less napkins than they are grease blotting devices; functional, small and designed for you to eat fast and standing.

Given that Julio César was going to gourmetize street fare, we decided to dress up the grease napkin. La Sombra already used wax squares of blotting paper, so we created three designs, one for each element in the dish. Each of these designs features a common saying from the food’s country of origin, taken from the cultural vernacular. The phrase is printed in Spanish, and an English translation is included on the bottom. The graphics that we used were designed to reflect aesthetic trends in the Graphic Design scenes in Caracas, Mexico DF and Lima, incorporating traditional elements from the countries they represent.
We ordered some rather large rubber stamps, researched and purchased food-safe, non-toxic inks, and hand-stamped a bazillion grease-napkin-waxy-paper-things. The dishes are plated on top of the stamped napkins, and you can use them to grab your arepa.

The lowdown on the dishes (pictured):
Mexico: Seared tuna taco with chile lime mayo, jicama, pickle radish y serrano chilies
Venezuela: Arepa de pabellón with black beans and smoked and fried plantains
Perú: Anticucho de corazón (beef heart skewers) with rocoto sauce, rosé potatoes and choclo

Bourdain In Brazil, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love the Griffith Observatory

2011-04-03T08:20:00.002-05:00

This Monday No Reservations will be taking the night off because only an idiot would première a new episode of a shockingly famous and profitable television series opposite the NCAA Male Basketball Final, the second most watched sporting event in the United States. However, I do have a lovely taste of what is yet to come. Next Monday, April 11th, Anthony Bourdain takes his road show to Brazil, one of the fastest growing countries on the planet. For this reason Brazil was awarded the Olympics just one year ago.

The clip I’ve chosen to share (The Travel Channel just doesn’t provide as many as they used to) is the perfect example of a growing country, with a robust economic environment, and a taste for fine food. I’ve always believed that one can tell the most about a culture by its street food, and the people who eat it. Watch and listen closely to what Bourdain’s sidekick says about Brazilian women in this clip as they wait for pork sandwiches cover in coleslaw and mayo. Remember, this all-new episode airs on April 11th, 9pm Texas Time, only on The Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
April 3rd, 2011

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) Hate to “predict” these things, but I think Butler will beat the Huskies.
2.) I turn 36 on Tuesday and not a single Make-A-Wish kid has asked to meet me. Sadness.
3.) Breaking down the upcoming NFL Draft and I wouldn’t touch Arkansas QB Ryan Mallet with a ten-foot pole. He’s the next Ryan Leaf.
4.) However, I love Colin Kaepernick, the intelligent leader from Nevada. Starting to think the Buffalo Bills will select him at the top of round two.
5.) Sticking with football, I think some of the best offensive linemen are coming out of small schools this year. Watch for Brandon Fusco of Slipper Rock, Mike Person from Montana State, and William Rackley of Lehigh to be a steal for teams like the Colts, the Steelers, and Detroit in the later rounds.

CODA
I apologies for being gone from the blog of late, I went to Los Angeles for a reading of an old play of mine at the California Institute of the Arts and returned to Austin with a vicious virus. After a round of high-octane antibiotics I’m starting feel much better.

Among my favorite aspect of the City of Angles is the rich architecture, and dream covered views. The picture on this post is from the Griffith Observatory over looking the haze-covered metropolis.

Bourdain in Nicaragua, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Madness of March

2011-03-14T10:04:00.003-05:00

I think most Americans know, or think of, Nicaragua the Eagan era Iran-Contra scandal, but I question how many American scan find the country on a map. This Monday, Anthony Bourdain and the No Reservation team find Nicaragua on the map-a country filled to the eyeballs with delicious meat and potatoes, iguanas, and yummy bull testacies. I would write more, but I am exhausted from the start of SXSW and the end of Honk! this weekend. So, catch this week’s preview clip here while I catch some rest, and don’t miss Anthony Bourdain’s: No Reservation’s this Monday at 9pm, Texas Time, only on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
March 14th, 2011

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) SXSW still has one full week left to go, and the tourists are already getting on my nerves.
2.) Honk! TX, the festival of community streets bands, was a smashing good time this weekend.
3.) I had dinner with F.O.T. Val Agostino last night for the first time in sixteen years. Had a great time.
4.) We have many ways to cook bacon.
5.) NFL labor dispute? It’ll get ironed by September. I hope. Until then, we will just have to kick back and enjoy March Madness. Keep your eye on Pitt.

Bourdain in Cambodia, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Start Loving The Inspector Cluzo

2011-03-05T08:49:00.004-06:00

This week on No Reservations, Bourdain returns to Cambodia, one of the more mystifying and misunderstood countries on the planet, or at the very least to westerners. Over the years Bourdain has often taken on his own persona, and his show has become a representation of gonzo-journalism that weighs heavy on the watch-ability of the program, but he does include various segments in this epthat focuses on deep appreciation for what brought most fans to the show in the first place: food and travel. This clip of touring the countryside and randomly falling upon a street side eatery for some real spring rolls (not that flash fried jazz one finds at Wok ‘n Roll) is what makes No Reservations so interesting. Catch Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservation’s Cambodia episode this Monday, March 7, at 8pm Texas time, only on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
March 5th, 2011

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) Finally reading Rick Perlstein’s Nixonland, which chronicles the division of culture and politics that haunts America today. Deep and insightful, the book is a road map to the neo-cons and liberal punditry that sets the tone of our current political discourse.
2.) If you haven’t seen HBO’s Reagan documentary, it is a must. The flick takes a hammer to the mythology and treats Reagan as fair as anything I’ve ever seen, showing the former actor turned politician for what he was: human.
3.) My cardiologist has explained the immense level of unadulterated pain in my chest is from my recently discovered heart murmur, but this week I’m certain the discomfort comes from former Colt’s safety Bob Sanders signing with the San Diego Chargers. I was mentally prepared for the oft-injured hammer of justice to leave my favorite team and offer his services to a rival, but signing with the piss-drunk bastards that are the Chargers in the A.J. Smith era is the same as my trusted dog stabbing me in the heart with a milk bone.
4.) With SXSW fast approaching, I’m looking forward to catching the French band The Inspector Cluzo, and unrelenting duo of sonic politics. Their song “French Bastards” is as fun as it gets.
5.) If you haven’t caught the "StarTalk" conversation between Neil deGrasse Tyson and John Hodgman, you can catch it here.
CODA
Always pitied people who bought houses but after scoping a cute-little-place and talking to a mortgage broker and an agent on how to obtain the joint I'm now bewildered. Who in their right mind would buy any house? This makes no financial sense and you're stuck for 30 years. Why not burn all your disposable income and lash a bag of wet cement to your ankle? I'm befuddled. I'm nose deep in befud.

Bourdain in Haiti, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love This World

2011-02-25T15:58:00.002-06:00

As Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations returns, I’m going to try an experiment this season. I’m going to (gulp) try the old fashion cliché of “showing” instead of telling. The news season kicks-off with a trip Haiti, a country dealing with a cholera epidemic and an impending hurricane. During his trip, Bourdain meets with super-actor and social activist. Sean Penn in the tent city built by his relief group. At the end of his trip, Bourdain is unsure of what the future will hold for Haiti. The most telling part of the trip is in this video, which, I am hoping will do the showing that I wish to project.

Watch the link here of Haiti's legendary hotel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
February 25th, 2011

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) An Egyptian has ordered pizzas for Wisconsin protesters. I love this world.
2.) Writing an essay to the irresponsible Texas House measure directing universities to allow concealed handguns on campus and realizing this thing could do wonders for organ donation. If the occasion arises I would like my baby blues to go to Stevie Wonder.
3.) I have asked precious little from this world, but I ask for a sequel to The Losers. An unapologetic thrill-omedy featuring Jeffrey Dean Morgen (a poor man's Javier Bardem) and the immensely watchable Chris Evans should not go down in B- movie history as a singular happening.
4.) O.J. Mayo to the Pacers…ALMOST ARGH! All we needed was one proven shooter from the outside and…ARGH!!!!!!!
5.) Disappointed Ken Jennings didn't smote IBM's Watson on Jeopardy and drop from exhaustion with his buzzer in hand like a nerdy John Henry. Did you miss me? Nice to be back.

The Year That Was 2010

2010-12-27T08:46:00.011-06:00

“The word is about, there's something evolving,
whatever may come, the world keeps revolving
They say the next big thing is here,
that the revolution's near,
but to me it seems quite clear
that it's all just a little bit of history repeating

The newspapers shout a new style is growing,
but it don't know if it's coming or going,
there is fashion, there is fad
some is good, some is bad
and the joke is rather sad,
that its all just a little bit of history repeating…”

-Shirley Bassey

With all due respect to Shirley Bassey, and to a lesser extent our good friends with Propellerhead, I begin to differ. History does not repeat. We have seen years like 2010, but nothing exactly the same. Let’s review...

The Paris Review
The health care debate, the first of its kind since the Clinton initiative in 1993, was slugged with lies, damned lies and statistics regarding abortion funding and death panels, but the health care bill passed this year thanks to a blue dog Dem named Bart Stupack. The conservative congressmen from Michigan, who had made his bones on the pro-life movement, stood tall and organized other blue dogs to support the bill after Obama promised no monies in the bill would lead to abortions. As the bill was voted on the G.O.P losers shouted “Baby Killer” at Stupack, an act akin to calling a Red Sox fan a Yankee, or a Shark a Jet (but worse), we could all see the look on Stupack’s face. He knew his political life was over. Like Paris leaving the walls of Troy to certain death, Stupack sacrificed himself so millions of Americans could have basic health coverage. As the years go by I doubt people will recall what this man did for America, but he did it with honor and integrity in the midst of lies. I thank him for that. Last November Dems like Stupack lost the re-election battles because of this, but I they may have won the war. Just look at this essay on Slate.

Person of the Year: Dan Savage
With full disclosure Dan has been kind and complimentary to my writing in the past, but this award has nothing to do with those matters. With a rash of homosexual suicides across the country, the editor of The Stranger and constant This American Life contributor put together the “It Gets Better” project, where straights and gays alike tell stories and promise young gays to not abandon hope and life. But, what Dan didn’t mean to do with this website was communicate with honesty to straights how hard it is to be gay. With these stories the tellers murder gay stereotypes, and that is the only way it will ever get better for not only gay American, but also the country as a whole.

Stimulus Money
So, where did it all go from the 2009 stimulus? Looks a lot like The New Deal to me.

Mike Vanderjackt Liquored Up Idiot Kicker of the Year: Eric Cantor
The G.O.P. representative from Virginia had stiff competition this year. Oh, we had the Tea Party faithful, Glenn Beck but together his lie-rally so he could sucker more twits out of money, and we even saw the return of my old nemesis Tom DeLay. Yet, Cantor took the cake. This repugnant scum was “owned” by Obama in the heat of the health care debate, as the POTUS surgically sliced his hollow talking points to ribbons, but when Cantor took control as the Majority Leader in the House o’ reps he has encouraged his voters to go to his website and recommend programs and funding the voters wish to have cut from the budget. How might they know what to “cut”? Well, Cantor has a sexy website called “YouCut” where you “suggest” what to cut like “Terminate Tax Funding for National Public Radio”, the “new non-reformed” welfare program (it’s non-reformed because Eric didn’t like it), and cutting grants that have the word “culture” attached to it. Cantor gives his people the chance to cut humanitarian programs, so he can say, “the people choose” what to cut, remove all responsibility from the gutless bastard. All of this comes on the heels of Cantor threatening to remove cash from the Smithsonian because he thought the art was offensive (by the way, they actually did remove the art which was ants crawling on Jesus. Hey, Eric, Google “Mapplethorpe”.) Cantor gets this award because unlike Stupack, or Obama, or even Dan Savage, he shows no responsibility for his worthless, drunken behavior. Worse yet, Obama and Stupack might be making enemies with some of their voters, but at least they aren’t pandering to them. Cantor plays fast and loose with the facts and pretends to be cavalier with the American budget, but what is clear about Cantor’s lack o' grace is that he doesn’t care about America as whole, only what he appears to be to his voters, like a drunk frat boy trying to pass a sobriety test. And, like that drinking frat boy, Eric Cantor is a danger now that he is behind the steering wheel of law making. Glenn Beck might be a fraud, but Cantor is a fraud who makes laws.

Runner-up: James Frey. The self-professed “Bad Boy” of the literary world has created a sweatshop of MFA students to write young adult lit that he slaps his name on, giving false hope to these kids that they will make it big under his soiled name. The infamous Frey is not the bad boy of literature, he is the bad guy and he has earned every piece of scorn that has come his way.

The Arts
I saw art in Austin, New York, San Francisco, San Jose, and Santa Fe this year. Same as it is ever was, I consider SITE Santa Fe to be among the best galleries in the United States. This summer SITE ‘s Eight International Biennial featured The Dissolve, a sorely needed presentation of contemporary animation. Animation is the most delicate and visceral of the arts, and I applaud not only the fact that SITE pushed forward with the project, but bringing the haunting work of such animators as Oscar Munoz, Bernie Searle, and Brent Green to a larger audience.

The Webs
Everynone. Pictures are worth a thousand words. With that, check out “Words”. I use this video in my writing labs emphasizing that things don’t happen one after another in writing, things happen because of one another.

The Tweets
"Let's not forget who killed Jesus -- ambitious politicians pandering to religious
Conservatives." -Patton Oswalt
This year on Twitter I was placed on a “list” by @1776LibertyBell, a person who seems to watch a great deal of Glenn Beck. The list is called “Gay-Hate-Mongers-Of-Glenn-Beck”. I wrote Mr. Liberty Bell and explained that I am not “gay”, I am “happy”. Sadly, this twitter user has blocked me for my offense. I was going to send him a fruitcake for Christmas but I can’t get his address because, you know, the whole “blocking” thing.

The Stages
LA based Cloud Eye Control’s “Under Polaris” was twisted, weird, fun, and very beautiful all at the same time. I don’t believe in most theater anymore, but I believe in Cloud Eye Control.

The Foods
I had a hard time saying goodbye to CBGB’s, but the beyond lifeless rock club has been replaced by DBGB’s. Chef Daniel Boulud gave me the best meal I have eaten in years. The setting might be glass and steel, but the food is splendid combination of thought and reason. And I had the burger with glass of Hudson Valley Bourbon on the side. Simply fantastic booze.

The Drinks
See above.

The Music
Album of the Year: The National’s High Violet,
It is best to hear High Violet as the third part of a somber trilogy that started as a game between lovers with the band’s Alligator, then continued with the famed Boxer, and now the closing act of High Violet. No song sticks out (Okay, maybe “Bloodbuzz Ohio”), rather the album functions as a Rubik’s cube poetic adjustments to post-modern, post–Bush America. Each line is like a Sunday morning crossword gone wrong. “I still owe money to the money to the money I owe” is only trumped by lines like “Lay my head on the hood of your car, I'll take it too far”.

Song of the Year: The Hold Steady’s “The Weekenders”
The episodic Twin City rock band (by way of Brooklyn) has churned out the most heart breaking and thought provoking albums of the past ten years, but last May’s release of Heaven is Whenever was an uneven collection of love songs and riffs on relationships. However, the album still generated the best song of the year in “The Weekenders”, about a weekend hook-up that went wrong when longing came creeping into the picture. With lines like “The theme of this party was the industrial age, and you came in dressed as a train wreck”, my envy for lead singers/song writer Craig Finn’s talents will not die easily.

Arcade Fire (They get their own category)
Frontman Win Butler grew up in the suburbs of Houston, an archetype of U.S. cities designed around the automobile: a giant, sprawling mess of endless pavement, strip malls, and prefabricated buildings. Butler understandably feels suffocated by the environment, but on his band’s not coincidentally sprawling third album, he finds a romance to times and places that never were. The Suburbs can be dense and should be heard in the comfort in your own home, but it also features some of Arcade Fire’s rhythmus and riffs to date. Check out the interactive video to “The Wilderness Downtown”. Place your zip code in and let Google maps do the rest.

The Movies
Only one movie knocked me out this year and that was Life 2.0. An in-depth study of four people sucked into the world of the virtual reality “game” Second Life, Life 2.0 delivers what second Life can’t: an ice cold glass of reality to people desperately attempting to escape it. This documentary was a none-stop surprise to me, not from the fantastic, but from the subtle. With that said, Scott Pilgrim was a fuck-ton of fun with its fantastical world. The fight between with the Katayangani Twins was just sick.

The Flicker Box
Archer on FX was nothing less than a brilliant combination of James Bond meeting a bottle of Boones Farm on a Friday night. Gleefully stupid, and close to negligent, Archer showed a fearlessness to comedy that we rarely see this side of South Park.

Louis
The people at FX should snag a Peabody for this semi-autobiographical show that portrays the life and times of a middle-aged white comic in New York with razor sharp accuracy. In this show Louis C.K. is less “funny ha-ha” and more “funny surreal”, more expressionistic, more self-aware in a dangerously dark way. I identified with every aspect and every scene in his life, all the way down to his opening credit entrance from the 4th street subway station on 6th Avenue, my old subway stop from when I was a New Yorker.

Magic & Bird: A Courtship of Rivals on HBO documented the importance of enemies in ways few have. The relation between the two basketball greats was more like that of Mark Twain and Nikola Tesla than Ali and Frazer. Electric and poetic, this documentary made me pine for a great basketball rivalry once again.

The Reads
Mark Twain’s Autobiography. Dead or alive, Twain is, and always will be, the best of American authors. His long awaited autobiography reminded us of the best Americans can be. It took Twain thirty or forty tries to get it “right”, but twain made the choice to dictate his autobiography in scenes and moments as he died. He made choices, just we have choices, and we must choose wisely, and Twain’s best line?

“History doesn’t repeat. It Rhymes.”

History is not destined to repeat itself, Ms. Bassey. History offers us, humans, men, women, Americans, musicians, authors, artists, chefs, and politicians a thousand paths in the road on any moment on everyday. We pick and choose how history will unfold and reflect our times, much in the way political parties lose and gain control, or what burgers we choose to eat at fancy restaurants. This year we saw after some debate the repealing of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, the dumbest and most embarrassing acts of recent years started by the Clintons in 1993, and the introduction of health care. 2010 could have looked a lot like the early 1990’s, but we made choices and sang a different song. Clinton era failures became Obama successes. You are right, Dan Savage. It does get better.

Timothy Braun
December 27, 2010
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind, super-sized for 2010)
1.) Wikileaks and Julian Assange are missing from the key points in my essay because I have no clue as to what they have been to 2010. I think we should have a better understanding of what this Assange and his followers mean for the world in the years to come. Is this an information revolution, or is this just gossip?
2.) This year humans cut global demand of oil by ten million barrels.
3.) We said good-bye to Lost with the most haunting image they had generated to date: as the final credits rolled no music played, just a picture of the plane wreckage on the beach.
4.) Newt Gingrich said the Chinese have 0 capital gain taxes, and we should be more like those cats. So, Newt, we should be more like the communists?
5.) I think Obama has something up his sleeve with new tax bill. Dems may not be thrilled with it, but I believe Obama is thinking long ball and putting pieces in place for a large, sweeping chess-like move against the G.O.P. What that is, I have no idea.
6.) The first-ever global census of marine life was published in 2010. We have 250,000 species under the sea. Cool.
7.) “The Modern Century” retrospect by Henry Carter-Bresson went on tour. Amazing art.
8.) After seven years, “Operation Iraq Freedom” ended. Fox News spent less then ten minutes covering this withdraw. MSNBC invested days to this event.
9.) Citizen’s United was able to get 100 years of law killed in the Supreme Court, which will now allow unlimited corporate money to be donated to political campaigns. I’m certain this won’t come back to chew us in the ass.
10.) Angry Birds is an immensely enjoyable game that combines math, strategy, a full-tilt ass-whippin’. No wonder it was the top game of 2010.
11.) The rent is too damn high.
12.) All I want for Christmas is for Sarah Plain to read, watch, and study every aspect of the life of Elizabeth Edwards.
13.) Trains tell all. Amtrak will have a speed-train up in 15 years. On the same day this was announced a Chinese train broke a land speed record. This is not your father’s Chinese dynasty, but it sure is starting to sound a lot like the ones we used to hear about.
14.) Rhetorically, is the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell problematic for right-wingers who say they support our troops all the time? Don't they need to support gay rights as well? Sarah Palin can't say she supports some of our troops. That wouldn't look good on her twitter feed. Perhaps it is too early in the morning for this line of thinking. More Patron, waiter.
15.) Once again on this blog, good-bye to Howard Zinn. I could not teach what I do without Howard, I could not write what I do without his voice in my ear, and I never gave a damn about the Boston Red Sox until him.
CODA
5 yrs ago I was hired to write a comic for Michael Chabon/Dark Horse they never published. I got home from Houston to a package from my boy, lighting designer/artist Chris Brown, who illustrated the story for my Christmas present. Will celebrate with pizza flavored Combos. BTW, the story I was hired to write was for Michael’s “Escapist” line. It’s a trip off the Icarus myth. Mr. Brown’s art is filled with awe, and the ink is so rich it looks as if it could drip off the pages. He also illustrated one of my short plays, and an interaction I had with a British performance artist I often joke about. Outstanding.

Madrid, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Kansas City Chiefs

2010-09-11T08:27:00.004-05:00

Spain's national “futbol” team won the World Cup on July 11th, 2010. The No Reservations crew just happened to visiting Madrid at the time (the boss always seems to end up in the right place at the right time). The win was much bigger than sports. It marked a significant day in history when this large and diverse country found a moment of pride after a less than lustrous 20th century.

The clash between old food tradition and rebellious new creativity is especially prominent in Madrid. Bourdain hits a few spots stuck in time. These are the type of places Bourdain is known to love; young, fresh, and exciting restaurants. Bourdain visits one of the most difficult to visit in all of Europe, which is booked to a point that the owner and service manager had to open the joint specially for Bourdain…on their wedding day! Moral of the story? Never get married.

The one thing Spanish, that both Bourdain and I love above all others, is the swine. To be more specific, Jamón Ibérico ham. It can only come from the rare black hoofed pig, and must be raised in the western region of Spain. It is then cured for about four years at a precise level of humidity. A life without sweet ham is a nasty sin. Bourdain has been to Spain on many occasions, but never has he explored Madrid in such detail. You can catch an all-new Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservation, this Monday at 9pm Texas Time, only on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
September 11th, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) On this anniversary of the terrible attacks on New York, and DC (and the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania) I am always annoyed at the political twits that invoke this day who weren’t there (I am looking at you, Former Half-term Gov of Alaska). I was in New York, and the matter that made the whole attack human for me was the silence after, how quiet the New York became. The silence was terror for me, and brings me to one of my favorite Richard Foremen quotes, “Silence is not golden”.
2.) I love Phil Davison. He has a master’s degree IN COMMUNICATION!
3.) The beverages at Eastside Show Room (pictured) are to die for. The other night I had a French 75 with an old NYC amigo in town. I could visit this joint every night.
4.) This week the AV Club asked the “Time Travel Theoretical” with Patton Oswalt and roger Ebert. You can catch it here. My answer? I would be interested in the 1920's in either New York or Paris. If I am in NYC I could hang out a speak easy, catch The Wild Party, observe Dorothy Park and her Vicious Circle (I would love to hear Harpo Marx speak), catch the birth of the Off-Broadway movement, and see Babe Ruth play for the Yankees. That, and the NY Giants where formed in 1924. However, if I choose Paris I could loiter around Shakespeare And Co. or Les Deux Magots, hang with Gertrude Stein, Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott (I'd probably flirt with Zelda) and mingle with a half-blind James Joyce. That, and try my best not make Picasso angry. Oh, and the FOOD!
5.) With the return of football, I think Kansas City might be my surprise team this year.

What Were We Thinking, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Realized I Loved Nate Davis

2010-09-03T17:52:00.003-05:00

100 episodes ago, and what feels like a million years ago, Anthony Bourdain and the No Reservations crew went to Paris. It felt is appropriate that for the 100th episode, they should go back. Cuisine in Paris is often considered the best in the world. When you come from a system that is renowned, and established, there is a lot of pressure to do things the "right" way.

The food scene in Paris however has gone through some definite changes since No Reservations was last in the city. There are exciting new chefs who dare to challenge the status quo. There is a move toward faster, more casual environments, much like you would find in New York City.

However, in Paris, it is impossible to escape the classic and the traditional. Why would you want to? There are so many great things to enjoy in this city nobody could possibly come here and forget anything they experienced. What a perfect way to cap off the first 100 great episodes. It will be an episode that you will not soon forget.

It takes a special kind of person to work in television, and when I mean special I mean stupid. It is rare to find someone crazy enough to think they can create a show and be successful. “What We Were Thinking” is a special behind the scene look at the No Reservations crew that gives us an inside look at the people who make No Reservations happen. Don’t miss an all-new Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations this Monday at 9pm, Texas time, only on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
September 3, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) Watching Arizona Governor Jan Brewer debate is like watching an eight year old get drunk.
2.) Sharon Angle claims unemployment insurance “really doesn’t benefit anyone”, and when she means “anyone” she means people who have jobs. Keep in mind, Angle is running for the senate in Nevada where unemployment is the worst in all of the fifty states.
3.) Glenn Beck lied about holding Washington’s stuff at his rally. (Sigh). I wonder if “The Spirit” (as Glenn likes to call it) told him to lie when it spoke to him.
4.) Glad to see Nate Davis made the 49ers. I think he has talent, but he needs to learn how to work harder. However, I am not pleased the NFL has cut the suspension of Ben Roethlisberger from six games to four for, well, treating women badly. What kind of message is the NFL sending with this cut?
5.) Playing with a new function on my camera. Having loads of fun playing with black and white right now.

Bourdain’s Making of India, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Fraud-For-Profit That Is Glenn Beck

2010-08-27T19:35:00.003-05:00

In the spring of 2010 Zero Point Zero productions sent a No Reservations crew to Kerala, India to make some fine television. They also sent an extra camera operator and show producer to document the entire process. The Making of India episode is a candid look into the inner workings of No Reservations, the Emmy Award winning travel program.

The first step to building an episode is pre-production and research for the planned location. It begins about 4 weeks ahead of the actual trip... and it usually starts very slowly. There is so much thinking and logistics that goes into planning out every scene that "it's like planning a dysfunctional family vacation."

Once the original planned scenes are set, it is time to call the "fixers." The crew gets a hold of someone who lives in the country and really knows the area. The fixers help out with planning and logistics and also help to suggest great scenes for the show. After the headache inducing work is done, it is time to head into the country and shoot some great television. It is tough. The hours are long. And it wears you down. Sometimes people want to know if The Boss is losing interest in travel. His honest response? "No. I'm addicted to this. This isn't going away." You can catch Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations this Monday at 9pm, Texas Time, only on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
August 27, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind: special addition for Glenn Beck and his lie-rally this 8-28-10).
1. Tomorrow, the anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech, Glenn Beck will give his own speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on how we can reclaim the honor of America. Interesting, I wonder why Beck thinks we have lost our honor? Glenn Beck, why do you hate America? Do you know the expression “love it, or leave it?”
2. Many people (Patton Oswalt comes to mind) have called Beck crazy. I think it is wrong to say ol’ G.B. is nuts. Crazy people know not what they do. Beck knows what he is doing. Beck is a fraud. He lies and misleads to make money.
3. Glenn Beck lies, you ask? Yes. Check the Pulitzer Prize winning Politifact.com.
4. Personally, I hope Beck has a safe, happy, health time at his fraud-for-profit event. With one exception. I hope an endangered bird poops on him while he speaks. And, I hope that bird is gay, and on his way to Canada for a soy-latte with other gay-endangered animals.
5. I bet your wondering why a picture of my beloved sidekick, Dusty-Danger, is linked to this post? Because I feel what Beck will do tomorrow is beyond wrong and tasteless. Beck is committing fraud on a level we rarely see. He is perpetuating fear to make money from sad people. Tomorrow, the modern day P.T. Barnum will give his greatest show, with a cavalcade of circus freaks (Sarah Palin), hoaxing heightened emotions in hard times. Dusty, in my eyes, is a better animal then Glenn Beck. I would charge the gates of Hell for my dog, my family, my friends, and my students. I wouldn’t walk to 7-11 for Glenn Beck.

Back to Beirut, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Broken Spoke

2010-08-21T12:51:00.004-05:00

The last time Anthony Bourdain left Beirut it was not a happy time for him, his crew, several of my friends or for the people of Beirut. One of the most vivid memories from the 2006 trip was looking out at the airport, and seeing it bombed. In the first few days of that trip, Beirut had a closer resemblance to Miami Beach than to a city under siege, but it soon turned sour as the Israelis’ decimated the city. Bourdain and his team soon found themselves in the middle of a war, holed up in the confines of a luxury hotel.

Back in the 1960's Beirut was known as the Paris of the Mediterranean. Living in Lebanon are many different groups, languages, ethnicities, religions, sects, interests, and political factions. Thus, the city has problems. Downtown is trendy, new, and hip, but travel ten minutes away and you see the destruction from the war. One is just as likely to meet a model or an entrepreneur, as you are to meet a soldier or a Hezbollah supporter. However, with all of the cultural diversity comes an incredible mix of foods.

Some Lebanese believe the reason so many people are fighting over the land is because it is so lovely. Between the gorgeous coastline, the mountains, the seafood, lamb, and produce, it is place that is not hard to fall in love with. On the face, Beirut seems like a dream city among the Arab world, but they just can't seem to catch a break. Watch Bourdain return to the cite of his darkest adventure this Monday at 9pm, Texas Time, only on The Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
August 21, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) 1 in 5 Americans apparently think President Obama is Muslim. In related news, 4 in 5 Americans are getting tired of tolerating that one dumb guy
2.) After two weeks of preseason football, the Patriots scare me. They played the Falcons in mid-season form (in mid-August) and the power running formation could be lethal against the Colts speed and the Jets aggression.
3.) I wonder what Sarah Palin would say if Dr. Laura had said, “retard”. Palin’s “don’t retreat, reload” comment to the disturbed doctor is a reaffirmation of that brainless stunt show Palin has become. I guess you say Palin is "retarded" for Dr. Laura. Actually, I won't guess on that one.
4.) The president’s dandy vacation reading material includes "Tinkers" by Paul Harding and "A Few Corrections" by Brad Leithauser. Yet another reason I voted for this guy.
5.) Had a great time with at The Broken Spoke with the visiting Alex Smith, Oly, Nina, and Jeanne last night. Truly an Austin treasure and historic joint to two-step, but the cool stuff that liters the place is off the charts. Just check out the picture. oh, and I think i want to learn more about this Texas two-stepping stuff.

Rome, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Scott Pilgrim

2010-08-13T17:59:00.002-05:00

Rome. Anthony Bourdain has never been to Rome. Yeah, I was surprised at that too. He has been all over the world, even all over Italy, but has never had the pleasure of stopping at one of the most famous cities in the world. Bourdain's idea of Rome is mostly formed from what he has seen in films from the 1960's -- films that were of course in black and white. Since being a host of a Travel Channel does have the occasional perk, we get to see Rome in the way that Bourdain sees it.

What unfolds is a nice look at a beautiful city with foods that many people can only dream about. Bourdain begins with masterfully crafted bread, four year old fresh cut cheese, and a perfect prosciutto. No trip to Rome is complete without trying some classic pasta dishes. It is possible, even likely these days, to eat bad food in Rome. In places that are frequently visited by outsiders, businesses are not rewarded for serving good food, but if you know where to look it is still possible to find an old school Roman family restaurant. They will undoubtedly be serving the latest seasonal ingredients from the region, because in Rome, seasonal food is not something you promote or talk about, it is something you just do. Catch an all new episode of Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations this Monday at 9pm Texas time, only on The Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
August 13, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) Really enjoyed the Scott pilgrim film. Above is a picture of hanging out with the kids of Austin, waiting to get into a late night screening.
2.) Social Security is keeping 20 Million Americans out of poverty. Not all, but portions of these United States are looking like a third world country.
3.) Reading David Zirin’s new book “Bad Sports”. As usual, my boy Zirin has written something horrifying and compelling all at once.
4.) Thinking a lot about football teams and I am beginning to have a bad feeling about the Colts this year.
5.) Where did the summer go? Went back to the office this week, classes start in another.

Dubai, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Tony Ugoh at Left Guard

2010-08-06T14:44:00.006-05:00

Dubai. The empire in the desert. Dubai is a city of incredible technical and engineering achievement. About 40% of the entire city was built in just the last decade. Commercial hubs, man-made islands, mega-highways, mega-malls, and the world's tallest building, have all been built not on oil riches, but on the dreams of Sheik Mohammed. His vision was to create a commercial epicenter that would be the envy of the world. However, with the economic downturn in 2008 and a default on a $60 billion loan in 2009, many are left wondering what is this capitalistic dream and what is raw reality.

Dubai's extravagant offerings are intended only for the rich and super-rich, but there is always another side of town. Locals only make up about 5% of the total population. The people who built and maintain this city are largely from elsewhere. The workers came to find work, and they brought their food and their culture along with them. This is what Anthony Bourdain seeks out as he and his No Reservation crew visit Dubai this Monday at 9pm, Texas Time. Only on The Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
August 6, 2010
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) The new Arcade Fire album is fantastic and is great to run to. Got the old National album “Alligator” on the same day. Great week for my love affair with music.
2.) Sharron Angle is among the stupidest people in politics. I though Michelle Bachmann was bad, but Angle’s comments on how the media should only ask question that make her look good is brainless.
3.) It is hard for me to think of the word “brainless” without ol’ Former Half-Term Governor Palin coming to mind. After Politfact.com called her a liar for, well, lying about Obama’s potential to allow the Bush tax cuts for the rich to expire, she fired back at the fact checking website on her facebook page with more made up trash. The Former Half-Term Gov claims this will be the greatest increase of taxes in American history. No, even if Obama allows the tax cuts to expire that honor still goes to Reagan. The issue that the Former Half-Term Governor has is that no matter how much she wants 2+2 to equal 5, it will always be 4.
4.) The report out of Colts camp is that Tony Ugoh has been penciled into the LG position and all I want to know is what the HELL took so long? When he was at Arkansas I could have told you he was a better fit at sweeping guard. This is a telegram to the rest of the league: the Colts are committed to sprinkle in more power running plays this year. More evidence to this is the dumping of pass catching TE Tom Santi for the rookie C/RT/TE/HB Brody Eldridge. While I am at it, watch out for new DE Jerry Hughes. I’ve heard the Colts have a three DE zone blitz package I am dying to see.
5.) Thinking about writing an essay on my dog.

Where It All Began, or "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves"

2010-07-30T15:47:00.001-05:00

Monday's "new" episode of No Reservations is really a look back to 2000. This episode is a version of Dmitri Kasterine's documentary, "Out of the Pan, Into The Fire," which was shot just before Bourdain’s book and television show. It s a candid look at a younger, skinnier, less traveled...and even more arrogant Anthony Bourdain working in the kitchens in New York City while his first book was just being released.

Bourdain talks about the epiphany that originally made him want to become a chef. One day while working as a dishwasher in Cape Cod, a large wedding party came into his restaurant. The head chef asked him to cover the grilling station, which was remarkable, because the broiling station "was sort of like where God was." As Bourdain took over the grilling duties the head chef disappeared into the garbage stockade, with the bride in her wedding whites, engaging in rather rough sex, and that is when the boss knew he wanted to be a chef.

Bourdain's attitude has not changed much since "Kitchen Confidential" was published. After ten years of writing and filming a television show, Bourdain claims he continues to expect each new venture to fail. As a writer, he says he has learned nothing. "I write how I talk, and I still don't agonize over sentences." I must admit, neither do I. Prepare for an inside look at the restaurant industry - a business that attracts "gypsies, tramps, and thieves" as the boss puts it. Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations airs this Monday at 9pm, Texas time, only on The Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun

Santa Fe, NM

July 30^th, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).

1.) Packing to go home to Austin (man, it has been a long summer) and just found a piece of my dog's fur in my travel bag. Tomorrow night I'll have Homeslice pizza for dinner, a little HBO, and sleep in my own bed with Dusty protecting the joint from the raccoons in our attic. Chewbacca, Han Solo is coming

2.) And, yes, I've thought Dusty would rescue me from a carbonite prison with a ragtag group of amigos if the occasion arose.

3.) First third of the novel has been sent to the editor. The new full-length play will be sent to my agent and F.O.T.'s by Monday. 46 one-act plays out the 64 project are written. Three essays published, two book reviews, and three interviews as well. I need a time out, but have none to give.

4.) Really enjoy “Burn Notice”. Its James Bond meets Stephanie Plum.

5.) Good-bye, Santa Fe. I don’t know when next we shall meet. As Bourdain does his “Where It All Began” episode, Santa Fe was where it all began for my work 13 years ago.

Bourdain in India, or "The Pretenders, or The Semantics of Unincorporated Meta-Theatrics"

2010-07-23T18:37:00.001-05:00

India is one of the few places in the world that Tony Bourdain really finds himself drawn to. It is of no surprise Bourdain is going back to India to visit Kerala. Life is a little different in Kerala, where India's religious and cultural struggles seem to exist at a lower temperature. Since there is a larger Christian and Muslim population, meat is more widely eaten. Bourdain sits down at a working-man's restaurant where they serve beef, which is surprising in a land where the sacred cow is allowed to freely wander the streets.

However, it is difficult to travel to India and not eat some sort of vegetarian meal. Bourdain and the crew are invited to someone's home for a dinner party where the family cooks up a nuanced, brightly flavored, vegetarian meal, which Bourdain actually enjoys. After stuffing himself he declares, "I could almost be a vegetarian... in India... for about a week."

India is a place where the changes taking place are remarkable. It is a country pointed toward the future, but as western culture invades and changes many traditions, India keeps a strong hold on the past. The culture is much like the food, it isn't always pretty, but it is almost always shockingly tasty. Catch a new episode of Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations, Monday at 9pm Texas time. Only on The Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Santa Fe, NM
July 23rd, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) Earlier today I wrote the line “She’s 31 flavors of crazy” but had to cut it ‘cause it didn’t fit the piece.
2.) So long, Daniel Schorr. “Morning Edition” won't be the same without you. And you made Nixon's "Enemies List". How cool was that?
3.) Happy birthday to F.O.T. Tom Gissendanner.
4.) To The Devil: I've surmised you are a major stockholder in decaffeinated coffee and you've convinced my cardiologist I should drink this swill. Regardless of what several musicians have claimed, you don't rock, and we shall never be bedfellows.
5.) Really diggin’ Radio Free Santa Fe.
CODA
Here is what I read from my new play "The Pretenders, or The Semantics of Unincorporated Meta-Theatrics" at the Santa Fe Art Institute’s open house this week.

(At stage right is a soundboard where a stagehand sits with a microphone and some audio equipment। I imagine this stagehand to be a young lady। Use your discretion। From this moment on the stagehand reads “certain stage directions” out loud to the audience. I’m calling this stagehand “The Big-Big Voice” in my notebook, if that give a sense on how I am seeing things. In fact, I think it would be rather cool if actors react to “The Big-Big Voice”. Now, which stage directions are to be spoken is the question. This character does have lines, but I have over-written the stage directions with the mindset that some will be spoken, and some will be lost along the way. Have fun in deciding which stage directions are read. I would also like to suggest that projecting the script on the wall of the theater, and allow the audience to read along, would be fun. Oh, and giant funhouse mirrors, so the audience can see themselves across the whole play in distortion. One more things, the area that The Big-Big Voice is at is surrounded by various bottles unmarked liquids. I imagine the liquids to be of various colors, and the bottles to be of all kinds of shapes. Besides The Big-Big Voice’s area, we have a blank, lifeless stage, littered with the building materials for a set and a few costume trunks. The Actress, and the Dreamy Stage Man enter the playing space and build a simple frame, a procenium arch, which eventually holds a red curtain in place while thoughtful music plays. The Actress has a few noticeable tattoos. As they do this The Dreamy Stage Man says a tongue twister, a vocal warm-up if you will. Once they are done, they stop to smoke at the side of the stage and look at the audience. The red curtain is closed, but the curtain is blocking very little and the audience can actual see around the whole red curtain altogether. The Narrator enters the playing space and goes to the team that just built the set. I imagine this character to be a woman who has watched to much kabuki. Whoever, I think this character might be interesting if played by a man in drag, or even partial drag. Regardless, some sort of kabuki outfit should be considered.)

NARRATOR

I apologies. They didn’t mean to disrespect you. It so hard to find good help these days. You know, I gave up a job at M.I.T. to do this, to do this little theater thingy. Had a grant to study frogs. Too late now. (To the actors.) I bet you haven’t even told them how theater works. How to think and feel tonight? Fine. (To the audience.) Good evening, and I would like to give you all a humble apology once again. For those of you who are unaware of what you are doing, and what exactly is going on I will tell you that you are watching a theatrical production and you probably have no clue as to what is happening because, after all, you are civilized people in the modern world, a modern world that has telephones, and microwave ovens, and sexual toys. You are more than likely accustomed to having your art spoon-feed to you. When you look at, hm, look at a Warhol painting you more than likely say “Ah, yes, that is soup”, and when you listen to The Beatles “Sergeant Pepper” album you more than likely say to yourself “Ah, yes, this is an existential representation of the human condition”, and when you go to a Broadway musical you probably say to yourself “Ah, yes, this was a Disney cartoon when I was wee”. However, you are not at a Broadway music, or listening to an album, or looking at Warhol. You are at what scholars call “the legitimate theater” and you are having a legitimate theater experience. You will require a complete and total understanding of theater workings. There are traditionally five forms of theater, not necessarily in this order.

One, man versus man…
Two, man versus nature…
Three, man versus society…
Four, Man versus self…
And five, man versus oysters.
Each catagory of legitimate theater has multiple sub-catagories. And they are

Boy versus girl…
Cop versus rookie…
Country mouse versus city mouse…
Unruly classroom versus pretty white teacher…
Rivals in business become partners…in bed!
Man versus whale…
Whale versus pretty white teacher…in bed!

And the rather trendy oyster goes to Broadway to become famous, but ends up a bartender at a Janis Joplin musical review and learns how to laugh and love about the little things in life. Now, we do have one issue to address, which is why I am so cross the story was started without me tonight. You see, this story, the one you are sitting and watch right now, meets none of those criteria. But, that is not something you should fear. Please, don’t be afraid. We are here to help you understand what is happening on stage. That is what good actors do. And we are all very, very good actors. We shall give you pieces of this puzzle, even provide a blueprint to this story. We shall all slide in and out of character to help you understand, but in the end, you will need to figure out what is reality, and what is legitimate theater. Reality is a terrible thing to inflict upon people. Isn’t it? Let us start the play.

Bourdain in Liberia, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Boulder, CO

2010-07-19T14:50:00.002-05:00

Liberia was supposed to be a little America, a far away utopia for freed American slaves. The problem was, there were already 500,000 people living there when, initially, 12,000 freed American slaves began to arrive in 1822. They quickly formed an elite, and if not enslaved, then relegated to secondary citizenship the people who lived on the land before them.

Liberia's more recent history contains periods of unbelievable violence, beginning when Charles Taylor marched his forces into Liberia on Christmas Eve 1989. Over the next 15 years an estimated quarter of a million Liberians were killed. That is nearly one out of every 17 citizens. As the civil war raged on, thousands of Liberians fled to neighboring countries, and many to the United States.

Today, there is a lot to be optimistic about in Liberia. There is an enlightened and amazing new president, Ellen Sirleaf Johnson, Africa's first woman president and the world's first black female president. In a country that has been through such difficult times, it is the little signs of hope that you notice on the street. You see it in the markets, in the smiles on school children's faces, and in people's voices at the local watering hole. Tonight’s episode of No Reservations functions less as a romp with Tony Bourdain, and more as a lesson on where this country has been and where it is going. Catch No Reservations tonight at 9pm, Texas Time, only on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Santa Fe, NM
July 19, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) “Inception” was fun, but with an obvious ending. And, it was refreshing to see a movie that wasn't a sequel, or based on a comic book, or a 1980's pop culture phenomenon.
2.) How busy am I? At 7:38am on Saturday morning I wrote a letter of recommendation in the parking lot of a Jiffy Lube whilst they worked on my truck.
3.) Half of the work at the Art Santa Fe Vernissage sparkled like a Twilight vampire in the sunshine.
4.) Hoping Jeanne is having fun in Hawaii.
5.) I’ll be in Boulder next weekend seeing F.O.T.’s a plenty. I love Boulder. It seems like the only place I go on vacation.

Octopus, Glenn Beck, and The Heartland Episode of No Reservations, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Hold Steady

2010-07-09T20:11:00.004-05:00

Between late 2009 and mid 2010, Tony Bourdain was doing a lot traveling for speaking gigs throughout America's heartland. Each trip was basically a one-night stand between filming for shows. Fly in, shove food in his face, next town. Along the way the No Reservations crew was lucky enough to see a few things. The Heartland episode is a culmination of what they saw.

Between late 2009 and mid 2010, Tony was doing a lot traveling for speaking gigs throughout America's heartland. Each trip was basically a one-night stand between filming for shows. Fly in, shove food in face, next town. Along the way the No Reservations crew was lucky enough to see a few things. The Heartland episode is a culmination of what they saw.

What you will find as you set out across America's heartland, is the preeminent authority on Charcuterie in Michigan, taking wild game meats and creating incredibly tasty dishes using pre-refrigeration techniques. You will also find a classic Japanese sushi chef in Ohio (aka. “Applebee’s Country”) preparing refined dishes from rare ingredients like Japanese Horse Mackerel and tuna collar. Make sure to tune into the all-new “Heartland” episode this Monday at 9pm Texas time only on Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Santa Fe, NM
July 9th, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on mind.)
1.) Disappointed a mosh pit formed in front of me at The Hold Steady's first every New Mexico show (not a smash band, kids), but proud to say I held my own. I might be a 35 yr-old bag of broken Timmy, but I can still show the kids how to throw down.
2.) Glenn Beck has a university. Goodbye, humanity.
3.) Really love Louis C.K. new show, almost as much as I like “Archer”. FX is putting together some great shows.
4.) Disappointed how much the media is focused on the LeBron James decision and not on the Oliver Grant verdict.
5.) The octopus that has been guessing World cup Soccer games at an amazing clip, has received death threats from people. Goodbye, humanity.

Santa Fe. It is Always Santa Fe, or The Return of Anthony Bourdain

2010-07-02T10:58:00.001-05:00

The boss is back. Yes, Tony has a new book out called “Medium Raw”, which really isn’t that good, but No Reservations is back as well. This Monday Tony starts on the tiny island of Petit Saint Vincent, a very small, but very beautiful island in the Grenadines. There is no airport, no TV, and no Internet. The only means of communication is a little yellow flag which you raise whenever you are feeling particularly hungry. A typical day begins with fresh lobster and fruit on the beach.

Tony's friend, Norman Van Aken, is happy to leave the frozen tundra of Key West Florida and join the No Reservations crew in Petit Saint Vincent. However, Tony cashes in on the opportunity to take a few jabs at the chef and restauranteur known for accidentally/purposefully coining the term, fusion. "All of the crimes committed in the name of fusion," Tony says, "are directly attributed to this man." Before long it is time to move on from Petit Saint Vincent to some of the other islands nearby. The other Islands are a perfect place for a little hunting, fishing, and getting to know the locals. Make sure to tune into the all-new Caribbean Island Hopping episode of No Reservations this Monday at 10 E/P on Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Santa Fe, NM
July 2, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind)
1.) At the Santa Fe Art Institute for the month. 64 one page plays, a novel, a short-story, and a full length play to do. Coffee, I come to thee. Touch me, and never let go.
2.) After cutting across Lubbock I have a new idea for a reality show. We give each citizen of Lubbock a mule, a gun, and a jug of coffee and tell them a fresh pie is hidden some place in the city. The catch? The pie is guarded by a dentist and if the Lubbockians make it to the pie they have to prove they have a minimum of 28 teeth to have said pie.
3.) Friendly’s new burger has a grilled cheese sandwich for a bun. Stop and think about that.
4.) I miss my friends from Djerassi.
5.) Compounding my sadness from leaving Djerassi I was detained and strip searched by airport security for the third time in two months. Just once I would like dinner and a movie before I get the "wand". TSA, I am not just a piece of meat. I am a boy with feelings.

The Coffee Is On The Table, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Realize The Road To Hell Is Paved In Adjectives

2010-05-26T14:23:00.001-05:00

I’m placing Federal Prisoner 30664 on the backburner this summer. Although I dearly love my blog, and it does make for a good living, I have pressing matters to attend to. I’m writing this from the Djerassi Artist residency Program in Woodside, CA. I’ll be here for the month of June working on a new play, a novel, and a short story about my grandfather who died last month, and a lecture with Bundith Phunsombatlert at the Palo Alto Art Center called "Engaging Perception". Next month I will be returning to the Santa Fe Art Institute to write a different play, a few essays, and get a tattoo. At some point in time I’m hoping to get a drink and some clairovence. Thus, blogging for The Travel Channel, or The Austin Chronicle, or Culturebot.org is not a priority until August, and neither will be blogging for Federal Prisoner 30664. I will post matters, thoughts, and ideas when I can, but with my teaching load and commitments to my dog, my fiancé, and The Indianapolis Colts I don’t have much time for my creative work. For the next two months I will be taking that time, while you are watching such fine shows as “Dhani Jones Tackles the Globe” and “Anthony Bourdain’s: No Reservations” on The Travel Channel, and following Andy Horowitz on Culturebot.org, and Mark Fagan on the Austin Chronicle. This picture is my coffee that reads “The Road To Hell Is Paved in Adjectives”. I’ve Writen enough. I need to drink my coffee and get back to work.

Timothy Braun
Woodside, CA
May 26th, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) So far, California has been good to me. I hope it doesn’t fall into the sea. Oh, yeah, and Neil Young is my neighbor.
2.) Keep reading David Zirin of The Nation. He is by far the most important sports writer today.
3.) Listening to a lot of The XX. Outstanding minimal work.
4.) I’ve deciding to ignore most media while I’m out here. I’m rather liking it.
5.) I have yet to blog on my fantastic trip to New York last week. I had a great meal at DBGB’s with Chris Brown and Lisa Chan-Brown, a fine backyard BBQ with those two and Alex Smith and his wife-to-be, and a nice reading with the best actors I have worked with in years at HERE Arts Center.

Dhani Tackles Jamaica, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Kittredge Fund

2010-05-09T07:13:00.000-05:00

Monday's episode of Dhani Tackles the Globe finds Jones in Jamaica trying his best to learn cricket. Jamaica is largely known as one of the world's most popular warm weather vacation spots, and haven for yummy and marijuana, but cricket is the main sport of the island. Why? The English colonials brought cricket to Jamaica in the early 19th century, when it was a "gentleman's game" meaning whites only. But soon after emancipation in 1838, cricket became open to everyone. With this a uniquely Jamaican version of the game evolved, a much more aggressive, flamboyant, and athletic version and it named "resistance cricket." Sounds like a rock band, doesn’t it? Jones has his usual charm, but this show isn’t much more than rest stop until the next season of Bourdain’s show. Dhani Tackles the Globe is this Monday, 10pm Texas time, only on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
May 9th, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) I’ve become obsessed with The Hold Steady’s “The Weekenders”. This will easily become the theme of this summer.
2.) Finally saw “Kick-Ass”. Try hard to like it, but in the end I didn’t care for it. This is a sign I’m getting old.
3.) Thanks to the John Kittredge Award. They just made my easier this summer.
4.) So long to this year’s Fusebox Festival. It was fun.
5.) As I finish grading my student's papers, and plan for a summer filled with fellowships dedicated to my own work, I've decided to write a kick boxing movie filled with dinosaurs and robots and landscapes of ice cream mountains. What a demanding semester it has been. I long to be innocent again.

Blogging from Indiana University, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Dhani Jones.

2010-04-25T07:52:00.002-05:00

Last week we welcomed back Dhani Jones, Renaissance man and inside linebacker for the Cincinnati Bengals (how many people can boast that claim?) with a trip to Italy. This week I return to my Travel Channel blogging duties as Jones journeys to the west African country of Senegal to learn the physically, mentally, and spiritually challenging traditional sport of Lutte wrestling. Jones spends most of his time with Bombardier, a Senegalese national hero and Lutte champion.

Bombardier not only teaches Jones the physical techniques required to compete, but the spiritual tradition behind the sport. Jones must learn quickly because he is up against opponents who have much more experience having competed in Lutte since they were young. I really like this show and think nit has legs. Dhani Jones Tackles the Globe is this Monday at 10pm Texas time, only on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Bloomington, IN
April 25th, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) Sorry for the short blog. I am blogging long distance without the usual tools at my disposal from my grandfather’s funeral in Indiana.
2.) Writing of Jones and his football team, I like what they did in this weekends NFL Draft.
3.) I also like what Seattle did.
4.) You know who else did well? The Patriots, Lions, and Ravens. More on that next week.
5.) Check out the Fusebox Festival blog and Steve Moore’s very good review of Action Hero here.

Food Porn 2.0, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love the Sound of DBGB

2010-04-16T15:05:00.001-05:00

Bourdain has never been shy when it comes to expressing his true feelings toward, well, pretty much everything, but this is especially true when it comes to food. There are countless similarities between food and sex that can be explored – a XXX Food Porn romp that this show has made before. This week on No Reservations, the boss goes back to his smut.

There are clearly some dishes that just never seem to get old. First up, Bourdain is back in Hanoi, Vietnam for more wet and steamy Pho – the dish he craves above all others – complete with hot noodles, magical broth distilled from bones and marrow and a choice of meats. Then, Bourdain gets his fix by sinking his fork into some blood sausage, headcheese, duck liver pate, and rabbit terrine. At Salumeria Rossi in New York, Cesare Casella’s meats are rock hard and ready as Bourdain goes to town on mortadella with pistachio, smoked speck, porketta, lardo and a variety of prosciuttos.

Next Bourdain ravenously digs in to a few cuts of steak with Michael Lomanaco at Porterhouse. And what better way to wash away the shame afterward than sipping some tongue-tantalizing libations? Bourdain experiences the allure of such cocktails as the Manhattan, the Negroni and the Sidecar, mixed by Dale Degroff – guaranteed to get you where you want to go.

After that, Bourdain visits RUB BBQ in New York City. It’s all about the smoky penetration with this tasty meat, producing that ever-alluring and undeniably scrumptious “little pink ring.” Then, he waxes poetic with Jacques Torres about the effect of chocolate on the male and female minds and libidos. After all, chocolate contains the same chemical produced by the brain while one is falling in love, making it a surefire aphrodisiac that works every time. Afterwards, Bourdain sits down with Frank Bruni and Daniel Boloud at DBGB to wolf down four courses of thick and fatty fresh sausages, the sexiest of all, in Bourdain’s opinion, being a Thai sausage
When it comes to seafood, the best fishy food porn comes from Chef Michael White’s Marea, where White himself is able to lure Bourdain into temptation with the forbidden – seafood with cheese. Other morsels include sea urchin with lardo, marlin with caviar, razor clams with fennel, and octopus with bone marrow. Afterwards, Bourdain and Alexander Petrossian join for what can be described as anything but a cheap date and indulge themselves with caviar and champagne. Not a bad episode and gave me a few ideas on what I want to hit to my upcoming trip to New York. No Reservations: Porn 2.0 airs this Monday night at 9pm, Texas time. Only on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
April 16th, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) As I'm hammering together my NFL Draft predictions the one team I can't figure out is, ironically, the Colts. The player I think/want them to take goes 12 picks ahead in my mock. Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma.
2.) Had my students deconstruct foreign language jargon this week. Motscngurut (Korean) and Rakhamah (Arabic) were my favorites.
3.) Check Zirin’s take on Big Ben.
4.) DBGB? Hm. I like the sound of eating there soon.
5.) Looking forward to hitting Santa Fe for a few weeks this summer to work on my new play. 22 scenes in 22 days. Gotta luv it.

Bourdain in Maine, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Look Forward To Kick-Ass

2010-04-09T13:24:00.001-05:00

Bourdain has never been to Maine? No Reservations cameraman Zach Zamboni grew up there and is eager to show Bourdain where he comes from. First stop is Portland, which according to Bourdain has been called "America's foodiest little city". Supposedly there are more restaurants per capita than San Francisco! To test this theory, Zach and Bourdain head to J's Oyster; a loud, local joint with beer, shellfish, and steamer clams. Interestingly, the place is managed by women and has only women waitresses. Next, Zach takes Bourdain to Street & Co. where the menu is exclusively seafood. Bourdain chats with owner Dana Street and Portland fishmonger George Parr while dining on Maine shrimp, Monkfish, and Cuttlefish.

Primo, a restaurant 77 miles northeast of Portland in the town of Rockland, is run by arguably one of the best chefs in Maine. Melissa Kelly. She grew up on Long Island, graduated in the top of her class at the Culinary Institute of America. Her restaurant is sustainable, seasonal, and locally-sourced. Most of the vegetables, eggs, and meat they cook with come from the restaurant's own source. Bourdain asks the question that was on my mind..."Are you hippies?" They might be, but they still slaugher pigs! Bourdain eats some of Kelly's homemade specialties including a charcuterie course from her own pigs, pasta, veal and pork chops.

Conte's 1894 Restaurant (also in Rockland) is home to a legend: John Conte. John is the owner of the restaurant and is well known for his grumpy attitude in the kitchen. The guy never sits down! It was almost painful watching him take a minute to sit and chat with Bourdain. Zach and Bourdain sample everything John can dish up including Maine shrimp, lobster, haddock and mussels.

Finally, it wouldn't be a trip to Maine without venturing inland. Zach introduces Bourdain to his family's home of Milo, where the population is around 3,000. It's a place where everyone knows everyone else. The trip is full of activities including shooting with Uncle Bobby, chopping wood at Zach's getaway cabin, and eating barbecue out of two railroad cars.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
April 9, 2010
Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) Obama signs an atomic treaty with Russia that really doesn’t do much. Nice. I think.
2.) I wouldn’t draft Jimmy Clausen if my life was at stake.
3.) With Justice Stevens retiring I like Obama replacing him with Jennifer Granholm.
4.) Is it already baseball season? Have the cubs played a game? Have the cubs won a game?
5.) I think “Kick-Ass” looks, well, kick-ass.

How To Cook A Lobster (aka "The Pope of Fish"), or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Start Loving Fusebox

2010-04-02T18:08:00.003-05:00

This Monday The Travel Channel’s Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations will feature a "Techniques" episode. "This show is a special in the true sense of the word. Meaning...this is an hour of instruction. It's about how to cook", says Bourdain. What makes this event great is that the boss got permission from some of the featured chefs to post their recipes on TravelChannel.com, so you can try some of them on your own. All of these recipes are posted here.

Featured Techniques and Chefs
1. How to use a knife - Demonstrated by the one and only Anthony Bourdain. "It ain't that hard".
2. How to cook a lobster - Dave Pasternack (aka "The Pope of Fish") explains how to pick out and cook the perfect lobster.
3. How to cook an omelet - This is one of my own personal challenges! Jacques Pepin shows viewers how to create an omelet from cracking the egg to plating it. Looks easy enough!
4. How to grill a steak - Tony believes "most people are murdering meat before our very eyes", so Carlos Llaguno (Executive Chef at Les Halles) demonstrates the proper way to prepare and cook a steak. Remember...don't rush it!
5. How to roast a chicken - Thomas Keller of Per Se shows how to roast an entire chicken. The technique is so simple anyone can do it! An important tip is to bring the chicken to room temperate before cooking to ensure even cooking.
6. How to make a hamburger - This segment is great, because Tony points out the irony in having a French guy (Chef Laurent Tourondel) school us on how to create an American classic...the hamburger! The key is to cook it on a flattop instead of a grill.
7. How to make red sauce - This recipe is my favorite, and can also be found on TravelChannel.com! Chef Scott Conant cooks pasta from memories of watching his grandmother make dishes like cavatelli and orecchiette.
8. How to make french fries - Carlos Llaguno whips up a batch of the famous Les Halles french fries from scratch.
9. How to make a classic Boeuf Bourguignon - Tony talks about what kind of meat to use, how to season the dish, and which wine to use. Luckily, cheap wine is okay!

Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations airs this Monday, April 5th at 9pm Texas Time, only on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
April 2, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) As I put together my mock draft for the Austin Chronicle, I like C.J. Spiller to the Bills at #9
2.) Love the irony that Sarah Palin’s Fox News show premiered on April 1st.
3.) Great essay by Niall Stanage on the future of the GOP. You can catch it here.
4.) I know I'm about 10 years behind the times, but man is I getting into the Alkaline Trio. Good pop-punk.
5.) Yesterday was the start of the Fusebox blog. Fun stuff you can catch here.

Bourdain in Vietnam (Again), or How I Learned To Stop Worrying A Re-Discover Neutral Milk Hotel

2010-03-28T10:21:00.002-05:00

Vietnam, I can’t believe he’s back in Vietnam. This Monday, Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservation returns to Vietnam. "A place of peaks and valleys and mist and spirits". This trip Bourdain explores the Central Highlands and the city of Hanoi. The boss starts with a dish of duck at a restaurant that has one light bulb and is open to the street. The menu includes a crispy rice cake topped with a spicy cole-slaw type salad and rice porridge made with duck liver and blood.

Then, Bourdain hits a popular spot for motorbike taxi drivers in the Central Highlands is a restaurant called Thu Khoi. Bourdain and Linh arrive at 8:30 in the morning for the house specialties, which include wild boar and Java-Mouse deer. Although the show has gone to Vietnam before, this episode has a distinctly different flair to it.

The episode ends with lots of heavy drinking, the way I like it. Bourdain and friends visit a themed restaurant near the banks of the Red River. Restaurant patrons often visit to drink rice wine and watch the cock fighting out back. As Bourdain points out, the rice wine is really more of a liquor, especially since it's alcohol content is 48%. I like the sound of that. Be sure to tune-in Monday, March 29th, at 9pm Texas Time only on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
March 28th, 2010
Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other maters on my mind).
1.) Happy birthday to F.O.T. Ben Masur
2.) Happy birthday to F.O.T. Jason Wichlinski
3.) Falling in love with Idaho guard Mike Iupati, and I expect the Colts to draft him (if they get a chance) this April.
4.) Bill Maher’s “New Rules” was rather special this week.
5.) Re-discovering Neutral Milk Hotel. Fantastic band. “In The Airplane Over The Sea” (pictured) is a very complete album.

Bourdain In Provence, or How I Learned To Worrying And Love The Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

2010-03-21T11:32:00.001-05:00

Provence - "It's the place that dreams and magazine spreads are made of. Where everything is beautiful, and soft, and smells good. Like a movie, only better", says Anthony Bourdain. If you don't know much about Provence, you should know that it was a poor place for almost all of its history; has a hot, dry Mediterranean climate, and was always unusable for large-scale agriculture. This background has made Provence a place where every day seems easier and calmer than the lifestyle we're accustomed to.

Bourdain takes a lesson in aioli: a sauce made of garlic and olive oil. As simple as it sounds, this sauce takes time and care for the perfect consistency and taste. The woman preparing it refused to do so outside because the wind might have affected the outcome. She uses a mortar and pestle, while Bourdain snaps green beans next to her. This sauce is traditionally served on vegetables and fish, which is exactly what Tony and his friends have for lunch.

Next, it's an early rise for drinks at Bar du Marche. The local men have made this an early Sunday morning tradition with wine, cheese, and sausages. Bourdain chats with his drink-mates about their opinions on Provence food versus other areas of France. The wives eventually start rolling by in their cars giving the men the "slow-rolled fish eye" look, so the party is over. But, not before they sing the 'Theme of Provence' together.

After a week of time in Provence, Tony is ready to cook for his friends. While shopping for his meal, he meets Anne at her dessert shop Au Petit Duc to try Calisson: a classic almond dessert. Anne puts Bourdain to work to see just how good his dessert skills are. Then, the cooking begins. The theme for Bourdain's dinner seems to be, "What was I thinking?" as he stumbles around the kitchen, trying to figure out how to use the appliances. His menu consists of a variety of dishes including an heirloom tomato salad, roast leg of lamb, and what he thought was a Ratatouille. Tune-in to Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations this Monday, March 22nd, at 9pm Texas Time, on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
March 21, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (A quintet of other matters on my mind, SXSW edition).
1.) The new Black Rebel Motorcycle Club cd is very good.
2.) I’m really getting into Ted Leo and the Pharmacists.
3.) Can’t tell if I’m into Big Echo or not, but I’m going to give them more of a chance before I cut them loose.
4.) The best movie I saw at SXSW was Life 2.0, a brilliant documentary on Second Life.
5.) I wrote this blog hip deep in a nasty cold. If it weren’t for Wendy from Room 214, there really wouldn’t be a blog.

Bourdain In China, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Neil deGrasse Tyson

2010-03-13T13:28:00.003-06:00

On this week’s Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations, the boss heads to Harbin in China’s northeastern “Dongbei” area in the cold of winter – he starts with Alan Wang to discuss the region (an area I knew little about), before heading into the ice-cold streets to eat with local workers. Pork belly, pork meatballs, and more pork matters are on the menu. Next, Bourdain and Wang head to USA Bucks Bar to meet Jia. He keeps Bourdain entertained by singing and dancing to songs from the 1970's (wardrobe change included).

To wrap up his visit to Harbin, the boss eats a big banquet meal at Lao Liu Sha Zhu Cai. All of the sidekicks from the trip gather at this local restaurant to try out what is known as “Sha Zhu Cai”- which literally means, “kill pig cuisine”. Do we see a trend? It is a reference to the Lunar New Year tradition of slaughtering a pig for the big holiday feast, and Sha Zhu Cai is the collective name for all the dishes that can be part of that feast, pig and otherwise. Catch Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations Monday, March 15th, at 9pm Texas Time, only on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
March 13, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) With the repugnant behavior from several members of the Texas Board of Education wanting to rewrite history curriculum to focus more on the Christian ideas of the founding fathers, I am curious if they will include these quotes?
"Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble purpose." - James Madison
"The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin, will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter." - Thomas Jefferson
2.) Writing of history, I always find Glenn Beck’s activities to be robust trash as well. Here is s detail of his latest offense that includes a massive lie (yes, lie) about FDR and praise for Joe McCarthy.
3.) I will be conducting interviews with Action Hero, Daniel Barrow, and Cloud Eye Control; at the Austin Museum of Modern Art this April for the Fusebox festival. Details to come.
4.) I love following Neil deGrasse Tyson on twitter.
5.) SXSW is in full swing. I helped an English rock band find crackers at the local grocery store the other day.

Anthony Bourdain and The Power of Obsession, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Start Loving David Zirin

2010-03-06T15:25:00.004-06:00

This week’s episode of Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations is a as unique as it gets. Bourdain subdivides the episode into categories of obsessive food behavior.

• Obsession #1: La Frieda's Black Label Burger
Josh Ozersky and Bourdain head to the Minetta Tavern in New York City to talk about Ozershy's obsession with meat, specifically a ground beef burger so good "it floods your head with meaty goodness". This meaty goodness costs $26 a burger, which isn’t bad considering the most expensive burger in New York cost $170.

• Obsession #2: Blackmore Wagyu Beef
Wagyu beef, sometimes improperly referred to as Kobe beef (Kobe is a place, not a type of cow), is a fatty, marbled meat that sells for well over $1,000 per sirloin strip in New York. That's $1,000 whole sale. David Blackmore shares his knowledge of Wagyu beef and takes Bourdain on a tour of his farm located in the Yarra Valley, 2 hours north of Melbourne.

• Obsession #3: Bread at Sullivan Street Bakery
Admittedly, I understand this obsession as this is my old bakery. Founder Jim Lahey is "pretty much THE bread guy" according to Bourdain. His obsession is with yeast and fungus. Instead of kneading his dough, he allows it to sit for 24 hours to rise. His obsession also happens to translate well into pizzas. For my money, the Sullivan Street Baker has the great potato pizza on the planet.

• Obsession #4: Mescal - The Ur-tequila
Ron Cooper is an artist who turns to Mexico for inspiration for his art project that involved creating 50 blue bottles and filling them with prime mescal - the Ur-tequila. Del Maguey's mescals are produced slowly, naturally and in small quantities. I refuse to make a personal comment on mescal, or why it is among the few great things on this earth.

• Obsession #5: Food Blogging
First up Bourdain meets with Jason Perlow (OffTheBroiler.com) to check out White Manna burgers and talk about blogger arguments over culinary minutia. Next up is a trip to Txikito with Steve Plotnicki, founder of the food blog – Opinionated About Dining -. Finally, Steven Shaw, publisher of Fat-Guy.com and co-founder of eGullet, takes Bourdain to the Cambodian restaurant, Kampuchea.

• Obsession #6: Artisanal Cheese
Chef Terrance Brennan, the "godfather of cheese", talks about his obsession with the good stuff. From the cow to the aging process, Terrance knows his cheese.

• Obsession #7: Fish
At ESCA freshness reigns -- whether it's a just-caught halibut from the Pacific flown in a few hours before dinner or a local striped bass caught by the owner, Dave Pasternack, at home on the Long Island Sound.

• Obsession #8: Bourdain's Obsession
Hm. What do you think it is?

Catch Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations at Monday at 9pm Texas Time, only on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
March 6, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) You can catch my interview with the most fantastic David Zirin here.
2.) I think Stephen Colbert should win a Peabody Award for his take on James O’Keefe and his love from Fox News. You can catch that here.
3.) Gearing up for the Austin Kite Festival this weekend.
4.) Fareed Zakaria’s latest Newsweek article is the important of piece of writing no one will pay attention to. You can catch that here.
5.) Really looking forward to the new Stephin Merritt documentary at SXSW.

CODA
Now that the NFL Combine is over, keep your eyes on these small school players to make a splash.
• Citadel WR Andre Roberts
• Hillsdale OT Jared Veldheer
• Stillman DE/OB Junior Galette
• James Madison DE/OB Arthur Moats
• William & Mary DE/OB Adrian Tracy
• Indiana Pa CB Akwasi Owusu-Ansah

Bourdain in Ecuador, or How I Learned To Stop Worry and Start Loving The Soup

2010-02-27T09:12:00.003-06:00

Ecuador: literally translated as "Republic of the Equator". This country is 1,200 miles of beautiful coastline and is well-known for soups. How many countries can you say that about? How many countries can say, “Welcome. Have some soup”?
In this weeks Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations, Bourdain starts his travels visiting with Santiago Rosero and his band Ro*Cola Bacalao at El Pobre Diablo in Quito, then, of course, they have street food. What is an episode of No Reservations without street food? The menu includes roast pork, chitlins, guatito, and cheese empanadas. Then, Bourdain heads to Esquina de la Ronda for some calf fetus soup and bull penis stew. An outstanding start to the episode.

Most importantly, Bourdain visits Picanteria el Hueco to try a typical dish that dates back to pre-Columbian times: guinea pig. These creatures are very rich, with a lot of fat, and could be the solution to world hunger according to the boss. Next, he visits La Ruta del Sol ("The Route of the Sun") a strip of beach with sleepy, seaside towns; home to surfers and fishing families. The best soups are offered here, made with peanut sauce, stock from octopus, blended beer, and bread. After this episode “Welcome. Have some soup”, sounds delightful, and I wonder if the people of Ecuador really say that? You know I jus made it up, right? Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations Monday at 9pm, Texas time. Only on The Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
February 27, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) Although what he said was brainless, in fairness to Sen. Jim Bunning (R-KY) I hate missing basketball games too.
2.) In a tragic case of don’t-judge-a-book-by-its-cover, I’ve learned the imperturbably named rock band “Cobra Starship” plays the crappiest music. I haven’t been this disappointed in a bands title since “Gay Witch Abortion”.
3.) Sexist, yes, but this is the greatest commercial in the history of commercials.
4.) Paying close attention to all the off-season noise in the NFL. With the number one pick in the draft, we must look at the Rams in the mover and shaker department. But, take a look at Cleveland. They have money to spend, and a desire to win now.
5.) The Onion is still the best thing on the planet.

A Floating Hot Dog Stand, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Bill Murray

2010-02-06T08:04:00.002-06:00

This week on Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations the boss explores my old neighborhood, the Hudson Valley. The episode begins with a floating hot dog stand. Do I really need to write anymore? On his trip Bourdain heads to Pine Island in the black dirt region of the Hudson Valley. The boss joins the Matuszewski family in their sausage shop, which has been family-owned since it was started in 1947. The chef is a little, well, kooky, and the parking lot has some interesting characters (like refugees from my plays) but the food looks luscious.

Hide Park is the next stop. Bourdain hits the road with our old buddy and celebrated author on all things food related Michael Ruhlman (follow Ruhlman on twitter for solid cooking notes) for a visit to the Culinary Institute of America (CIA); Bourdain's Alma mater (yes, Bourdain went to Vassar too, but he’s better known for his time at the CIA). Back in school, the two are assigned a stir-fried squid with basil dish, to be made for loads of hungry students. "Not to brag, but I could handle this assignment while getting a colonoscopy and still make it in time".

Last week was Groundhog's Day, what could be more appropriate than a meal with Bill Murray? I’ve met Murray on two separate occasions and both were memorable with his piercing insight. At the end of this episode, Bourdain and Murray break bread at X20; Peter Kelly’s restaurant (I’ve never been, but I’ve always wanted to go) built on a pier on The Hudson River. Catch some of this special guest footage here provided by The Travel Channel. Be sure to tune-in Monday, at 9 Texas Time for this all-new episode.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
February 6th, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) Super Bowl time. My two favorite teams are playing each other. I am oddly at peace with this.
2.) Bill Maher on health care reform: he wonders why Democrats and the Obama administration were so bad at selling an idea that most Americans agree with, "This is something that would save lives, save money. They couldn't sell cub scouts to a pedophile."
3.) The new program “Archer”, for my money, is one fun show.
4.) Reading Sam Shepard’s new collection “Day Out of Days”. It’s not bad, but he does repeat himself. Sam is a wounded cowboy, with a drinking problem and daddy issues. Aren’t we all?
5.) Finally, I got phone a call from long time F.O.T. Chris Brown. He and his even longer time gal, Lisa, will be getting married at City Hall this Thursday. I am sad I won’t be able to make the wedding. However, I will be returning to New York City in May and promise to take the two to Coney Island for fried clams, mermaids, and matrimonial libations.

In Prague Pork Is King, or How I Learned To Love The Nubbie Frog

2010-01-29T15:23:00.004-06:00

"In Prague...pork is king", claims Anthony Bourdain in his latest episode of No Reservations. This is nothing new. Pork has ruled the stomachs of Prague almost as much as beer. Citizens of Prague drink more beer per person than any other country in the world. Which is probably why the city ha s such a beautiful death clock. I should probably get to the episode.

This episode begins with a brief history of the Czech Republic, including an overview of how Communism stunted the local cuisine. "Czech cuisine may not be known for its endless variety and diversity, but that doesn't mean you can't eat really, really well here." Bourdain’s first meal includes, "spreadable stinky cheese", pigtail, and marinated beef in beer. All, of course, accompanied with a beer. "If anything goes with good beer, as anyone who's ever been to an institution of higher learning knows, its more beer", says Bourdain. As college professor, I must second that.

Naturally, Bourdain visits a brewery 2 hours outside of Prague to meet with travel writer, and beer nerd, Evan Rail of the New York Times. Then, Bourdain meets up with 21-year old art student, David Cerny. Other matters of note include street food. Sausages and fried cheese sandwiches with mayo are on the menu. "The drunker you are, the more you are gonna love this", and then a stop in the Vietnamese area of town. Apparently, there is a large population of Vietnamese in the area. Be sure to tune-in Monday, February 1st, 9pm Texas time only on The Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
January 29th, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) Goodbye to Howard Zinn. I use his writings in my cultural studies classes.
2.) Goodbye to J.D. Salinger. I use his work in my English classes.
3.) With Zinn and Salinger gone, I think of Thomas Pynchon. I know he will be gone soon, but who will identify his body?
4.) Ella Lynn Sturdevant is now finally here. I sent her a nubbie" frog (pictured). Other matters of note; Ella Lynn is 7lbs and measured 20 inches. I don't know anything about children, but I guess that is a quality lass. They return home tonight and all I can think of are lines from Raising Arizona like "...And this here's the ...TV. Two hours a day, either educational or football, so you don't ruin your appreciation of the finer things."
5.) Once again, I would like to thank Wendy with Room 214 for the Bourdain materials. I would send her a “nubbie” frog too, but self-control has gotten the best of me.

"Landscape of Rock and Ocean", or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Possibility of a Colts and Saints Super Bowl.

2010-01-23T11:06:00.001-06:00

Anthony Bourdain describes Brittany, France as a picturesque "landscape of rock and ocean". This northwestern corner of the country has a history of blood, toil, invasion and struggle, but more importantly has lured Bourdain with a tower of shellfish. It’s always about the shellfish, isn’t?

Bourdain starts with a farmer's market visit with chef Olivier Roellinger. "To describe him as a chef is insufficient", Bourdain notes. His past includes a tragic story of being beaten, left for dead, and in a coma for weeks, before then having to teach himself how to walk again. Now, over 30 years later, he has made a name for himself as a chef (including being awarded 3 Michelin stars in 2006). Roellinger is currently running his most recent venture, Chateau "Richeux". This restaurant and hotel has a Celtic kitchen, exotic herb garden, apple orchards, potato farms, a tee pee, and pigs. Beautiful, clean, nice-smelling pigs, the way a good pig should be. Then, Bourdain hits Roellinger's desserts shop Grain de Vanille in the quiet village of Cancale. This is the best the show has to offer. Bourdain is at his most interesting when dealing with the intimate.

The intimate is emphasized with eating of Belon oysters. Bourdain heads to the source (the Belon River) to visit Anne Belon, a fifth-generation oyster farmer. Her family was the first to farm oysters in the area. Belon oysters are among the most famous in the world due to the rich nutrients that come from the famed river. Even the dogs eat oysters here. An intimate Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations airs this Monday, January 18th, at 9pm Texas time, only on The Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
January 23rd, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) The pot I used to make pasta last night was the same pot I used to make coffee this morning. Thus, I’m drinking an unholy blend of half-caffeinated angel hair.
2.) I’m hesitant to write that in the AFC Championship game I like the Colts, my favorite team in the league.
3.) I’m hesitant to write that in the NFC Championship game I like the Saints, my second favorite team in the league.
4.) If I’m right on point one and two of this section, then I plan to paint half my face blue and the other half gold for the Super Bowl. I’m not joking.
The worst news I have heard in years came this week. In a 5-4 decision, the supreme court overturned two decisions and threw out parts of a 63-year-old law that said companies and unions can be prohibited from using their own money to produce and run campaign ads that urge the election or defeat of particular candidates by name. In other words, elections can official be bought by big business now and we shall enter an era of haves and have-nothings. To steal a term from Bourdain, with this ruling we will have a political "Landscape of Rock and Ocean".

Bourdain in Istanbul, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Muppet’s Carmen "Habanera"

2010-01-16T07:41:00.002-06:00

This week on Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations the boss takes a trip in Istanbul heading to the Kale Cafe for a traditional Turkish breakfast: eggs, Turkish lamb sausage, cheeses, breads, olives, tomatoes and cucumbers. Interesting fact in learned from this episode: the Turkish word for breakfast (kahvaltı) means "before coffee", so a black tea is served with the meal and coffee is drank afterward.

A food-oriented episode (those are usually the best) Bourdain has one of my personal low rent favorite dishes next, Lahmajun. For the uninitiated, this is basically a very-thin crusted pizza made with meats and spices…yet nothing like your local Pizza Hut special of the week. Bourdain explains, "I've been dialing back on the adjectives on this show. There's only so many when describing food." Thus, so will I.

Of course, what interest me in visiting Turkey some day, and this episode makes you want to visit Turkey, would be all the lovely meats on a stick, or as Bourdain says, "A throbbing missile of love". I’m not joking. He actually says this in the episode. From there we have lamb heads and black market mussels and a shockingly memorable taxi ride. Bourdain says it best with "being around Istanbul is like being in someone else's reality show". Take a moment and enjoy some reality, folks. Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations airs Monday, January 18th, at 9pm Texas time on The Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
January 16, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) Lane Kiffin must have told the University of Tennessee he was just “goin’ out for smokes” when USC called. How wretched.
2.) If you missed it, you can catch Roger Ebert’s razor sharp letter to rush Limbaugh here. This is what a poised Pulitzer Prize winner can do when he is enraged.
3.) If you missed it, you can catch my review of Chuck Klosterman’s new book on Culturebot.
4.) If you missed it, you can catch the Muppets performing Carmen "Habanera".
5.) I will not call the Colts or Saints game this Saturday, as both are my favorite teams and I am very nervous. However, I will stick my neck out and say The Jets offer major match-up issues The Chargers. Jets shock the shock in S.D.

Bourdain in Panama, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Panama’s Chinatown

2010-01-07T07:57:00.002-06:00

At this time of year I always wonder what I will do without football, and every time I question that the boss comes calling. Ladies and gentle-some-things, boys and gals, Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations returns to The Travel Channel. Bourdain kick-starts a fresh season with the weird, wild, and downright outrageous land of Panama. The opening scene shows the boss in the midst of 6 tons of cocaine. As Bourdain so accurately describes Panama, "It doesn't suck having an indispensable choke-point on global commerce in your backyard". With two of the world's largest oceans surrounding the country.

Now, this is what impressed me the most about the episode, Bourdain hits Chinatown; that's right...Panama has a Chinatown. In fact, it's older than my beloved New York City Chinatown (my home away from Austin), and there's no lack of MSG. "I'd put it on my breakfast cereal, if I ate breakfast cereal" says Bourdain of Monosodium glutamate while sitting down to a meal of roasted duck, wonton soup, and pork. Then, in a Travel Channel exclusive, Bourdain tours Manuel Noriega's home, which has been off limits to the public since the mans imprisonment.

To round out the episode, Bourdain takes a trip to East La Grande for some shellfish, visits the most dodgy neighborhood in Panama, goes deep into a jungle so dense and perilous that guide books say you're a "goner" if you get lost, and finally burns that 6 tons of cocaine with local law enforcement. This episode was much better than any Cleveland Browns game I saw all fall. You can catch a new episode of Anthony Bourdain’s: No Reservations this Monday, January 11th at 9pm Texas Time. Only on The Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
January 6, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) I really have to thank my people with The Travel Channel and Room 214. Wendy and Ingrid give so much latitude on what I can write.
2.) Four football games this weekend. I like Green Bay, New England, Dallas, and, what the Hell I will actually go with The Jets against my better judgment.
3.) Recently looked at Schenck v. United States (you can’t yell “fire” in public because of this) and wonder why we can’t arrest Glenn Beck for his nightly fear-cast?
4.) I’m now following Natasha Leggero on twitter. Very funny stuff.
5.) I’m really falling in love with Amy Cook. Check out her song “Hotel Lights”.

2009: The Year That Was

2009-12-29T14:57:00.007-06:00

For my annual year in review I’ve decided to analyze an odd and fairly postmodern 2009 by using the symbolist and surreal work of British poet and painter Adrian Henri. In particular, his classic, and personal favorite of yours truly, Tonight at Noon seemed less inspirational and more telling of 2009 filled with peculiar happenings and freakish event. Let’s begin with the poem, then to the awards.

Tonight at Noon
by Adrian Henri

Tonight at noon
Supermarkets will advertise 3p extra on everything
Tonight at noon
Children from happy families will be sent to live in a home
Elephants will tell each other human jokes
America will declare peace on Russia
World War I generals will sell poppies on the street on November 11th
The first daffodils of autumn will appear
When the leaves fall upwards to the trees

Tonight at noon
Pigeons will hunt cats through city backyards
Hitler will tell us to fight on the beaches and on the landing fields
A tunnel full of water will be built under Liverpool
Pigs will be sighted flying in formation over Woolton
And Nelson will not only get his eye back but his arm as well
White Americans will demonstrate for equal rights
In front of the Black house
And the monster has just created Dr. Frankenstein

Girls in bikinis are moonbathing
Folksongs are being sung by real folk
Art galleries are closed to people over 21
Poets get their poems in the Top 20
There's jobs for everybody and nobody wants them
In back alleys everywhere teenage lovers are kissing in broad daylight
In forgotten graveyards everywhere the dead will quietly bury the living
and
You will tell me you love me
Tonight at noon

…and now onto the year that was for 2009.

The Annual Mike Vanderjagt Liquored-Up Idiot Kicker Award
For 2009 this notorious award goes to Glenn Beck. His nightly fear-cast on Fox News has quickly taken Brecht to the extreme, playing the Mother Courage role in an uncertain world. Beck’s books sell well and he is constantly telling people to buy gold because in hard times gold is safe…and because Beck is a spokesman for Goldline. According to Beck, the world is falling apart, Obama is a socialist-marxist-nazi-unAmerican-werewolf here to eat our apple pie and be mean to our grandmothers, and the more we fear, the more nouns we are anxious of, the more America radicalizes, this twat-hammer makes a profit on another bastardized adaptation of Thomas Paine. His shtick is essentially one clumsy masturbatory fantasy, and while that kind of thing has its place, Beck is well beyond shameful. A noted recovering alcoholic, every time he opens his pie hole I question the “recovering” title. The Onion said it best about this repugnant scum in this brilliant video. In 2009 Glenn Beck spoke, and leaves fell upwards to the trees.

Human of the Year
Wendell Potter is a former Vice President of corporate communications at CIGNA, one of the worlds largest health insurance companies. In June, he testified against the HMO industry in the U.S. Senate as a whistleblower with a dignity and grace rarely seen. On September 15, Potter appeared on “The Hill” again and said in his opening statement that if Congress "fails to create a public insurance option to compete with private insurers, the bill it sends to the president might as well be called the Insurance Industry Profit Protection and Enhancement Act”. What Potter did in 2009, amongst threats, was shine a light on what the health insurance industry really is: an industry. Health insurance companies don’t care about you, they care about money, and in an inhumane industry he showed to be the best of humans. What Wendall Potter did in 2009 was something uncompromising. He actually cared about people getting health insurance, and with that the monster created Dr. Frankenstein.

The Uncle Timmy Award for Thinking Good and Thinking Gooder!
Obama on Iran. Reminding me why I voted for him, Obama showed that he is an astute historian and stayed on the sidelines during the Iranian riots last summer. Iranian/American relations have been violently complicated since 1954, and knowing when to fight, when and how to support, and when to shut-up shows that Obama is one of the gooder thinkers we’ve had in the White House since Kennedy handled the Khrushchev letters during the Cuban Missile Crisis. This was actually a standard medical procedure; when a doctor isn’t certain what to do with a ailing patient they do nothing, as to not make the matter worse, and when I write of “do nothing” I am not referring to a puppet flying over New Orleans as people drown. Any idiot can rush into a fight, but a smart man thinks before he acts. This must have been the “change” Obama spoke of in 2008. When Obama does nothing he wins Nobel Prizes, and the first daffodils of autumn bloom. I will be interested in seeing how he handles the latest rounds of tension with Iran.

Welcome Back Journalism
What Jeff Sharlet did in 2009 is personal to me. I met Jeff at the MacDowell Colony years ago. The NYU professor and I had great talks about Hunter S. Thompson, religion, and journalism. This year Jeff’s reporting on C-Street with his book “The Family” landed him on Fresh Air, Real Time With Bill Mahr, the Rachel Madow Show, and The New York Times Best Seller List with his horrifying and revealing look at how a gang called The Family views Christianity in terms of power, and not love. With this complete back flip of what has been the norm of the good book, what’s more to say than, ”…Hitler will tell us to fight on the beaches and on the landing fields.”

The Worst Theatre I’ve Ever Seen
Being a playwright and former manager for New York City arts center I’ve seen buckets of memorable and mesmerizing theater. I’ve also seen my share of junk. This year we saw the worst melodrama has to offer with the infamous tea parties. With historically stupefying signage that read, “Who are the commie czars?” (Wasn’t there a revolution fought over that?) I wanted to ask a tea party idiot exactly what were they marching for, and other questions such as “Who wrote the Constitution? No, it wasn’t Thomas Jefferson. He wrote the Declaration of Independence. Another guy wrote the Constitution. That person was our fourth president. Can you name him, tea party people?” Then, I wanted to ask what religion Mr. Fourth President was, as it seemed the only things the tea party people seemed to want was to go back to the times of our founding fathers and their love of Jesus. Of course the fourth president of the United States of America, James Madison, is believed to be an atheist, but these clowns don’t want commie-czars either so it is best to just smile, act polite, and wait for the tea party people to run out of steam. The only thing that kept me from drinking myself into the dirt when I saw these twits march was the understanding that America is not a democracy. America is a republic. We choose the people who make the choices because Thomas Jefferson and James Madison where smart enough to know there might be a day when tea party people roamed the earth. When the tea party twits marched in 2009, all I could say was “…white Americans will demonstrate for equal rights.”

Representative Of The Year 1.0: Barney Frank
I’m glad we live in a republic, and I’m glad Barney Frank is pulling the trigger on legislation. The gay and Jewish congressmen from the Northeast gloriously striped down a baboon whom held a sign of Obama defaced as Hitler by noting he wouldn’t argue with her, as it would be the same as speaking to a piece furniture. In December, as he pushed a new finance bill, Frank invoked the term “Death Panels” (the sad Sarah Palin facebook lie about the health insurance bill) stating that the new finance bill does have death panels and banks will be killed if they don’t behave responsibly. I said it before, and I’ll say it again, the only reason Barney isn’t Mr. Speaker of The House is because he is gay, and that is as zany as pigeons hunting cats.

Representative Of The Year 2.0: Jack Kimble
One of the things that make Barney Frank so fantastic for me is Representative Jack Kimble (R-CA), and when I write “things” I do mean it. Kimble is the fictionalized conservative often haunting twitter and the blog-o-sphere. Invented and maintained by the brain trust of That’s Right Nate, Kimble is a cliché of conservative talking points barking of religion, guns, taxes, and a deep hatred for Obama. What makes Kimble important in 2009 is that his words are so boorishly obvious for a conservative representative I thought he was real when I first encountered him on twitter during an Obama speech on health care. Kimble, like Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman, is similar to the onion in Peer Gynt. As we pull away the carefully designed layers, we see that there is nothing at the core. Kimble is a great deal of fun to pay attention to, but like Palin and Bachman there really is nothing there, no real person. I am not making a funny when I write Jack Kimble showed in 2009 he is the future of republican representation, the future being tonight at noon where “…elephants will tell human jokes.”

…and now for all the rest the year had to offer.

So, There Was A Lot Of Death This Year
I would have plenty of things to say about Michael Jackson or even the public option but you can find those words on any blog. There’s really only one person I want to write about here. In 2009, we lost Pina Bausch. Over the years I’ve become bored by most theater, and I have come to blame Bausch. In the fall of 2004 I surrendered an afternoon of watching football to see a Bausch show at the Brooklyn Academy of Music, and it was so good I didn’t even check scores on my cell phone during intermission. Bausch was rare in her attention to scope, detail, and depth. Theater is slowly losing minds like hers to other media, and with her death the stage might have lost it’s last great artist. Example, you may ask? Fensterputzer laveur de vitre.

Best of The Arts
While at the Santa Fe Art Institute I visited SITE Santa Fe on the urging of Meredith Nickie. The contemporary art space featured the works of Brent Green and Ruben Ochoa, and impressed me enough that I wrote a play about the gallery, mewithout YOUtommorrow and TUESDAY. “Good” art and “bad” art is never the point. Art should inspire and make a person think, which is what SITE does in spades.

Philosophy of 2009
With the growth of atheism by 15% since George Bush was elected in 2000, Patton Oswalt brought home the perfect understanding of God, Heaven, and Sky Cake with his return to the stage. You can catch his bit here, and understand that there may be no God, but we would have no civilization with the threat of one.

Best Football Game of 2009 (Yes, football is art)
Appalachian St. vs. Montana: 17 degrees with a 0 wind chill, this bombastic romp played out like a thunderous action movie in the snow.

2009 Was “Up” To The Filmmakers
The two best films I saw all year were Up and Up in The Air. One a cartoon, the other an adaptation of a Walter Kirn novel, both where gems showing shades of the light and the dark, the silly and the tragic, the fantastic and the real. All that, and talking dogs. Talking dogs are cool.

Book of the Year
Mirrors: the Stories of Almost Everything by Eduardo Galeano. Possibly the best Latin American writer alive, Galeano published a lyrical work based behind the most important and influential people in history. It’s rare for non-fiction to work in such a dreamscape pattern, but Galeano did just that with gusto.

Best Website of the 2009
David Lynch’s Interview Project. Using simple three-minute interviews of people from all around the country, Lynch’s team of filmmakers showed an honest window into the character of modern day America.

Blog of the 2009
Pourmecoffee is not just a treasure trove of the funny, the bizarre, and the interesting, it also offers the best tweets (or, as I like to call them “twats”) on Tweeter such as “Chuck Grassley leaves out his famous High-Fructose Corn Cookies for Santa.” Every time I visit this blog I walk away saying, “Damn, I wish I had said that”, and feel strongly I have a friend in the war on stupid.

Song Of 2009
As Glenn Beck brought his fear, so came Lily Allen’s The Fear. The song didn’t get much attention stateside for it’s frank language and criticism of materialism (a cardinal sin in the U.S. of A.), but her melancholy pop rhymes were the perfect song and style to a year soaked in irony. Allen claims she will take her cloths off, and it will be shameless, but, of course, that is how you become famous…and that was the world of 2009. Shame is nothing to fame. Just ask Beck, Palin, Bachman, or the boys and girls at C Street.

What an odd and peculiar year it was, and it makes me wonder what is yet to come. 2010 feels like a witching hour on the horizon to me, as if something in the department of big and bigger will scare us all, and I don’t mean, “boo”. Will wars be turned upside down? Will Obama fly away with aliens? Will girls in bikinis do a moon bath? Will pigs fly in formation? Will you tell me you love me (my favorite line of the poem)? What will start on December 31st at the stroke 12:00am, at the stroke of noon?

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
December 29th, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other maters on my mind…super sized for 2009).
1.) "Death Panel" is at the top of the list of wild lies this year.
2.) Several “Best Of The Decade” movie lists are erupting, but it’s a indignity not many have Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou on them…
3.) Or Michael Clayton…
4.) Or The Door In The Floor.
5.) Brittany Murphy's Luanne on King of the Hill was one of my all-time favorite vocal characterizations. Such tragic news that she died. I can’t stop thinking about her.
6.) In 2010 I look forward to visiting San Francisco for the first time as a Djerassi resident this June.
7.) After Avatar, I wanted to kill every smurf I saw in the name of bloodthirsty capitalism. Runner-up to this joke? I just wanted one of the blue aliens to yelp, “I’m tired of the white man stealing our women and raping our buffalo”. The bronze, you ask? If there’s one thing I learned from Avatar is that our most precious resource is the Blue Man Group.
8.) I think there is a team in NFC that will shock the conference in the play-offs. What the team is well beyond my comprehension, but I’m thinking the Eagles are looking very good right now.
9.) In July, I look forward to returning to the Santa Fe Art Institute to finish my novel and my new play.
10.) In the end, I can’t think of 2009 without thinking of health reform, and at least 278 former Congressional aides lobbied on health care, over $600 million spent, and health industry stocks hit a 52 year high. Yeah. Health reform, where the rich get richer.

Irish Fight, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Save The Notre Dame Football Program With The Power of Reality Television

2009-11-28T14:18:00.002-06:00

In an effort to avoid writing a student’s letter of recommendation for the Environmental Protection Agency Undergraduate Research Opportunities Scholarship and the Morris K. Udall Scholarship (an avidly difficult scholarship to write for) my mind has wondered into another one of my brilliantly silly football ideas.

As Notre Dame prepares for a last regular season game tonight versus Stanford, there has been mighty buzz that head coach Charlie Weis will be axed at the end of the year. This is problematic, as Weis has signed a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract. However, his tenure for the Fighting Irish has been plagued with mediocrity, and that shall not stand with the alumni of a school that believes it is the cradle of football civilization. Another issue; whom replaces Weis? Notre Dame is a good school, and it can be difficult to recruit with their academic standards. I believe I have a solution.

If I was the athletic director of Notre Dame I would tell Weis he will be back for one more season, ask egomaniacal-top-recruit quarterback Jimmy Klausen to stay in school for his senior year, and call NBC (the home of Irish ball) and propose a reality television series on the team in an all-or-nothing theme towards a title bowl game. Weis, Klausen, the school, and NBC all get the attention they crave, and everyone saves money (reality TV is notoriously cheap to produce).

Now, add in the human factors. Weis is an “everyman” whose daughter has downs syndrome. Who would want to see him get fired? Klausen is trying to be the number one pick in the NFL Draft. The added exposure would give him a massive edge. Notre has lost the luster of its golden dome, often loosing to archrival USC. In the fourth game of the season, Notre Dame plays Stanford, a football program on the rise headed by former Michigan and NFL quarterback Jim Harbaugh, who hates USC, it’s head coach, and often beats the hell out of the SoCal squad. This fourth game could provide an inciting event for the rest of the season. Harbaugh will be in the wings, like a Fortinbras-and potential Weis replacement, for the rest of series that could come down to Notre Dame’s final game of the year at USC. I love this idea. We could call the show “Irish Fight”, and pair it with “Friday Night Lights". Notre Dame could use the reality show as a recruiting tool, a pre-game show, and draw new fans with the series. This idea is brilliantly silly, but what do they have to loose? It’s hard time for a great program, and this year Weis and the team laid down like dogs to the competition. It’s time to put a little fight back in the Irish, and what better way than a dose of “reality”.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
November 28th, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) From Kbeninato’s twitter feed: "If you believe in evolution or gravity or photosynthesis or stuff Republicans are afraid of, come on over to the Democratic Party."
2.) From Roger Ebert’s twitter feed: “Applying Gene Siskel's theory: Rather than see "Old Dogs," I wish I'd seen a documentary of the same people having lunch”.
3.) I had a lovely time at The Continental Club drinking Jack, seeing James McMurtry, and talking with a young Canadian about the NHL's original six. I must be on vacation.
4.) Dubai’s economic “freeze” on debt scares the hell out of me.
5.) David Zirin has a nice essay about Canada’ Olympic paranoia. You can read it here.

Matt Taibbi’s Essay “Sarah Plain, WWE Star”

2009-11-22T13:46:00.002-06:00

This week I want to give as much time and space to the latest essay by Matt Taibbi entitled “Sarah Plain, WWE Star”, who emphasizes the importance of Sarah Palin and her book in a new political and media arena. I can’t stress the significance of this essay and the deep understanding of what Taibbi presents. You can catch his say here.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
November 22nd, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) With their third touchdown of the first quarter, the Browns offense now leads the Saints defense in touchdowns this season, 8-7.
2.) I’m thinking about writing an adaptation of Brokeback Mountain with a werewolf and vampire and call it "Newer Moon."
3.) If you haven’t seen it, catch “Jon Stewart Explains To Conservative Pundits Why He Doesn't Like Sarah Palin” here.
4.) I think Jim Harbaugh is the next head coach of The Fighting Irish.
5.) I had a meal at Uchi last night, one of the most celebrated Japanese restaurants in America. The anago was easily the best I have ever had.

Online Essay #4, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Start Loving a Good Science Fair

2009-11-13T15:34:00.003-06:00

For this week’s blog I’ve decided to return to my teaching well once again. However, this time I am looking to do something a little bit different. This week I am providing my essay prompt for my American Dilemmas class at St. Edward’s University. Several of us professor-folk at St. Edward’s believe that American Dilemmas is one of the most important classes because we, basically, confront the students with the evils of this world and ask them on how should we deal with said evils. I like to think of this as a Defense Against The Dark Arts class at Hogwarts in the universe of Harry Potter. Anyway, I’m posting this on federal prisoner 30664 with the hope that, you, dear readers, will actually take the quiz as well, or at the least, drop a few thoughts and opinions.

ONLINE ESSAY #4
In class we discussed several dilemmas and we have made lists of issues within these dilemmas. Take five of the nine following issues and rank these matters from least problematic to most problematic in our society. Explain your reasoning in detail using examples from class and the several readings we have had this fall. The total essay should be around 1000 words. All of the paper writing elements in the silly-bus apply. Here are your options, and remember to pick only five.

1.) Place
2.) Poverty
3.) Environment
4.) “Legal” Drugs
5.) “Illegal” Drugs
6.) Family Values
7.) Global Capitalism (what you are reading about this week)
8.) Male Pattern Baldness
9.) Surprise Me*

* Yup, surprise me. American Dilemmas is a general studies survey class. We need to hit many factors, but don’t have time to touch them all. Remember, the powers that are get guys like me to teach this class because I want to know what you think. Have we left something out? Religion? Arts? Dane Cook? If you would like to add on a dilemma of your choosing, TAKE IT SERIOUSLY, and back this self-chosen-dilemma with evidence.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
November 13th, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) Brilliant pieces on Manny Pacquiao by Patrick Rosal you can catch at Kutibeng.

2.) Why is Dane Cook mentioned in the quiz? Because we talked of Vicious Circle” the other day in class and decided Mr. Cook is not funny.

3.) Sarah Palin’s book is 5 chapters long. Why? Because 6 would be too mavericky! Maybe I will devote a "5 Easy Pieces" some day to this book of hers.

4.) I want Lou Dobbs to come over and cut my lawn for whatever I feel like paying him. He is unemployed, you know.

5.) I always love a good science fair. Check this jazz out.

My Creature From The Black Lagoon, or The Fun of Terror

2009-10-30T18:53:00.007-05:00

“I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out. I'm not proud.” –Stephen King

Stephen King is a favorite among my students, for obvious reason. His stories are fast and often a little dirty, dealing with monsters and pop-culture. And, his stories are human. When looking at King I’m always reminded about humanity. Each Halloween we read King’s My Creature From The Black Lagoon in my class from his Danse Macabre collection of nonfiction (Everest House 1981) in which King compares and contrast horror flicks with “fairy tales”. This always leads to what is more horribly human, the monsters of Disney films, or the monsters in horror movies like zombies, vampires, and serial killers? In Danse Macabre, King classifies the horror genre into three defined and descending levels; 1.) Terror, 2.) Horror, and 3.) Revulsion.

In discussing the unique nature of terror with my students, I provide a blow-by-blow example as how horror movies reflect the sociology of the past fifty years. In the 1950’s we had the scare of atomic power, leading to radiated monsters movies such as Godzilla, Them!, and Attack of The 50 Foot Woman. Then came The Red Scare, the fear that the Russians were coming for us all with their wicked, alien ideologies and we got Invasion of The Body Snatchers. All of this was terrifying, and horrible, but hardly repulsive. In 1968 George Romero came out of Pittsburgh with Night of the Living Dead, a story based around the old (dead, if you will) eating the young in an era when counter culture politics was at a peak. Even the martyr in the legendary zombie flick is a black man, being chased by dead white folk.

Then, after Vietnam and Water Gate, things changed. The questions of American honor and trust came to play with the slasher flick, the movie about a quiet next door neighbor became the all-to-human-terror, the new horror, and even a little repulsive. In Halloween Michael Meyers chopped sexually active teenagers during the sexual revolution. Friday The 13th had Jason Voorhees and his mother doing the same. What kind of name is Voorhees anyways? In the 1980’s Ronald Reagan called Russia the “Evil Empire” (le Evil Empire in French), and we saw the horror film evolve once again. Then, we saw the larger-than-life dreamy monsters, like Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare On Elm Street, and the supernatural horror of Pumpkinhead, and don’t forget Clive Barker’s Hellraiser. The horror during the Reagan administration had a less than human-fairy tale aspect, like a drunk Disney film. And, once the “Evil Empire” was killed, everything was fine. We had hardly any social problems for horror films to reflect upon, at least that is what our cable news outlets had us believe. In the 1990’s, when the economy was great and the only problem America seemed to have was Bill Clinton lying about oral sex with an intern, and the horror movie became ironic and snarky. There were no creatures from lagoons, or flesh eating zombies. We just had fast talking teenagers and The Fonz from Happy Days in Scream.

Then, in September of 2001, some bad men stole four airplanes and gave the horror genre new life. As opposed to Reagan’s "Nightmare", or the hack and slash of the sexual revolution, everything got repulsively real, and human. Not humane, human. Torture movies became the new horror. Hostel was a smash hit. Jean Francois Rauger, film critic for Le Monde, named Hostel the best American film of 2006. And, all of a sudden, zombies returned, and they were fast. 28 Days Later ushered in the pandemic zombie, the virulent diseased monster infected with illness that spread like wildfire across the world, like SARS or this new swine flu thing.

When discussing King’s theories on terror, on horror, on repulsion I ask my students “what’s next, what is the new social problem horror films will reflect?” As a kid, King saw The Creature From The Black Lagoon at a drive-in, and the fake rubber-suited actor brought him little fear. But, how human the creature was with his haunting eyes resonated long after the lights came up on the parking lot. My students and I can never agree on what the next Creature From The Black Lagoon is going to be. I think the new terror will be about the repulsive behavior of health insurance companies killing us all slowly. My students say it’s the iPhone turning us into zombies. We’ll never know until we see it. That’s the fun of terror.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
October 30th, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) I want to stampede cattle across John Cusack’s land. His 2012 movie looks like crap. I used to believe in Cusack, and the way he would stand in the rain-waiting for women to notice him. I don’t believe in anything anymore. I’m gonna join the Republican party. And it is Cusack’s fault.
2.) This week for my American Dilemmas class I made a little “Red Meat” comic Strip to inform the students of the assignment. You can catch it here.
3.) Really, John Cusack, did you need the money that badly? I would have given it to you. A movie about 2012? Why, Johnny, why?
4.) I love Robert Englund’s (the original Freddy Krueger) “Five Things That Scare Me.” You can catch it here.
5.) Senator Joseph Lieberman's threat to filibuster health care legislation that includes a public option for insurance coverage has sent minor shock-waves into me. How could one senator hold a historic reform process hostage? I think Lieberman only wants attention in his last years on this earth, and has lost his moral compass.

CODA
If you really want to be hip deep in fear this Halloween take a look at the new animated Anthony Bourdain jazz The Travel Channel has asked me to preview. My bad-ass boss is most certainly a franchise now.

The Assignment, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Confront The Existential Complexities of Relationships and Not Eating Little Boy-Kings

2009-10-25T18:56:00.004-05:00

This week I wrote my American Dilemmas class a short play that details portions of the assignment. People often ask what exactly is this class I teach. Thus, I have decided for the second week in a row to share how this class functions, in a rather fun way.

Dear Gang,

This week I wrote a short play for you. Read it very carefully and look at each link and take a look at the two men I ask you to google in this play. Find out what you can about them.

Prof. TB

The Assignment
By
Timothy Braun

(Inside the office of THE PROFESSOR THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING THAN MATTHEW MCCONAUGHY. This character is in his mid-thirties and dressed in blue jeans, blacks shoes, and a black button down shirt. He is rakish, yet modest. THE FORMER STUDENT walks in. This character is very cool, and will do well when they graduate from college.)

THE FORMER STUDENT
Professor, I just want to thank you for meeting with me and writing all those letters of recommendation for internships and fellowships and graduate school. How are things this semester?

THE PROFESSOR THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING THAN MATTHEW MCCONAUGHY
The semester is a mixed bag, my former student. My American Dilemmas class is filled with fantastic and smart students. I really believe in the American Dilemmas class because it gives the students the opportunity to look at pressing matters in America from a 360 degree point-of-view for a full week. For example, last week we talked of sexuality and gay rights in America. Our discussion was spirited and the exact reason why we have CULF classes at this fine, unnamed, institution of higher knowledge. The students got to hear different and challenging ideas and perspectives on the matter in a safe environment, and that is what learning is all about. Some of the ideas expressed disturbed the students, but that is great. That is why we have this class. And we had cake.

THE FORMER STUDENT
I always loved it when you brought cake to class. Outside of your rakish good looks, and remarkably modest personality, you have always had great taste in cakes.

THE PROFESSOR THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING THAN MATTHEW MCCONAUGHY
Yes. Yes I know. But, my former student, I am also very disappointed in many of these very smart and wonderful students. You see, two weeks ago I gave a simple pop quiz on a reading called “Bitches, Bunnies, and Biddies” which I emphasized in an e-blast, and I even warned my class the week before that a pop quiz was coming. Yet, SIX of the students answered the quiz by indicating they didn’t do the reading, and two of those students added the comment of “…but at least I’m in class.”

THE FORMER STUDENT
Do you mean these students did half of the bare minimum that was expected from them that week, and they felt just showing up should be recognized? Don’t they know you slave over a hot syllabus all summer long to create a multilayered and engaging course? I bet you just ripped into those students.

THE PROFESSOR THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING THAN MATTHEW MCCONAUGHY
No. That is not my way. I am just very disappointed! See, this class only meets once a week, and at the beginning of the semester I explained they had to come to class prepared and ready to rock each and every week. It makes me feel like a bad professor.

THE FORMER STUDENT
No! I won’t hear it! You are a good professor who loves his students the way bears love honey! And, you are almost, no, you are so much better looking than Matthew McConaughy! Being a student requires discipline and dedication. If these students went to T.G.I. Friday’s and the server didn’t know the specials, wouldn’t they be disappointed? You know what, if I went to see Will Smith sing in concert and he came to the microphone and told the audience he hadn’t learned his songs, but, hey, at least he showed up, I would be upset. That would not be giggy with it.

THE PROFESSOR THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING THAN MATTHEW MCCONAUGHY
Jiggy. It is pronounced “Jiggy.”

THE FORMER STUDENT
What did I say?

THE PROFESSOR THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING THAN MATTHEW MCCONAUGHY
“Giggy.” It’s okay. It happens to the best of us. I just don’t know what to do it inspire my students anymore. I thought about sending them fun adaptations of 80’s love songs.

(Like this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCZzyaQlwrk)

THE FORMER STUDENT
I don’t know if your students have earned a fun love song. I mean the idea of coming to class without doing the reading is just retarded.

THE PROFESSOR THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING THAN MATTHEW MCCONAUGHY
Pump your breaks, my former student. You see, each week in America Dilemmas we look at key terms and hurt-filled words, and this week we are looking at disability in America and the word “retarded” in the circle of disability is similar to the “N-word” to African-Americans, the “F-word” to homosexuals, and the “C-word” to women. Don’t you remember?

(Just look at this article http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=112479383)

THE FORMER STUDENT
I do remember. Wait! Is this the class where you watch “Murderball?”

(This link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murderball_(film) provides info, and the trailer is here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kaT5dDiISw)

THE PROFESSOR THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING THAN MATTHEW MCCONAUGHY
Because we only meet once a week we won’t have time to watch the documentary in class, which is too bad considering that the star of the documentary lives here in Austin and can often be found at Casino el Camino on 6th Street.

THE FORMER STUDENT
Camino? Wow. Mark Zupan is hardcore. I am certain your students will google him to learn more. Now, if I am right, this is the unit where you look at gender and sexual behavior among the disabled, outlined on page 325 in the Social Problems reader.

THE PROFESSOR THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING THAN MATTHEW MCCONAUGHY
Wow, you sure do remember a great deal of the class.

THE FORMER STUDENT
Of course I do. I’m willing to bet you’ve had your student’s google David Tammet, and look at links on autism…
(like this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDMMwG7RrFQ)…
and ADHD…
(such as this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJHT5XROrBA)…
because the diagnosis of those disabilities is on the rise, and that rise has a lot to do with the problems of place, environment, and poverty. And, knowing you, you are probably leading to some other assignment after this week. Perhaps on crime and punishment. That would be a really hot topic to discuss considering the fact that we executed a mentally retarded, I mean disabled, man here in Texas.

THE PROFESSOR THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING THAN MATTHEW MCCONAUGHY
Um…have you noticed our dialogue has gotten remarkably stilted and direct?

THE FORMER STUDENT
No. I haven’t. But, I have noticed that when students don’t do the reading for your class Al Qaeda gets closer to winning the war on terror, and if that happens they will eat all of our apple pie, and what is America without apple pie? Mediocrity is the greatest sin a person can do, and no being prepared for class is just mediocre.

THE PROFESSOR THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING THAN MATTHEW MCCONAUGHY
Golly. That was random. I mean, really, really random. To be fair, I do have one student in my American Dilemmas class who I think might be the greatest student I have ever had. And, that student’s name is…

(Church bells interrupt the scene.)

THE FORMER STUDENT
Oh. I have to run. Those are my church bells. I am getting married today to a person I really love.

THE PROFESSOR THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING THAN MATTHEW MCCONAUGHY
How did you meet said person you really love, former student?

THE FORMER STUDENT
I met this person at a cool party and impressed them with my mighty knowledge of American social problems. Because I came to your class prepared each week. Now I must go and be happy for the rest of my life. But first I would like to thank you again for being a swell teacher. You are just like my father, except my father is in prison. So long!

(THE FORMER STUDENT exits. THE PROFESSOR THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING THAN MATTHEW MCCONAUGHY goes to the window in his office and looks upon his current students, who are all reading the chapter on disabilities in the Social Problems textbook. Oh, and everyone has apple pie.)

END OF PLAY

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
October 25, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) I’m really diggin’ Lily Allen’s song "The Fear". She has an honest quality to hear voice I love. You can catch the video here.
2.) The holder/kicker combo for the New Orleans Saints is a combined 84 years old - Carney (45) and Brunell (39).
3.) I have not received my information from the Travel Channel this week on the new episode of Madventures. Thus, I have come to the conclusion that the boys have been eaten, or something.
4.) My quote for the week must be “Outside of a book, dog is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.” –Groucho Marx
5.) I wish I was more mentally prepared for Where The Wild Things Are (pictured) when I saw it yesterday. I’m still negotiating the existential complexities of relationships and not eating little boy-kings.

It Smells Like Heat And Men, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Madventures in New Guinea

2009-10-18T09:33:00.003-05:00

"It smells like heat and men”, said a student entering your classroom after we adjured last week. Now, for those of you needing extra credit, I would like for you write a thirty page paper on the place/poverty/environment ratio for something to smell of both heat and men at the same.

Before I write on this week’s Madventures exploitations for my bosses at the Travel Channel, I want to draw more attention to what is happening in one of my Cultural Studies classes. The above paragraph is a portion, and a joke, from the eblast I sent to my American Dilemmas students this week. In this class we deal with complex matters that have no simplified solution, such as racism. Interestingly, this week an interracial couple who where denied a marriage license in Louisiana. I personally like the quote "I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else." Wow. The bathroom. I wonder if this guys shares the same water fountain with his piles of black friends. Slapping frosting to this irony cake, President Obama was in New Orleans on the same day visiting school kids in the 9th ward. That is right, the child of mixed parents. You can catch the story here.

This coming week in American Dilemmas we will be looking at “Sexual Orientation” which will encompass a great deal. I am having my class look at these links.

I want my students to be aware of the research of Kinsey.

Dropping right out of the sky exactly when I need it, sadly, Matt Shepard was killed ten years ago this week. Take a look and listen at this link.

Also, this is the official website for the Westboro Baptist Church. Before you go to the website, take a look at the URL.
http://www.godhatesfags.com/

Many of my students are bothered that homosexuals in our country taunt leprechauns with their pride flag. A great solution to the issues of homosexuality in America is to ignore it, right? Watch this link and you will understand.

Now, onto to Madventures to appease my Travel Channel overlords. This week, Riku and Tunna are with the Hamtai warriors of Papua New Guinea. Wackiness happens. I’m very serious when I ask, are these guys going to get killed on an episode? Just look at the picture. That has to be one mighty fine American dilemma by itself, and there only one way to find out, kids. Catch Madventures this Monday at 9pm Texas time on The Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
October 18, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) I’m shocked and amazed at Pepsi’s new iPhone application and their insanely sexist approach to women.
2.) I’m rather bothered by the vampire-gay conspiracy.
3.) With Halloween coming, why do zombies eat the living, when the living eat dead meat?
4.) I just learned about this website and have never wanted to drink more or harder.
5.) I’m trying to stay as quiet as I can on this matter, as I wish not to taunt the football God’s, but I think the Colts might be the most dangerous team in football.

Penis In China, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Realized Woody Harrelson Is One Damn Fine Zombie Killer

2009-10-11T19:02:00.002-05:00

At the Donghuamen Night Market one can find culinary treasures like starfish, seahorses, insects, and various innards of animals, which sounds more than appealing to me in my never-ending quest to eat as many different animals as possible. This is the prime location for Madventures this week as our heroes claw their way into the heart of the hidden treasures of China. The most disturbing, and the one I question if I could confront, is the penis emporium, where the boys visit a restaurant that sells a variety of animal penises to help boost "manly energy." I’ve heard rumors for years that you can enjoy as many animal wangs as you can, but in China you have to special order most seal penis, which make me ask “Why?” What makes seal cock the bee’s knees?

In the art of asking questions, over the past several weeks I’ve been asking myself why Madventures isn’t longer? Well, this week the boys study kung fu, and it occurred to me they have little chance of living past the age of next week. The bosses over that the Travel Channel are trying to get the most millage out of Madventures by dropping miniature nuggets on us at a time. Thus, when our nimrods are dead, TC can still live off the glories exploits for years to come. Sneaky bastards. Madventures’ China episode shows at 9pm Texas time on the Travel Channel

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
October 11, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) I think it is ironic that Obama wins the Noble Peace Prize the same day we bomb the moon.
2.) I am not completely sold on the Cincinnati Bengals, but they have my attention.
3.) I think what Barney Frank said about the Equality Rally in D.C. was spot on. You can march all you want, but bug you rep. if you want something done.
4.) NFLPA Executive Director DeMaurice Smith has come out against Rush Limbaugh buying the St. Louis Rams. Good for him. A racist has no place where over half the players are black.
5.) The Zombieland soundtrack is mighty fine. The Velvet Underground, Raul Malo, The Black Keys, and The Raconteurs. Oh. Yeah. In the movie Woody Harrelson, once again, proves why I want to be as close to him as I can be when the zombies come. What a damn good zombie killer.

Conservatism, Zombieland, and The Colts, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The McHotdog

2009-10-05T19:40:00.009-05:00

I prefer not to bullet point essays and ideas as on this blog, but three interesting links have been brought to my attention in the past 24 hours and I want to draw as much individual attention to each as I can.

The first is a very good editorial from Is Conservatism Brain-Dead? By Steven F. Hayward of the Washington Post. Hayward brings up aspects and points I have been contemplating myself since the death of William Safire last week.

The second is Roger Ebert’s political blog this week with the Chicago Sun Times. After thousands of movie reviews and Pulitzer Prize, Ebert is on top of his game with this scathing essay about lunatic right and the "Joker" like attacks. right.

The last is the announcement of a conservatives editing of the bible you can catch here.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
October 5, 2009

Five easy pieces (a quintet of other matters in my mind.)
1.) Colts are 4-0 and the rookies are looking good. If the Colts go into December with only one two losses (a distinct possibility) I see the Colts resting the vets and giving more touches, more experience-to the young guys. This will make them one dangerous team in post-season.
2.) Conde Nest closes four magazines, including Gourmet. Many of my writer friends are unemployed because of this move.
3.) I really want to see Zombieland.
4.) On a facebook quiz entitled “Which Failed McDonald’s Menu Item Are You”, I found out that I am the McHotdog. Cool!
5.) Back to the Colts. I think the defense is slowly coming around, and I expect to see more blitzes in October and November. Again, this could be a very dangerous team in January.

Madventures In The Philippines, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Do A Little Math

2009-10-04T10:15:00.003-05:00

In my never-ending quest to exploit the English language, I’ve been searching for ways to effectively describe Madventures. The best I have been able to come up with is “an unadulterated assault n the sense.” The more I observe the exploits of Riku and Tunna, I can’t decide if I want to spend time with these boys, or if I want to stay as far away from them as humanly possible.

This week on Madventures, the dynamic duo hit the Philippines, a country notorious for giving good times. The guys land at the Rainbow Pacific Suites Hotel. For $20 a night they scored a large room with air conditioning and free breakfast, which is a little odd, almost mundane for these two. They later realized that the hotel's clientele was somewhat dubious, and the owners seemed to rent rooms by the hour. The more I watch Madventures, the more I find myself cheering for Riku and Tunna. I’ve often found that most people know 2+2=4 and are worried about that. Riku and Tunna seem to want 2+2 to equal 5, and happy to show you why. Madventures shows on Monday, September 28 at 9pm Texas time on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
October 4th, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) David Zirin’s comments on Chicago blowing an Olympic bid are very good. You can find them here.
2.) I am lecturing on race relations in my American dilemmas class this week. I found this to be rather interesting.
3.) I’ve got the Saints beating the Jets, and Vikings losing to the Packers this week.
4.) Student: "Professor, you're an Eagle Scout? So am I. So, you got a letter from the president. Was that Carter?" Me: "Clinton. You're gonna need some extra credit to pass my class."
5.) With Austin City Limits festival this weekend, I have heard rumors that the Kings of Leon show was the bomb.

The Dancing Octopus In Japan, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Realized My Criteria For Protesters

2009-09-25T19:03:00.002-05:00

“This program depicts potentially illegal, dangerous activities in which viewers should not engage. Not intend for younger audiences. Viewer discretion is advised.”

There is not one singles solitary word I don’t like in the Madventures disclaimer. This show is unlike anything else on the American flicker box. Sure, we have our fair share of imitators, but nothing comes close to these two, fearless Finnish lads on the Travel Channel right now. This week the guys are heading to Japan - other shows have gone there - but Madventures shows us a different side of Japan, a slam-bam, thank-you-mam twist on the legendary country. From Japanese robots to strange hotels, sword making and squirmy local dishes –such as octopus- this episode will take us to a crazier side of this amazing destination.

For the first time on federal prisoner 30664, I will let the pictures function as my words. Just watch the clip my gang from the Travel Channel has sent me and you will have a full understanding as to why this is not just the best new show on the cable wire, it might be the best new show in America. Madventures shows on Monday, September 28 at 9pm Texas time on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
September 25, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) One of my favorite things on the inter-web is The Onions’ AV Club, and this week’s “Favorite micro-genres” is a bucket of fun. You can catch it here.
2.) Watch out, NFL folk. I have the 49ers smacking the Vikings this weekend.
3.) Brilliant work on the Huffington Post with regards to the Obama sing-along bashing by Fox News. You can catch the article here
4.) Back to football. The Colts are the second youngest team in the NFL. What I liked about last weeks game against the Dolphins? Major contributions from rookies and young players. This week, expect rookie Donald Brown to run right up the middle of the Arizona defense.
5.) I must admit the tear-gassed protesters at the G20 meeting in Pittsburgh this week are much hotter than the tea baggers. That is how I judge protests. How hot the gals are. Because I’m a feminists. Yeah.

Madventures, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The “Sandy Duncan School of Officiating”

2009-09-19T16:57:00.004-05:00

Madventures, the new Travel Channel acquisition, is on a quest to explore the most odd destinations on the globe. Riku and Tunna are two Finnish daredevils who cross the planet carrying nothing but backpacks and cameras from the Himalayas to the African deserts, from Tokyo to Polynesia. Admittedly, if I were young and Finnish, I would want to charge across the globe in this fashion.

A notorious European product, Madventures originated on SubTV, and became so big in other countries, my boys at the Travel Channel have brought it to the states. What makes this show different from other on the travel channel is that it focuses on backpacking, and living and basically nothing. Riku and Tunna boast they are on a journey, not a vacation. The, ugh, (m)adventures include meeting the world's last cannibals in Papua, uncovering the illegal bazooka business in Cambodia and doing rock-paper-scissors to see who has to eat monkey brains straight from the skull in the Amazon. Personally, I think the show is going to rock America, much in the way it rolled Europe. Don't miss your exclusive trip to the edge of your sofa starting this Monday, September 21, at 9pm, Texas time on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
September 19, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) “Straight from the Sandy Duncan School of officiating”, Chris Ead’s status update with regards to college football on facebook.com.
2.) Huckabee Beats Palin For President In 2012 Straw Poll. Um. Yeah?
3.) I find that the Obama gang is looking more and more shrewd by excluding Fox news in his media blitz. Obama, basically, has decided to forsaken the nasty right, and go for the other 75% of the country. Smart man.
4.) Spoke to my old dogs Annie Yim and Kyle Haden about doing a project or two together this week. The conversation excited me greatly. Oh, and Happy birthday, Kyle.
5.) Who do I like this weekend in the NFL? Well, The Saints will crush The Eagles; the Colts will fry the fish, and watch out for The Jets. I may have been wrong about them. At least, for now.

64 Lines About 32 Teams: NFL Predictions for 2009

2009-09-12T13:16:00.002-05:00

I’m more than excited about the upcoming football season. During the spring and summer, when football has left me, I feel a void in my heart that can’t be filled. It’s as if a lover has gone missing from my life. A big sweat-covered lover who can blitz, and drop into pass coverage. In welcoming football back into my life, into all of our lives, I will breakdown the season to be by taking a page from The Nails “88 Lines About 44 Women”, and write of each team in such a manner. This is a daunting task, as I am notorious longwinded, but I’m up to the challenge.

NFC North
4.) Detroit: Much better than last year, but will be a loser nonetheless. However, the Lions will fight in this season to the bitter end.
3.) Minnesota: Brett Favre has acted like a teenage girl, and I’m afraid of girls like that. They win their first three games, then crash and burn in the snow.
2.) Chicago: They can run and play defense, but something isn’t right. Is Jay Cutler the next Jeff George?
1.) Green Bay: The new 3-4 defense has looked dazzling in exhibition. Keep your peepers on Aaron Rogers as an MVP candidate.

NFC South
4.) Tampa Bay: My cousin is a Bucs fan. He loves misery.
3.) Carolina: I don’t care for the new, simplistic defense. The injuries always seem to mount on this team.
2.) Atlanta: Could be a surprise contender. The birds will push New Orleans ‘til Christmas.
1.) New Orleans: Sean Payton’s back is against the wall, and he will call plays with a “Devil may care” mindset. Drew Brees will shine like a star once again.

NFC East
4.) Washington: No cohesion. No play-offs.
3.) Dallas: Read the Washington lines again. You know it be true.
2.) Philadelphia: Too many injuries make me anxious. That, and Andy Reid can’t seem to pull it together when it matters.
1.) New York Giants: Eli Manning is playing with a smooth confidence. Fewer distractions make this team a Super Bowl challenger once again.

NFC West
4.) Seattle: Name one player on this team that strikes fear in the heart of the opposition. I couldn’t name one either.
3.) Arizona: The sand birds have receivers and little else. Kurt Warner never seems to play well when he has nothing to prove.
2.) St. Louis: The Rams won’t win a thing until Halloween, but then they will scare the “Hell” out of the NFL. The new coaching staff will be under the arch for years to come.
1.) San Francisco: Mike Singletary has the gift of gab. He rallies his troops to a first place finish with moxy and a mean tongue.

AFC North
4.) Cleveland: I like the special teams. Um, that is it.
3.) Cincinnati: Profound players aplenty, but the offensive line is the worst. Carson Palmer can’t get the ball to his receivers on his back.
2.) Baltimore: A good squad, but not great. Will Ray Lewis start to show his age?
1.) Pittsburgh: The blitz comes in waves. So will the wins.

AFC South
4.) Jacksonville: More and more, head coach Jack Del Rio looks like Ahab. This year he drowns hunting his white whale.
3.) Tennessee: I don’t like the loss of Jim Schwartz, or the battle at quarterback. This unit feels like it’s hurting for a heartbreak year.
2.) Houston: Steve Slaton goes to the Pro Bowl. The Texans play in January for the first time ever.
1.) Indianapolis: This team goes 12-4, riding the best chemistry in the NFL. Peyton Manning has a geographic offense and will throw to all the corners of his globe.

AFC East
4.) NY Jets: I like the attitude, but not much else. Once again the Jets are in a year of growth.
3.) Buffalo: On November 1st I see this team blowing a game to Houston, creating a chain reaction of finger pointing for the rest of the season. Head coach Dick Juron losses his job come Christmas.
2.) Miami: This team has more than the “wild cat”. This defense could make a nun nervous.
1.) New England: Men behave badly when they have something to prove. This fall, Tom Brady will be one bad man.

AFC West
4.) Oakland: This team is as complicated as a French film. They could be second place and still have a losing season in this division.
3.) Kansas City: I’m tempted to put them at the two spot. They could surprise.
2.) Denver: A few pieces here, a few pieces there, but this team is just waiting for the 2010 draft? I hope Colt McCoy likes the Broncos colors.
1.) San Diego: The time is now. The Bolts must win, or whispers of breaking-up the roster will be heard.

Play-Offs
NFC (in no honest order).

New York
New Orleans
Green Bay
San Francisco
Philadelphia
Atlanta

NFC Title Game: Green Bay vs. New Orleans

AFC (in no real order).
San Diego
New England
Indianapolis
Pittsburgh
Houston
Miami

AFC Title Game: Indianapolis vs. New England

Super Bowl: New England over Green Bay

Welcome back, football. Welcome back, my baby.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
September 12, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind…NFL ed.)
1.) You can listen to “88 Lines…” here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWWpUmRlkRc
2.) My Rookie Of The Year is currently divided between Knowshon Moreno and Austin Collie.
3.) I won’t be surprised if the Bengals prove me wrong.
4.) Defensive Player of the Year is Mario Williams’ to blow.
5.) Keep our eye on the Redskins. They do have a weak schedule, and if they get it together they could go to the play offs.

Bourdain In Sardinia, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying A Love The Huffington Post

2009-09-12T12:41:00.000-05:00

The Sardinia episode is one I’ve been waiting 5 seasons for. Bourdain travels with his wife, Ottavia, to her father’s country and learns what it means to be Sardinian as he gives himself over to the Busia family for a whole week. This is the season finally and is gonna be a good one.

In Sardinia, Bourdain gets his dream as he dines on a whirlwind of pastas, cheeses and meats such as donkey, famous Sardinian snails, baby goat drizzled with pork fat, wild hare, partridge and of course, carasau, Sardinian bread. It isn’t just the mountainous landscape and age old traditions that Tony loves about Sardinia – it’s also the food and he states he would go there, if only for that. With good cheese, good sausage, good wine, good bread is everywhere, at every meal, I have always thought the boss works best when food is the focus. Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations Sardinia airs Monday, September 14 at 9pm Texas time on the Travel Channel. Then, Bourdain will have a special post about the episode on his blog: http://anthony-bourdain-blog.travelchannel.com/

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
September 12, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) Been listening to much Spoon of late. You can catch the ne EP at this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4Q9zngV52U&feature=related
2.) Bill Maher’s latest blog on the Huffington post is good. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-maher/new-rule-float-like-obama_b_284151.html
3.) So is Richard Clarke’s http://www.huffingtonpost.com/richard-a-clarke/more-troops-to-afghanista_b_283466.html
4.) And, not forget Paul Reickhoff http://www.huffingtonpost.com/paul-rieckhoff/eight-years-later-why-is_b_283037.html
5.) Do high school wood-shoppers in Wyoming have to make state clocks? I mean, they live in a friggin' square.

Obama’s Speech To The Children, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Realized The Atheists are Forgotten

2009-09-07T16:48:00.004-05:00

With the uproar of President Obama’s speech to the children of America, that being people fearing Mr. Black President is going to turn our kids into socialist-and our grand folk didn’t fight in World War II for that, I have obtained the speech from he White House. Once again, I was promised matters that were not delivered. I was promised socialism. There is no socialism. I was hoping for “Death Panels”. I can’t seem to find mention of those either. In my deepest fears I was afraid this dude was going to promote the White Sox. No mention of the White Sox. In fact the only thing that I find bothersome is the ending, in which Obama says, “God bless you, and God bless America”. Mr. President, you must be more sensitive to the atheists.

Here is the speech…

Prepared Remarks of President Barack Obama
Back to School Event

Arlington, Virginia
September 8, 2009

“The President: Hello everyone – how’s everybody doing today? I’m here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. And we’ve got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I’m glad you all could join us today.
I know that for many of you, today is the first day of school. And for those of you in kindergarten, or starting middle or high school, it’s your first day in a new school, so it’s understandable if you’re a little nervous. I imagine there are some seniors out there who are feeling pretty good right now, with just one more year to go. And no matter what grade you’re in, some of you are probably wishing it were still summer, and you could’ve stayed in bed just a little longer this morning.
I know that feeling. When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years, and my mother didn’t have the money to send me where all the American kids went to school. So she decided to teach me extra lessons herself, Monday through Friday – at 4:30 in the morning.
Now I wasn’t too happy about getting up that early. A lot of times, I’d fall asleep right there at the kitchen table. But whenever I’d complain, my mother would just give me one of those looks and say, "This is no picnic for me either, buster."
So I know some of you are still adjusting to being back at school. But I’m here today because I have something important to discuss with you. I’m here because I want to talk with you about your education and what’s expected of all of you in this new school year.
Now I’ve given a lot of speeches about education. And I’ve talked a lot about responsibility.
I’ve talked about your teachers’ responsibility for inspiring you, and pushing you to learn.
I’ve talked about your parents’ responsibility for making sure you stay on track, and get your homework done, and don’t spend every waking hour in front of the TV or with that Xbox.
I’ve talked a lot about your government’s responsibility for setting high standards, supporting teachers and principals, and turning around schools that aren’t working where students aren’t getting the opportunities they deserve.
But at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed.
And that’s what I want to focus on today: the responsibility each of you has for your education. I want to start with the responsibility you have to yourself.
Every single one of you has something you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. That’s the opportunity an education can provide.
Maybe you could be a good writer – maybe even good enough to write a book or articles in a newspaper – but you might not know it until you write a paper for your English class. Maybe you could be an innovator or an inventor – maybe even good enough to come up with the next iPhone or a new medicine or vaccine – but you might not know it until you do a project for your science class. Maybe you could be a mayor or a Senator or a Supreme Court Justice, but you might not know that until you join student government or the debate team.
And no matter what you want to do with your life – I guarantee that you’ll need an education to do it. You want to be a doctor, or a teacher, or a police officer? You want to be a nurse or an architect, a lawyer or a member of our military? You’re going to need a good education for every single one of those careers. You can’t drop out of school and just drop into a good job. You’ve got to work for it and train for it and learn for it.
And this isn’t just important for your own life and your own future. What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. What you’re learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future.
You’ll need the knowledge and problem-solving skills you learn in science and math to cure diseases like cancer and AIDS, and to develop new energy technologies and protect our environment. You’ll need the insights and critical thinking skills you gain in history and social studies to fight poverty and homelessness, crime and discrimination, and make our nation more fair and more free. You’ll need the creativity and ingenuity you develop in all your classes to build new companies that will create new jobs and boost our economy.
We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help solve our most difficult problems. If you don’t do that – if you quit on school – you’re not just quitting on yourself, you’re quitting on your country.
Now I know it’s not always easy to do well in school. I know a lot of you have challenges in your lives right now that can make it hard to focus on your schoolwork.
I get it. I know what that’s like. My father left my family when I was two years old, and I was raised by a single mother who struggled at times to pay the bills and wasn’t always able to give us things the other kids had. There were times when I missed having a father in my life. There were times when I was lonely and felt like I didn’t fit in.
So I wasn’t always as focused as I should have been. I did some things I’m not proud of, and got in more trouble than I should have. And my life could have easily taken a turn for the worse.
But I was fortunate. I got a lot of second chances and had the opportunity to go to college, and law school, and follow my dreams. My wife, our First Lady Michelle Obama, has a similar story. Neither of her parents had gone to college, and they didn’t have much. But they worked hard, and she worked hard, so that she could go to the best schools in this country.
Some of you might not have those advantages. Maybe you don’t have adults in your life who give you the support that you need. Maybe someone in your family has lost their job, and there’s not enough money to go around. Maybe you live in a neighborhood where you don’t feel safe, or have friends who are pressuring you to do things you know aren’t right.
But at the end of the day, the circumstances of your life – what you look like, where you come from, how much money you have, what you’ve got going on at home – that’s no excuse for neglecting your homework or having a bad attitude. That’s no excuse for talking back to your teacher, or cutting class, or dropping out of school. That’s no excuse for not trying.
Where you are right now doesn’t have to determine where you’ll end up. No one’s written your destiny for you. Here in America, you write your own destiny. You make your own future.
That’s what young people like you are doing every day, all across America.
Young people like Jazmin Perez, from Roma, Texas. Jazmin didn’t speak English when she first started school. Hardly anyone in her hometown went to college, and neither of her parents had gone either. But she worked hard, earned good grades, got a scholarship to Brown University, and is now in graduate school, studying public health, on her way to being Dr. Jazmin Perez.
I’m thinking about Andoni Schultz, from Los Altos, California, who’s fought brain cancer since he was three. He’s endured all sorts of treatments and surgeries, one of which affected his memory, so it took him much longer – hundreds of extra hours – to do his schoolwork. But he never fell behind, and he’s headed to college this fall.
And then there’s Shantell Steve, from my hometown of Chicago, Illinois. Even when bouncing from foster home to foster home in the toughest neighborhoods, she managed to get a job at a local health center; start a program to keep young people out of gangs; and she’s on track to graduate high school with honors and go on to college.
Jazmin, Andoni and Shantell aren’t any different from any of you. They faced challenges in their lives just like you do. But they refused to give up. They chose to take responsibility for their education and set goals for themselves. And I expect all of you to do the same.
That’s why today, I’m calling on each of you to set your own goals for your education – and to do everything you can to meet them. Your goal can be something as simple as doing all your homework, paying attention in class, or spending time each day reading a book. Maybe you’ll decide to get involved in an extracurricular activity, or volunteer in your community. Maybe you’ll decide to stand up for kids who are being teased or bullied because of who they are or how they look, because you believe, like I do, that all kids deserve a safe environment to study and learn. Maybe you’ll decide to take better care of yourself so you can be more ready to learn. And along those lines, I hope you’ll all wash your hands a lot, and stay home from school when you don’t feel well, so we can keep people from getting the flu this fall and winter.
Whatever you resolve to do, I want you to commit to it. I want you to really work at it.
I know that sometimes, you get the sense from TV that you can be rich and successful without any hard work -- that your ticket to success is through rapping or basketball or being a reality TV star, when chances are, you’re not going to be any of those things.
But the truth is, being successful is hard. You won’t love every subject you study. You won’t click with every teacher. Not every homework assignment will seem completely relevant to your life right this minute. And you won’t necessarily succeed at everything the first time you try.
That’s OK. Some of the most successful people in the world are the ones who’ve had the most failures. JK Rowling’s first Harry Potter book was rejected twelve times before it was finally published. Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, and he lost hundreds of games and missed thousands of shots during his career. But he once said, "I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
These people succeeded because they understand that you can’t let your failures define you – you have to let them teach you. You have to let them show you what to do differently next time. If you get in trouble, that doesn’t mean you’re a troublemaker, it means you need to try harder to behave. If you get a bad grade, that doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you need to spend more time studying.
No one’s born being good at things, you become good at things through hard work. You’re not a varsity athlete the first time you play a new sport. You don’t hit every note the first time you sing a song. You’ve got to practice. It’s the same with your schoolwork. You might have to do a math problem a few times before you get it right, or read something a few times before you understand it, or do a few drafts of a paper before it’s good enough to hand in.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new. So find an adult you trust – a parent, grandparent or teacher; a coach or counselor – and ask them to help you stay on track to meet your goals.
And even when you’re struggling, even when you’re discouraged, and you feel like other people have given up on you – don’t ever give up on yourself. Because when you give up on yourself, you give up on your country.
The story of America isn’t about people who quit when things got tough. It’s about people who kept going, who tried harder, who loved their country too much to do anything less than their best.
It’s the story of students who sat where you sit 250 years ago, and went on to wage a revolution and found this nation. Students who sat where you sit 75 years ago who overcame a Depression and won a world war; who fought for civil rights and put a man on the moon. Students who sat where you sit 20 years ago who founded Google, Twitter and Facebook and changed the way we communicate with each other.
So today, I want to ask you, what’s your contribution going to be? What problems are you going to solve? What discoveries will you make? What will a president who comes here in twenty or fifty or one hundred years say about what all of you did for this country?
Your families, your teachers, and I are doing everything we can to make sure you have the education you need to answer these questions. I’m working hard to fix up your classrooms and get you the books, equipment and computers you need to learn. But you’ve got to do your part too. So I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don’t let us down – don’t let your family or your country or yourself down. Make us all proud. I know you can do it.
Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.”

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
September 7th, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) As of this posting the websites of MSNBC, NPR, Google News, ABC, CBS, the New York Times, the LA Times, CNET, and the BBC have posted or commented on the above speech. Hm. Which “news” outlet is missing from this list?
2.) Shawn Merriman is on his way out of San Diego with the Tila Tequila “mishap”. Larry English will be his replacement.
3.) I read I Need My Monster to kids this weekend. It is fantastic and I pimp it with power. You can snag it here. http://www.amazon.com/Need-My-Monster-Amanda-Noll/dp/0979974623
4.) I’m more than surprised the Colts let Marcus Howard go.
5.) I saw Inglourious Basterds with Jeanne this weekend at Alamo Drafthouse. We had a blast and suggest the film with might. It looks to me like Tarantion has grown up.

Bourdain Explores The Five Boroughs, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Realized Deep Fat Fried Butter Is Awesome?

2009-09-04T19:01:00.003-05:00

This week Anthony Bourdan’s: No Reservations is s a heart breaker for myself. Bourdain leaves my old home, Manhattan, to explore the explore NYC’s five boroughs.

While in Queens, Tony enjoys traditional Chinese, Indian and Korean foods such as pigs feet, head-cheese, lamb noodles, fried pancakes, wriggling chopped octopus (the scene I sent you at the beginning of the season) and piles of steaming seafood.

When traveling to Staten Island, Tony meets up with the lead singer David Johansen of the former band, the New York Dolls. Most people my age know Johnansen as Buster Poindexter. Their first stop is New Asha, a Sri Lankan restaurant, where they enjoy the Sri Lankan specialty, black curry goat. They also take some time out to discuss the talk matters of rock and roll.

After Staten Island, Tony goes to, yes, my other old home, Brooklyn, and joins Chris Chung for a dim sum breakfast of duck feet, tripe, fried bread, pork meatballs and hargao in Sunset Park. I’m a firm believer that a civilization can only be judged by its dim sum. Afterwards, a Mexican lunch is next on his list and Bourdain meets up with Carlos, chef at Les Halles. At Los Hermanos, a tortilleria that both manufactures and serves tacos.

Bourdain then hits the heavily under rated Bronx, meeting Fat Dave, who runs a taxi tour of local restaurants, for a traditional meal of ribs, collard greens, rice and beans and oxtail at Sam’s, which is located next to the hated Yankee Stadium. This episode is Bourdain at his best. Anthony Bourdian: No Reservations, New York Outer Boroughs airs on Monday, September 7 at 9pm Texas time on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
September 3, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) The biggest problem with Obama health care? It will bang your girlfriend while you’re away at Bible camp.
2.) You can catch my “5 Questions” with F.O.T. Michael Krumenaker on culturebot.org http://culturebot.org/2009/09/02/five-questions-for-michael-krumenacker/
3.) One of the featured attractions at the Texas State Fair this fall is deep fat fried butter. Awesome? I can see many great things with this, but I still need it explained to me.
4.) I love Patton Oswalt’s bit called “I Hate…” You can catch it here. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xa872f_patton-oswalt-i-hate_fun
5.) To the man who shouted down the wheelchair bound lass with two major illnesses at a town hall meeting in New Jersey, then defended these actions by stating he didn’t see how a girl in a wheelchair has more rights then he does, I am officially declaring that you, sir, are a douche-waddle. I believe everyone in America should have health insurance. Except that guy. That douche-waddle.

Ten Questions For Bourdain, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Ted Kennedy

2009-08-28T19:19:00.001-05:00

This week is the “long-awaited” (as the Travel channel has told me) Burning Questions episode of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations. Based on the results of the Travel Channel’s online poll, Bourdain answers the ten viewer questions by using clips from past shows – even clips from Season 1. This includes the now notorious massage in Uzbekistan, troubles in Chile, and an explanation on expression of Bourdain’s face when he’s at the Dracula Castle on Halloween

In this episode Bourdain will address the critters that he has to consume, as well as his feelings towards his good friend, and one of my personal favorites of the show, Zamir. Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Burning Questions airs Monday, August 31 at 9pm Texas Time on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
August 28, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind)
1.) This was the first week of classes for me. This is the first interaction that sticks out my mind from the week that was.
Student: "Prof. Braun! You've never read Twilight?"
Me: "I gave up being an 18 year old girl for Lent, and just kept rollin' with it."
2.) This was the second.
Me: ”It’s been a long week. Students trying to petition into my overloaded classes, asking for letters of rec, advice on grad school. How was your week?”
My Office Mate: “My horse got hit by a bus.”
3.) With this, my faith in humanity has died.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/24/kfcs-double-down-sandwich_n_266848.html
4.) With the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, I have to ask why the city is still a mess. How could we let all those people die is one thing. Why we allow the city to still be in shambles in so many ‘hoods is another.
5.) Over the summer I was writing of Teddy. It may have been the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, but Chappaquiddick turned 40 as well. I put on my Philip K. Dick imagination hat and wondered what the world would have been like without Chappaquiddick. Would Kennedy have challenged and beaten Nixon in '72? Thus, no Watergate, no Ford, probably no Carter, then, possibly, no Reagan? And, without Reagan the neo-cons of the '90's have no idol.

Bourdain in Montana, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Barney Frank and ‘…the solace of empty spaces’

2009-08-23T13:41:00.002-05:00

At first glance, Montana would be one of the last places I’d send the boss. This week Anthony Bourdain visits Montana, and you can throw the food out the window. The boss spends most of his time with prospectors and roughnecks, like “Montanan Dan” (who sounds and acts like a character from one of my plays) at the Old Saloon in Livingston. Livingston has become notorious with my friends. It was once a laid-back town full of railroad workers and cowboys, but in recent years it has become inundated with artists, actors, and bohemian leftists.

A mainstay in Livingston is the Murray Hotel, a ‘hotel with a past’ as it has been billed to me, that’s seen Buffalo Bill and Calamity Jane as prior occupants. The bar in the Murray is where Bourdain meets Jim Harrison. Jim has a love of ‘the solace of empty spaces’. In Murray, Chef and owner Brian Menges, of the Second Street Bistro, prepares a dish of short ribs, beurre blanc, pork belly, potatoes, and rack of lamb arrive. A different episode for Bourdain, but one that is still advisable. When looking at Bourdain in the unassuming country, in his wide-open spaces, I began to relate and recall why I left New York City, and came to the Texas. Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Montana airs Monday, August 24 at 9pm Texas on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
August 23, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind…super sized for the start of the school year.)
NOTE: I start all of my classes with quotes. In honor of the school year here are some new quotes I will be presenting my students with this fall.
1.) “Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.” –Bill Hicks
2.) “Nothing is more real than nothing.” -Samuel Beckett
3.) “I don’t care what anybody says about me, as long as it isn’t true.” –Truman Capote
4.) “There is no such thing as reality. Only perception.” –Gustave Flaubert
5.) “Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot are fools, those who dare not, are slaves.” –Lord Byron
6.) “Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.” –Mark Twain
7.) “Math was always my bad subject. I couldn’t convince my teachers that many of my answers were meant ironically.” –Calvin Trillin
8.) “I want a one armed economist so that the guy could never make a statement and then say ‘On the other hand…’” –Harry Truman
9.) “In the beginning the Universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” –Douglas Adams

CODA
This week I tempted the idea of running for the U.S. House of Representatives in 2010, or 2012. This is a remarkably bad thought because 1.) I am an atheist, 2.) I believe that poverty is the greatest problem in the world, and that just isn’t sexy for a candidate, 3.) I’m a firm believer education needs to be retooled, and that isn’t sexy either, and 4.) most of my friends are gay, black, and/or drunk-which wouldn’t fly n Texas. Oh, yeah. I also hate guns and want them to go away. I have decided to put this thought to bed. Like Jim Harrison, I'm making the choice of sticking with “the solace of empty spaces” in Texas.

What started all of this, by the way, was Barney Frank’s full frontal assault on stupidity this week. A long time fan of Frank, the picture on this post one of my favorite pictures of him, I get the bad feeling that he is alone in the War On Idiocy, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, Frank could use some help. If you missed Barney’s actions, here is the link that gives you the whole deal.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/19/barney-frank-confronts-wo_n_262682.html

Bourdain In Thailand, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Started Loving The Death Panel

2009-08-16T10:42:00.000-05:00

Thailand includes influences from India, China, Cambodia, and the rest of Southeast Asia, and Thai cuisine blends five fundamental flavors: sweet, spicy, sour, bitter and salty. In This week’s episode of Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations, the boss explores the streets of Bangkok and immerses himself in the local street food, cultural practices, and people. He discovers delicious dishes, kind people, and beautiful scenery. Yet, no sooner does the crew arrive in Bangkok, do they find themselves in the center of a political upheaval. Amid the protests, violence, and uncertainty, Bourdain makes a point of discovering the elements that make Thailand one super cool country, and one I hope to visit some day.

Taking trains and boats to get from one destination to another, Bourdain and his gang encounter Thai fighting at it’s finest, and some local fighters enjoying a feast of massaman curry, Thai mackerel, and frog curry. That is correct. Frog curry, which sounds so good it makes me ask why I didn’t think of trying that before this episode came up. Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Thailand airs Monday, August 17 at 9pm Texas time on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
August 16th, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) Congrats to my cousin Greg, who is getting married today. I really wanted to come to the wedding and wish I could be there.
2.) I had a lovely Friday night eating steak tacos with a librarian, a punk rocker, an actress, and a two-year-old dude who couldn't keep his pants up.
3.) NFL fans keep in mind; week 13 Eagles @ Atlanta. Should be one nasty media circus
4.) 22 minutes into the new season of Hard Knocks and I thought it must be the best show on television.
5.) With regards to Sarah Palin’s lies this week…wouldn’t “Death Panel” be a great name for a Jason Statham film? Statham is wrongly accused of killing his wife and has to face the “Death Panel”, a wicked game show filled with super powered villains. Dudes, it could be a reboot of Running Man. Ryan Seacrest could play the Richard Dawson part. (This started as a joke, but I think I’m gonna call my agent about this. Get me a meeting with Michael Bay!)

Spreadable Salami, Deep-Fried Ham Crystals and Venison Heart Tartare, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Adam Schefter

2009-08-08T16:39:00.001-05:00

San Francisco is a city of districts and contradictions, each one with its own quirks and flavors. This week on Anthony Bourdain’s: No Reservations, the host makes sure to find the finest and oddest of San Francisco. His trip begins with a stop at Pirate Cat Radio, a vegan café / radio station, where tony chats with DJ Monkey and samples their famous bacon maple latte – a concoction created using real refined bacon, despite Pirate Cat’s vegan theme. That is right. Even vegans can’t resist bacon.

Bourdain then meets up with a dude named Oscar at Tadich Grill, San Francisco’s oldest restaurant, to eat the Hangtown Fry, a combination of oysters, eggs, and bacon, inspired by a man’s dying wish for a last meal. And, of course, Bourdain must hit a market and hits the Ferry Building Farmer’s Market, then takes a trip to Oakland for some delicious tacos, burritos and tamales, and crosses back over the bridge to indulge in Sushi and Sushi Sebo. One of the highlights of his S.F. adventure is the cubana torta, a massive, dripping combination of meats, avocado, cheese, jalapenos, tomato, mayo and fried egg. Another highlight is experience at Incanto, a renowned restaurant where he dines on fried brains, spreadable salami, deep-fried ham crystals and venison heart tartare. If you can’t appreciate this, you should really stop reading my blog. Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, San Francisco airs Monday, August 10 at pm C/T on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
August 7, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) I’m really getting into the meta-comics of Grant Morrison. I’ve ordered Sea Guy, and his first volume of Animal Man. Currently reading his Doom Patrol collections.
2.) 18% of Americans believe that the sun moves around the earth. I had no idea Sarah Palin was 18% of America.
3.) With the Hall of Fame Game, I welcome back football with all my heart.
4.) I love this idea of the “Obama Death Panel” Palin made up. I think we should make “Obama Death Panel” a new game show, hosted by Ryan Seacrest, and we can text each week on who gets to live and who gets to die. By the way, what idiot-girl is referring to is from HR3200 p. 425 “Advance Care Planning Consultation”, which has nothing to do with death panels.
5.) I would like to thank all my friends who congratulated me this week. I have a verbal agreement with a publishing house to print several of my plays (I still don’t want to write too much about, as nothing is signed and I don’t want to taunt karma). However, the most surprising congrats I got came from Adam Schefter of ESPN. I think Adam is one of the best guys in football. You can get his new book here
http://www.harpercollins.com/books/9780061696725/The_Class_of_Football/index.aspx

Street Food, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Realized Movits Will Invade America

2009-07-30T08:48:00.001-05:00

Generally, I loath clip shows, but this week on Anthony Bourdain’s: No Reservations, we receive a thread and common theme throughout all of Bourdain’s adventures – street food. Merchants always sell the best and most authentic food from carts, and trucks, and roadside stands. From local variations on the hot dog to unidentifiable fried meats, from sautéed insects to steaming bowls of noodles, street food is were my heart is.

Bourdain will eat everything from New York’s dirty water dogs (I used to live off those), to Mexico’s ‘wet tacos’ (lived on them too), to squeaky guts on a stick in Hong Kong (wouldn’t mind living on that jazz), and Namibia warthog (jury is out on whether I really wanna live on that). We revisit the Jamaican drum pan chicken. In Vietnam, Bourdain has bun cha, a succulent combination of roast pork and noodles, prepared on sidewalk grills. Vietnam has been one of my favorite episodes to date and this dish is one of the reasons why.

In Singapore’s hawker centers, Bourdain finds a variety of foods
such as the famed chicken rice, boiled shark head, and bone soup. Hong
Kong is home to dai pai dongs, large rooms similar to American food
courts where groups of friends can gather and enjoy a wide variety of
dishes. This might be a clip show, but it is one damn yummy clip show. Anthony Bourdain’s: No Reservations, Down on the Street airs Monday, August 3 at pm Texas time on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
July 30th 2009

Five Easy Pieces (another quintet of matters on my mind.)
1.) I found this article at Salon.com on Obama Myths to be very intriguing.
http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2009/06/08/obama_myths/index.html
2.) Welcome to America, Movits! I think you are going to be the next big thing, and deservedly so.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8fIVTH0TiM
3.) Glenn beck thinks Obama is a rac….WHO CARES WHAT GLENN BECK THINKS? Really, no one in their right mind is going to care what that dumb, drunk clown has to say.
4.) In 2001 - the state of Hawaii Health Department went paperless. Paper documents were discarded. The official record of Obama's birth is now an official ELECTRONIC record Janice Okubo, spokeswoman for the Health Department told the Honolulu Star Bulletin, "At that time, all information for births from 1908 (on) was put into electronic files for consistent reporting," she said.
5.) Congrats to Mohawk’s, one of my favorite joints in Austin. Mohawk’s has made the list of best bars in America.

Bourdain In The Rust Belt, or Taco vs. a Grilled Cheese Sandwich

2009-07-25T13:05:00.004-05:00

In the dreary winter, and with his old amigo Zamir along for the ride, Anthony Bourdain travels to America’s rust belt with stops in Baltimore, Detroit, and Buffalo this week. In Baltimore (the real home of my beloved Colts) he snags crab cakes and lake trout, trout being my personal all-time favorite fish. In Detroit, a laid-off steel worker takes the boys for a meal at Polonia, a legendary Polish restaurant. Then, Bourdain hits Cadieux Café for Feather bowling, the only known such place in all of the United States. For the first time on the show we meet Rashid, a man who was evacuated from Beirut on the same boat as Tony and the crew. They have a conversation over a typical Middle Eastern meal of hummus, falafel, and baba ganoush, but reinforce what a great episode the Beirut show was.

The final stop is Buffalo, where FANatic Nelson Starr and beef on ‘weck – the original Buffalo staple – get their dues. The runner-up of the Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations FANatic Contest, Starr takes Bourdain to Ulrich’s Tavern, the oldest tavern in the city, then to the most anticipated stop on the trip: Schwabl’s, home of the ‘beef on weck’ sandwich, a Buffalo institution and maybe a food that is more identified with the city then wings. I'm not the biggest fan of this area of the world, but Bourdain does shine a new and fresh light on what is usually a cold and dreary place. Next week Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations will be a special featuring street food. I love street food. Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Rust Belt airs Monday, July 27 at 9pm Texas time on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
July 25th 2009
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) I love that the F22 Raptor has been killed. For cryin’ out loud, the bird didn’t work in the rain!
2.) I aspire to be this man http://www.boingboing.net/2008/03/19/man-builds-giant-chi.html
3.) Henry Louis Gates must be the first to be arrested for being at home while black.
4.) Moon landing turns 40, but so does Chappaquiddick. This incident stopped Teddy Kennedy from running in 1972, and he would have killed Nixon. Imagine what the world would have been like if Teddy was the Prez in the 1970’s.
5.) During Obama's health care speech my mind wondered off (sort of like the questioning) and I thought about who would win in a fight between a taco and a cheese sandwich (jail yard rules), and thinks it all comes down to what kind of tortilla and what kind of bread our combatants have. A flour tortilla would give speed, but corn provides armor. And what of rye? Spongy, yet thick. You can't predict rye. In lieu of my taco vs. cheese sandwich question I have decided to start a culinary fight club (of course, by announcing this I broke the first two rules of fight club, but, hey. I am new at this.) I wonder who would win between a Rocky Mountain Oyster and a bowl of soup. Now, I'm supposed to be writing my new play, but now I'm just sitting around writing the rules to my culinary fight club. Rule #3? No condiments. Rule #4? No appetizer vs. entrées. It's just a different weight class. This is about food fighting, not food murder. And, while I am at it, if the taco in the picture on this post is the taco in the cheese sandwich fight, I think he wins fast and dirty.

Shouldn’t We Have A Mandatory Chinatown In Every Worldly City, or Give Pat Buchanan a Break.

2009-07-18T12:03:00.001-05:00

Welcome to Melbourne, a city built for speed, not distance. In Anthony Bourdain’s second episode back from a long vacation, Tony hits beauteous Melbourne. Known as Australia’s cultural capital, Melbourne has the second largest Asian population in Australia, which includes the largest Vietnamese, Indian and Sri Lankan communities in the country. You can smell the spices from here, can’t you? Bourdain meets up with British chef Paul Wilson, who gives Tony a tour of the historic Queen Victoria Market (a market I have always wanted to go to, known for being filled with various fish, and meats, and cheese).

Stealing a page from Dhani Jones, Anthony plays Melbourne’s favorite sport, trugo. Bourdain then hits Chinatown (really, shouldn’t we have a mandatory Chinatown in every worldly city?) sampling calamari, kingfish, and pigeon. Then, of course, Bourdain tackles the ‘barbi’ in which he feasts on shrimp, the highest quality wagyu beef and succulent lamb. Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Australia airs on Monday, July 20 at 9pm C on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
July 18, 2009
Austin, TX

Five Easy pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) R.I.P. Walter Cronkite.
2.) With Fantasy Football drafts approaching I can’t begin to write this enough; don’t draft Adrian Peterson. Detroit and Green Bay feature new and aggressive defenses that will be designed to hurt the young lad.
3.) I must admit I would like to see the new Harry Potter flick.
4.) I must admit I have never read a Harry Potter book.
5.) I really need to write this for myself, more than anything else. I was disappointed and disturbed that Pat Buchanan made the trending topics on twitter the other night, with several people calling for his firing from MSNBC. I don’t agree with Buchanan on much, and found his remarks about Sotomayor and affirmative action to be misguided and foolish, but they weren’t out of bounds. In my opinion, Buchanan is wrong, but he hasn’t earned people calling for his removal.

The Return of Anthony Bourdain, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying And Pimp My “Interview” on culturebot.org.

2009-07-10T16:33:00.001-05:00

Chile’s cuisine is notorious and reflects its topographical diversity. Primarily known for beef, pork, seafood, Chile is a carnivore’s delight. Hell, most of South America is a carnivore’s delight. Chile is also filled with gorgeous landscapes next to none on this side of the globe. It is only fitting that Anthony Bourdain comes to Chile to kick off the new season of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations.

During his trip, Bourdain visits Fuente Alemana, a restaurant serving German pints and Lomidos, a monstrous sandwich of pork, avocado, and mayonnaise. Bourdain’s obsession with pork (which I do love about him) continues when he dines at El Hoyo, a restaurant specializing in all forms of pork, pork skin, and extraneous pig bits. I could make a homer Simpson joke here, noting that pig are a magical animal designed to give and give and give, but self control is getting the best of me. With the latest basketball season at it’s end, and know we wait for football to start, it is nice to have Tony back to take away our summer blues. The premiere episode of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, Chile airs on Monday, July 13 at 9pm Texas time on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
July 10th, 2009
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) You can catch a five question interview with me for culturebot.org at this link
http://culturebot.org/2009/07/09/five-questions-for-timothy-braun/
2.) GM hopes to sell car via eBay. This is the dumbest economic model I have ever heard!
3.) I just saw the movie Ghost Town and really liked it. Smart and cute while maintaining maturity.
4.) I also saw Public Enemies and liked that very much. Johnny Depp is so charming.
5.) I think Rick Perlstein’s Newsweek article on the GOP is rather interesting. The party of Lincoln needs to get away from “gun-toting, churchgoing, working-class whites.”

How Well Do You Know Timmy?

2009-07-05T20:33:00.003-05:00

I’ve become rather enamored with facebook and all the clever little quizzes one can take on the social network. With the What President Are You? quiz, I was Millard Filmore, the “great compromiser.” With the Which Crazy Writer Are You? I was Thomas Pynchon. For the Which Billy Mays Product Are You? I was some kind hamburger-cooking thing. Fun.

The most popular of the facebook quizzes amongst my 416 friends is without question the How Well Do You Know Me? quiz, a test the user builds themselves about themselves. I found it all to be too self-indulgent for my tastes, but decided to go forth and have some fun with this quiz, which I have provided here for you.

I’m a writer. What is my favorite word?
a. Existentialism.
b. Guppy.
c. Chrysanthemum.
d. Oligarchy.

One of these things is not like the other. I hate all of these, but which one can I tolerate?
a. White kids with dreadlocks.
b. Tardiness
c. Rattlesnakes
d. People who ride bikes on sidewalks.

What is the name of the sexual position I invented?
a. The frisky beaver.
b. The naughty leprechaun.
c. The can opener.
d. Dr. Fitzgerald’s magic hat.

I consider the Indianapolis Colts to be the second greatest football team of all time. Which is the first?
a. Dallas Cowboys
b. Chicago Bears
c. Baltimore Colts
d. Wait. Was that last question about sexual positions you “invented”?

Let’s go back to things I hate. I hate the term “Speaking truth to power.” Why?
a. Because there is no such thing as truth
b. Because truth is subjective.
c. Because power already knows the truth and is manipulating it to power’s advantage.
d. I’ve never even heard of “Dr. Fitzgerald’s magic hat”. Does it involve a bucket?

I watch Fox News for 10 minutes each day. Why?
a. Because I need 10 minutes of happiness each day.
b. Because I love Gerald Rivera.
c. Because I need to understand my enemy to fight him
d. I’m still stuck on this sexual position question. You know, Mr. Braun, there are kids on this facebook thing. By the way, isn’t “the O’Reilly Factor” a sexual position?

I’m an atheist. However, I do credit the teachings of this person as a major influence on my personal ideology.
a. St. Finian of Clonard
b. St. Pamphilus
c. St. Francis of Assisi
d. I’ve disappointed in you, Timmy. I mean, did you “invent” the position, or do you just have one you really like or something?

My blog is called “federal prisoner 30664”. Why?
a. This is was my serial number at Cook County.
b. This was Johnny Cash’s serial number at Fulton County.
c. This was O. Henry’s serial number at the Ohio Penitentiary.
d. You “invented” that sexual position is prison, didn’t you Timberly?

Earlier I had some questions about hate. Let’s go to love. I like all of these things, but I love which one?
a. Cheese.
b. Football.
c. My dog, Dusty-Danger.
d. For a man who claims he “invents” sexual position, I really don’t want to answer a question regarding what you “love”, can you dig?

At what point during this quiz did you figure out the answer to each question is “C”?
a. Just now.
b. Some place around that sophomoric sexual position question.
c. From the very start. You are my friend. I know you. You like to be silly.
d. So, it’s “The can opener”!

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
July 5th, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) R.I.P. Billy Mays.
2.) R.I.P. Steve McNair.
3.) I can't wait for football to be back.
4.) I think The Lakers will regret the Ron Artest signing.
5.) 106 today in Austin. Sick.

Five Questions with Kambui Olujimi, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Come Home To Austin

2009-07-03T19:40:00.002-05:00

This week my five questions interview with artist Kambui Olujimi hits culturebot.org. This is one of the more interesting interviews I have conducted in long while, with detailed notes on art and the influence of art on Olujimi. He’s a fantastic artist and we did the interview on my last day at the Santa Fe Art Institute under a nest of newborn humming birds. Really. We did. You can catch the interview here.

http://culturebot.org/2009/07/01/five-questions-for-kambui-olujimi/

Next week, federal prisoner 30664 welcomes back The Travel Channel, like a drunken college friend on the sofa. The return of Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservation will be taking up most of this blog, along with more links to culturebot, Luupe, and my football comments for the Austin Chronicle.

Timothy Braun
July 3rd, 2009
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) First thing is first, and most importantly, happy 40th birthday to F.O.T. Chip Persons.
2.) What I think is getting lost in all the Sarah Palin jazz is that she will be stinkin’ rich. As a state stooge, she can’t make and take much money. As a private citizen, Palin can charge $100,000 an appearance, have a talk show on Fox, and stay in the footlights. Is her political life over? Yes, but her brand just expanded.
3.) I’ve been writing a lot about Michael Jackson (but not blogging) and I’m still knocked out by the nimbleness of his voice the way I was in 1983.
4.) Finally saw F.O.T. Rick Gifford in Don’t Mess With the Zohan. Gifford was good, in an otherwise bad film, but Dave Matthews stole the show as a racist, bomb carrying, puppy-killing redneck. Maybe I should buy his new album just for that.
5.) I’m back in Austin and would like to thank the Santa Fe Art Institute for a good month. I wrote three plays, half a novel, a grant, three interviews, and essay, a short story, and made several new friends including Kambui Olujimi. SFAI has offered me another fellowship for next summer. I have gladly taken this.

Patrick Rosal Was In The Cub Scouts, Why Twitter Is Good People, Obama Smacks A Fly, And Other Matters From The Santa Fe Art Institute

2009-06-18T10:20:00.001-05:00

This week on culturbot.org I’m presenting “Five Questions” with friend and poet, professor and recent Fulbright fellow Patrick Rosal. This is one you don’t want to miss and you can catch the interview here.
http://culturebot.org/2009/06/18/five-questions-for-patrick-rosal/

Elsewhere in this fine world of ours, Twitter, the mega-social network, did something rather cool. They rescheduled maintenance to give Iranian protesters more time to use Twitter to organize and communicate during peek Iranian hours. In the process Twitter cut into quality twitting (or twatting, if you will) time in the western hemisphere, the core of the twitting universe. Not just a brave move on the behalf of Twitter, an important move that shows they understand the responsibility of this mighty beast they have created.

One last thing before I hit the showers and prepare for my reading tonight at the Santa Fe Art Institute. Did you see the Obama interview in which he took the fly down? Let’s see Gordon Brown do that!

Timothy Braun
Santa Fe, NM
June 18th, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) The feud between Sarah Palin and David Lettermen is stupid. Lettermen didn’t make a joke about rape and I find it upsetting how Palin and the media twisted all this garbage into what they wanted. Lettermen didn’t need to apologies, but his “Top Ten” list on what is being overheard at the fire Lettermen protests was priceless and emphasized what a joke the protesters are.
2.) I very much want to see the new Jim Jarmusch flick.
3.) I saw Brent Green’s new instillation at SITE Santa Fe and found it trite, immature, and derivative. And, I can’t wait to see it again.
4.) I’m hoping the Denver Broncos will sign me just so I can demand a trade.
5.) I’ve sent an email to President Obama asking he not recognize the Iranian election. If you would like to do the same, this is the link you need
http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact/

Jonathan Wei Can’t Surf, and Other Haunting Matters

2009-06-09T11:16:00.001-05:00

This week on culturbot.org I’m presenting “5 Questions” with good friend, and all around cool dude, Jonathan Wei of the The Telling Project. I would write more, but I’m running out of my studio here at the Santa Fe Art Institute to attend a workshop and lecture by Laurie Anderson. You’ll just have to read the interview. Wei is doing some of the most interesting and important work I have come across in American theater. Yet, as he admits in this interview, he can’t surf. I usually consider a person’s worth by their surfing ability, but I will just let this one slide because Wei is that cool. You can catch the questions at this link.

http://culturebot.org/2009/06/07/five-questions-for-jonathan-wei/

Timothy Braun
Santa Fe, NM
June 9th, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) I’ve been catching the hypocrisy of Fox News on the web while at the institute. It is more bothering than Wei’s lack of surfing knowledge.
2.) I love what Stephen Colbert is doing in Iraq.
3.) I hate the Lakers. I hate the Lakers I hate the Lakers. Please, don’t let this NBA Championship series be a sweep.
4.) David Lynch’s Interview Project amazes me.
5.) Saw Laurie Anderson’s new show last night. Haunting. Now, I gotta hit that workshop.

My Conversation With Walter Kirn, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Packed My Bags For SFAI

2009-05-29T16:51:00.003-05:00

This week I return to blogging with a short and fun interview with facebook-friend and writer Walter Kirn on culturebot.org. Kirn’s memoir, Lost In The Meritocracy, is making serious noise. Best know for his novel Thumbsucker, I have found this memoir to be outstanding and among his best work. You can catch the culturebot.org interview at this link, with separate links to Walter’s books, his New York Times podcast, and his most recent interview on The Colbert Report.

http://culturebot.org/2009/05/28/five_questions_walter_kirn/

Next week I head to the Santa Fe Art Institute to work on at least two new plays, my novel, and a few short pieces I’ve been meaning to knock out. This blog will continue during my stay, but will take a back seat to those other works.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
May 29th, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) I’m happy Rush Limbaugh is keepin’ his Sotomayor comments class-e. Every time he talks it’s like watching a drunken child play with scissors.
2.) “Family Values is like pornography. You only know what it is when you see it.” I wrote this line this morning, but I can’t use it in a story so I’m posting it here.
3.) In research for one of my new plays I’ve been listening to a great deal of George Harrison. By far my favorite Beatle.
4.) Rumors I hear from the Chicago Bear mini-camp; Jay Cutler throws too hard.
5.) Looking forward to Up this weekend. Pixar simply does the best work on the big screen.

Bone Marrow, Jellyfish, and The Season Finale of “Dhani Jones…”, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Came Home To New York City

2009-05-17T10:52:00.000-05:00

I’m back in New York City this week, working with AndHow! Theater Company on my latest play The Coney Island Mermaid Parade, or My View from The Gershwin Hotel, seeing old friends, going to meeting after meeting, after meeting, after meeting (you get the point), eating bone marrow at Gabriel Hamilton’s Prune, and having dim sum under the Manhattan bridge. I think Faulkner would’ve been proud of that last sentence. My personal favorite of the dim sum choices is the pickled jellyfish on cabbage, the scallion dumplings, and turnip cakes. I have a deep personal belief that the Chinese have mastered and perfected the turnip; much in the way the French have tamed the mighty snail.

As my trip comes to an end, and I head back home to Austin on Monday, this seasons Dhani Tackles the Globe comes to an end as well. For the season finale, Jones attempts Sambo fighting in Russia. Sambo "art of self-defense without weapons" in the country of the bear and it proves to be a complex and textured sport. To prepare for his fight, Dhani endures grueling outdoor training, takes ballet lessons and visits a Russian military base. Mr. Jones takes a break from training to visit a traditional Russian Banya where he sweats in the sauna, gets flogged with Venik (a bunch of leafy branches) and cools off in the plunge pool. As always, this must be better than playing for the Cincinnati Bengals. The season finale of Dhani Tackles the Globe is coming up this Monday at 8 PM C on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Brooklyn, NY
May 17, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) This won’t be the last we see of Dhani Jones this year. HBO has announced they will be following the Bengals this summer for their award winning series Hard Knocks.
2.) I’m writing this from the living room of Chris Brown and Lisa Chan. Chris is working on a comic book contest in which he has been assigned to turn The Mighty Thor into a Transformer, and slaving away on a light plot for a new play. Lisa is in Flushing, Queens for dragon boat practice. It’s cold and rainy and I’m having a turkey sandwich with an iced coffee.
3.) I placed my eyes on the new HERE Arts Center two days ago and almost had the wind knocked out of me. It looks like the starship Enterprise.
4.) I want to make an open apology to my friend Patrick Rosal. I missed his poetry reading on Friday at the D-lounge in Union Square.
5.) I will be in rehearsal during the Rockets/Lakers game today. I need to start doing plays in July, that being at the end of basketball season and the beginning of football season. Game 7. Ugh.

Dhani Jones Talks to Dolphins, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Enjoy Travel Channel Swag

2009-05-11T08:52:00.002-05:00

As my semester has now come to an end my brain has turned to macaroni. Teaching six classes the past two semesters has been a little too much for my tender sanity. Now, I turn my focus towards writing and facing the realization that Dhani Jones has much more fun than I do. This Monday Dhani visits Auckland, New Zealand, on a quest to conquer the sea as the next great kiwi sailor. In this “City of Sails,” he has just one week to work his way on to an America’s Cup yacht and then take the ultimate test in an actual Team New Zealand tryout.

Out of the water, Dhani takes a leap off the Auckland bridge with a bungee rope, goes heli-fishing (which is really something) and dives into the ocean on a to hang with dolphins. “I feel like a dolphins whisperer”, says Mr. Jones. It must be better than playing linebacker for the Cincinnati Bengals. Tune in to the Travel Channel on Monday night at 8 PM C for the premiere.

Timothy Braun
May 11, 2009
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) I want to thank Ben Castelli for the Travel Channel swag, and these Dhani Jones updates. I’ve been stealing lines from these past few weeks whilst grading papers and final projects, and Ben has been a great help in keeping this blog alive and kickin’.
2.) You know what else is alive and kickin’? Star Trek. Timmy gives the new movie a big thumbs up.
3.) Obama's White House Correspondents Dinner speech was fantastic.
4.) I’m happy to see the Houston Rockets continue to play valiant basketball. One more basketball note while I am here; Mark Cuban ripped Kenyon Martin to his mother. Dude, you can NEVER bring a mother into trash talk.
5.) I’m headed back to New York City on Thursday. It’ll be my first trip back in a year.

Dhani Jones Kicks His Way Across The Kingdom of Cambodia

2009-05-03T16:35:00.000-05:00

At some point in time I figured Dhani Jones was going to repeat himself in some fashion or another, and this week he goes crawling back into the ring to learn the olden martial art of Pradal Serey (Southeast Asian kickboxing) in the Kingdom of Cambodia. In a small, dark gym with a trainer who pushes him to the limits, Dhani trains for his first pradal serey fight. But, what makes this episode so nifty is that my man Jones eats fried tarantulas, meets contortionists, and feeds snakes in Phnom Penh, which all sounds like an unusual and unexpected experience, but it must be better than playing for the Cincinnati Bengals. Tune into the Travel Channel on Monday night at 8 PM C for Dhani Jones Tackles The Globe.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
May 3rd, 2009

Five Easy pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) I think Judge Souter held out on retiring a full eight years, if you catch my drift.
2.) Although he was on a different political side as myself, I always admired Jack Kemp.
3.) I think Richard Engels new book on his five years in Iraq is totally fascinating.
4.) I hope Fox doesn’t can Dollhouse. The show has dramatic potential oozing from every moment.
5.) Went to the Pecan Street Festival this weekend, and was tempted to snag a little deep fat fried alligator on a stick, but knew very well that what I ate my dog would eat as well, and Dusty-Danger is on a diet.

The Good Reverend, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Learned “Unattached Children Will Be Sold As Slaves.”

2009-04-28T18:34:00.002-05:00

For portions of the summer, landing in the spaces between my posts for the Travel Channel and other organizations, I will be placing scraps of stories I’ve tinkered with over the years. These stories will usually be experimental and with rough endings, not ready for publication with other venues. “Unattached Children…” will be the first.

Seven herbs and spices. That’s what I scattered over Colonel Sanders’ Grave at Cave Hill Cemetery in Louisville, Kentucky. I was looking for a way to celebrate the completion of a new play I wrote during a writer’s fellowship across the Ohio River in Indiana. That, and I was preparing myself to meet with The Good Reverend in Memphis. It’d been two years since I last saw him, and I was going to need a good story in case he lost his cool. The last time I saw The Good Reverend he got drunk and threatened to kill me.
I don’t go back to the Midwest much. I skipped my high school reunion and have since blown-off weddings and funerals. When I did come back to visit family in Bloomington, Indiana, two years ago, I argued with an employee at the deli of a Marsh Supermarket.
“You want ice in your coffee?”
“No. I want iced coffee. It’s common and delicious.”
“Mister,” she said with bother. “I don’t know where you come from, but we don’t do that here.”
Although I was born in Indiana, and grew up in Indiana, I’m not “from” Indiana. I’ve lived in New York, New Mexico, Europe, and now I’m “from” Austin, where the coffee is strong and freezing. If it weren’t for my fellowship, which sponsored the writing of my latest play and a few food and sports essays, I would have gone to Tokyo for the summer and written about raw fish.
A week before I left Texas, I got a phone call at 1:30 in the morning. I didn’t answer. I didn’t need to. I knew who it was. The Good Reverend left a slurred message: “I’ve got an idea for a play, and I want you to write it for me, Timmy.” I could hear the racket of a fierce pub behind him.
Before I got to my fellowship on the Ohio River, I went to Indianapolis to see an old friend, Wesley, his wife, Angela, and their three-legged dog. We joked they were buying the dog on layaway. I was the best man in their wedding more than twelve years ago, as The Good Reverend was to be my best man, if I ever make it to the alter. Wesley works at a computer hut on the “rich” side of Indianapolis, teaching housewives how to email. Angela does something for the DNR, something with lakes and water and fish. They own a historic house known for hosting John Dillinger in his murdering days. We hit a pizza joint that featured the “Slaughter House Five”, a pie smothered in a rainbow of meats and cheeses. This was hours after a twister demolished a near by neighborhood, uprooting trees, and flattening rose bushes. I couldn’t help but think, this all might make for a fine story if I needed to calm The Good Reverend.

The next morning I went an hour south to Bloomington, where I grew up, to see my grandparents. The only people I prepare for more than The Good Reverend are my grandparents. And, I made iced coffee before I left. Knowing I write essays on food, my family wanted to treat me for lunch at a fancy restaurant: Red Lobster. Although considered a high-end chain, Red Lobster is also considered awful. Hoosiers my grandfather’s age marvel that a seafood shack can be in the middle of a cornfield. I ordered French fries and a side of shrimp. I requested mayonnaise for my fries. The kindly waitress brought two ketchup-like packets of Hellmann’s. At least I didn’t ask for iced coffee.

After lunch, we sat and I told stories. My grandmother laughed but my grandfather struggled. He asked when I was going to get a full-time “job.” Explaining what I do to a farmer is like describing the moon to a blind boy. He wanted to understand, but got frustrated. I told him travel stories, like the time I learned to fly a plane, or the time I ate alligator, or the time I wrote about a rodeo. My grandfather had written before, but not the way I do. He did his best to understand, but still wanted to know when I was going to get a “job.” When I was done telling stories, my grandfather showed me his buck knife, the first possession he bought with his own money during the Great Depression. I’ve never seen the knife before, and he wanted me to hold it. This is to be my knife when he dies. My grandfather choked a little when I wrapped my fingers around the handle. He needs an air tank to breath. He asked me what church I go to in Austin. I have never been able to tell my grandfather I’m an atheist. No matter what happened, I wouldn’t tell any of this to The Good Reverend. Some of my stories are just for me.

I went to my fellowship, wrote my play, an essay on pizza, and another about women. On my drive, I saw signs at the road that read, “We Now Have Iced Coffee.” I stopped at a Starbucks on I-65 next to Taco Bell I used to eat at. If Indiana loves it’s Red Lobster, I wonder what it thinks of Starbucks? When my script was finished, and the spices scattered, I had dinner with Brother Bob Baxter, the Franciscan Friar who ran the fellowship. Brother Bob is “from” Long Island, and when asked what the name of my new play is, I told him “The Coney Island Mermaid Parade, or My View Room The Gershwin Hotel. It’s about how things change for a young writer. Sort of.” Brother Bob laughed, and tried to understand what I do for a living. He didn’t, but he tried. Then, I received a message from the Good Reverend. “Meet me in Memphis at Buttermakers.” Buttermaker’s is an unlisted bar, known only by a MySpace profile, named after the coach in The Bad News Bears. I’m to leave at 5:00 in the morning. At 3:00am I get another message “Meet me in Nashville instead.” He must have been drinking.

The Good Reverend is a chain smoking, hard drinking actor, with matinee idol looks that never seem to fade. He’s never held a real job, has no understanding as to why one would, and snagged his divinity degree from the back of a pornographic magazine. He’s the type of character Bruce Springsteen sings about in slow songs. He is my former roommate, my best friend, and the central character in most of my plays. He doesn’t try to understand what I do for a living, he just does. He changed locations at the last minute because he got loaded on Nashville’s “Broadway” and knew he wouldn’t wake in time to meet me in Memphis.

I got to Nashville as the sun came up. I was an hour early. I am always an hour early. He was an hour late. This was nothing new. We hit a celebrated pancake hut on 21st Ave. I had eggs. He had something. I had a present for him, a glass flask of “fighting cock” barbeque sauce, but he didn’t notice. As we entered the pancake house, I saw a sign above the cash register that read “Unattached Children Will Be Sold As Slaves.”

We were cordial, yet quiet during breakfast. He had two other actors with him from Atlanta. They were doing research for this play idea they had, the one they called me about in the middle of the night. After breakfast, we made our way to Memphis and had dinner at the Rendezvous, a barbeque joint I was to write about, then to a baseball game, then to “Buttermakers”. The unlisted bar was not a bar at all it’s just a lawyer’s garage with a flat screen TV, foosball table, and a jukebox with old rockabilly. Across the night, the three boys drank and told me what they wanted; an adaptation of “Three Sisters” but with “Three Brothers”, and it had to take place in the American South, and it had to take place in the 50’s, and they wanted Memphis to be a towering theme, like Moscow in Chekhov’s classic. I asked why don’t they write this play themselves? I didn’t like the tone of the conversation. I’m a playwright, not a stenographer. But, I didn’t want to hurt their feelings either.

“I’ll write a few sample scenes, but I won’t give a commitment”, I compromised.
This was unacceptable to The Good Reverend. He got angry, then calm, then offered me a drink, but I wasn’t thirsty. He has never come to terms with my sobriety. I tried changing the subject, telling him about the three-legged dog, then the seven herbs and spices. He wanted to talk about his play. “I know you, Timmy. It will be a great story.” I reiterated, a few sample scenes, but no commitment, not the kind he was asking, where he wanted me tell his story. The Good Reverend became belligerent and threatening. His eyes turned to steal as he puffed on his smokes. “Yes, or no, Timmy? We have other writers…” he barked. I stood my ground. He rose to his feet, looked me in the face, called me an asshole, and stormed off. He was wrong to talk at me that way. I was right.

A moment passed. The Good Reverend came back, sulking, like an unattached child, a slave to his own sadness. “I’m sorry” he whispered, “You know I love you, Timmy.”
“I know, Tom.” I don’t call him Tommy anymore.
I’ve known The Good Reverend since we were twenty-four. I’ve changed. He hasn’t. I told him about my Colonel Sander’s stunt once again, looking for laughter, looking to cool him off some more. “Eleven spices, Timmy. Not seven”, he said. I was wrong. He was right.

By five o’clock, the boys had passed out and I found The Good Reverend on the floor with a Mexican blanket over his head. I whispered in his ear, “I’ll write your play for you.”

I drove home as the sun came up in my rear view mirror. I drove across the Mississippi River, onto Little Rock where I stopped for iced coffee, then on to Arkadelphia, Texarkana, Fate, Waco, and finally Austin. Perhaps someday I will make a play out of that night. I’ll call it “Unattached Children Will Be Sold Into Slavery.” But, in that story, I will scatter eleven herbs and spices on the Colonel’s grave. The Good Reverend would want it that way.

Timothy Braun
April 28th, 2009
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) Swine flu? It is just RNA wrapped in protein, people.
2.) Sen. Arlen Specter switching from the Republican to the Democratic Party should be a wake-up call for the elephants.
3.) I can’t wait for the new Star Trek film.
4.) Following Peter King on twitter is addictive. By the way, you can follow me at tab42.
5.) After the NFL Draft I like the moves of Indy, N.E., Philly, NY Giants, and the Bills the most. But what was Denver, Oakland, and T.B. thinking?

My Mock Draft, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Realized Dhani Jones Can Do It, Baby.

2009-04-24T20:39:00.001-05:00

I have no time to write a real blog on Dhani Jones this week, as it is the end of the semester, I’m grading hundreds of papers, and the NFL Draft is tomorrow. Thus, I’m cheating by posting the message I got from my boys at the Travel Channel. In all the chaos that is this week, Five Easy Pieces has been replaced by my mock draft.

From Ben Castelli of the Travel Channel “…NFL linebacker Dhani Jones is testing his skills at a very different type of sport this week, one who's main objective is saving lives. This Monday, Dhani heads to Australia for surf life saving training and competition. Tune into the Travel Channel at 9 PM E/P for the episode premiere.

It takes more than just a Speedo to become an Australian Surf Lifesaving champion. In and out of the ocean, Dhani must prove his strength, endurance, agility and love of the surf to the Aussie locals and lifeguards. When he's not training, Dhani swims with sharks, learns how to shuck oysters at the worlds second largest fish market and of course enjoys a couple of beers at the oldest pub in Sydney.”

Hey, it’s gotta better than playing ball for the Bengals.

Timothy Braun
April 24th, 2009
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces…um…32, really. My Draft Ideas For Round One.
1. Detroit, Matthew Stafford, QB, Georgia
2. St. Louis, Jason Smith, OT, Baylor
3. Kansas City, Tyson Jackson, DE, LSU
4. Seattle, Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech
5. Cleveland, Aaron Curry, LB, Wake Forest
6. Cincinnati, Andre Smith, OT, Alabama
7. Oakland, Jeremy Maclin, WR, Missouri
8. Jacksonville, B.J. Raji, DT, Boston College*
9. Green Bay, Evertte Brown, DE/LB, Florida State
10. San Francisco, Aaron Maybin, LB, Penn State
11. Buffalo, Brandon Pettigrew, TE, Oklahoma State*
12. Denver, Brian Orakpo, DE, Texas
13. Washington, Mark Sanchez, QB, Southern California*
14. New Orleans, Chris Wells, RB, Ohio State
15. Houston, Brian Cushing, LB, Southern California
16. San Diego, Eugene Monroe, OT, Virginia
17. New York Jets, Conner Barwin, DE/LB/TE, Cincinnati
18. Denver (from Chicago), Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia
19. Tampa Bay, Malcolm Jenkins, CB, Ohio State
20. Detroit (from Dallas), Larry English, DE/LB, N. Illinois
21. Philadelphia, Michael Oher, OT, Mississippi
22. Minnesota, Alex Mack, C/G, California
23. New England, Clay Matthews, LB, Southern California*
24. Atlanta, Rey Maualuga, LB, Southern California
25. Miami, Peria Jerry, DT, Mississppii
26. Baltimore, Percy Harvin, WR, Florida
27. Indianapolis, Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR, Maryland
28. Buffalo (from Philadelphia via Carolina) Robert Ayers, DE, Tennessee
29. New York Giants, Brandon Tate, WR, North Carolina *
30. Tennessee, Max Unger, C, Oregon
31. Arizona, LeSeon McCoy, RB, Pittsburgh
32. Pittsburgh, Vontae Davis, CB, Illinois
* Denotes an expected trade. If no trade occurs I have indicated whom the team will select.

Tea Baggers, The NFL Draft, and Hurling, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying About Dhani Jones and Start Loving How He Tackles The Globe

2009-04-17T20:02:00.003-05:00

This Monday Ireland's hurling team invites Dhani Jones to participate in the fast, bloody, and brutal stick and ball game know as hurling. Although Jones has traveled to countries I know firsthand, I know Ireland the best, and I have…um…hurled in Ireland. Off the field, Dhani seeks out a true Irish experience with sheep-shearing, drinking loads of Guinness and visiting Dublin's infamous Temple Bar district, the neighborhood noted as the backdrop to James Joyce’s Ulysses, and several hurl-inducing drinking binges of my own. For my New York readers, Temple Bar is like the East Village, Seattle folk it’s Capital Hill, and Austin-ites it’s South Congress. For my readers in Indiana, Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, and Florida Temple Bar is like New Year’s eve without the happiness holding it back.

Not to give away too much, but I think this will be the best episode so far of Dhani Jones Tackles The Globe. It appears if Jones is slowly becoming a charismatic host we can all cheer for. And, as always this must be better than playing for the Cincinnati Bengals. The episode premieres at 8 PM C on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
April 17th, 2009
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) Glenn Beck’s embodiment of Thomas Paine is like the KKK adopting Abraham Lincoln. These two have complete contradictions in almost every aspect. But, I must ask, when Beck dies can we dig up his bones and lose ‘em just like William Cobbett did to Paine? Please?
2.) I’m mad at Obama. He shouldn’t allow the torture issue to just pass. This must be investigated and people need to be held accountable for what they have done. Otherwise we send the message that accountability has no means in this country.
3.) If it wasn’t for John Oliver’s coverage of these tea baggers and their hollow protest I would hurt myself.
4.) Writing of this sad protest, Sean Hannity of Fox News called for violence against the government and revolution during the tea bagging. I don’t mean to be a dick about this, but inciting a riot is against the law. We can't say "bomb" in airport, we can't yell fire in a theater, and we can't do what Hannity just tried.
5.) As much as I find these tea bag folk to be dumb clowns, I still can’t stand Janeane Garofalo calling these twits “racist.” They aren’t racist. They are sheep.

Now, a few notes on the upcoming NFL Draft…

1. This is by far the worst year for the top 10 that I've seen. Down around 18, 20, you'll get every bit the player you'll get in the top 10 for a third of the price. I question if many “stars” will come out of this draft, but several role players can be had. Watch teams select players who fit into their schemes more than on natural talent.

2. My gut feeling is Detroit's taking Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford with the first pick of the draft. Mind you, this isn’t something I would suggest. I would like to see the Lions build something of a team before they bring in a young quarterback. When the Colts drafted Peyton Manning to be the savior of a then sad franchise he had Marvin Harrison, Marshall Faulk, and left tackle Tarik Glenn to help him. A quarterback can’t do it alone.

3. Writing of Manning, Alabama tackle Andre Smith is the next Ryan Leaf. Smith has buckets of talent, but lacks discipline and walked out of the combine. At one point last fall, Smith was thought to be a candidate for the first pick. In a few short months he’s developed a Jekyll and Hyde persona that may not mesh with a multi-million dollar contract.

4. My favorite players in the draft all come from the mighty Mid American Conference. Keep your eyes peeled for defensive end Larry English of Northern Illinois, quarterback Nate Davis of Ball State, and the smallish safety Louis Delmas of Western Michigan.

5. Houston: All indications are that the Texans are expecting to address linebacker with the 15th pick in the draft. Ideally, they'd have their choice of the two USC guys projected to be selected around the middle of the first round -- Brian Cushing and Clay Matthews Jr. Matthews may be viewed as having a bit more upside as he has not reached his peak. And the Texans have inside information on him, as his uncle, Bruce Mathews, is now a part of Gary Kubiak's staff. At 6-foot-3, 240 pounds, Matthews would give the Texans something nice

6. You wanna make five bucks? Watch the draft and right before Indy picks, as everyone on the planet is barking about how the Colts need a defensive tackle, turn to the person next to you and make a bet the Colts will take a wide out. Because they will and the Colts will take North Carolina’s Hakeem Nicks if he is still available.

7. Keep your eye on the Pats. This draft will be controlled by the second and guess who has the most second round selections? Yup. The Patriots have three.

"The Game of Dodging Death", or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Start Loving Spain

2009-04-10T19:31:00.000-05:00

I’ve had a dozen people tell me Spain is my kind of place. The ham is easily the best on earth, the wine is rather good, I’ve heard if you really want to eat brains you need to go to Madrid, and Spain has always been at the front of the line when it comes to molecular gastronomy. Now, I have a new reason to visit Spain.

This week on Dhani Tackles the Globe, the Cincinnati Bengal heads to Northern Spain and is introduced to the 400-year-old obsession of the area, jai alai, a sport dubbed "the game of dodging death" and "ballet with bullets." This court game features a rock-hard ball ricocheting at nearly 200 miles per hour, fast enough to shatter bulletproof glass. Off the court the increasingly charming Jones visits the splendid beaches of Spain, samples the food and gulps the wine of the Basque country. As always, it has to be better than playing for The Bengals. The episode premieres Monday night at 8 PM C on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
April 10, 2009
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) I think with the premiere of Parks and Recreation, I can honestly say I’m getting tired of this documentary style of comedy with clueless fools at the center.
2.) Working on my NFL Draft ideas and I am beginning to think this will be one of the craziest drafts I have ever witnessed.
3.) Working hard on too many essays and plays and need to take a break soon. Maybe take the summer off after I go to Santa Fe for the month of June.
4.) It’s almost Easter and I still can’t figure how bunnies started laying eggs, let alone hiding them.
5.) Went to the dentist for the first time in 12 years this past Wednesday. Zero cavities.

Paul McCartney, Carl’s Jr., and Jay Cutler, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Annual Singapore Dragon Boat Festival

2009-04-03T19:10:00.001-05:00

I’ve been all over the world, and written about many cities, but since I’ve started guest blogging for the Travel Channel I must admit I’ve blogged on more towns that I’ve ever visited. I’ve read and watched much about Singapore over the years, but I’ve never even set foot in the city limits. Amazing, really, and at times I feel like I’ve been taken out of my comfort zone as a writer when I do so.

This week on Dhani Jones Tackles the Globe, Jones travels further outside of his comfort zone to take on the 2,000-year-old sport of dragon boat racing in Singapore. It’s been common observation that if you want to learn something about foreign lands and faraway places, you need to eat their food. But, Jones has a much different approach. He states to learn about a culture, you must play their games. Becoming a dragon boat captain is arguably the most interesting challenge Jones has committed to on his young series, as he trains for The Annual Singapore Dragon Boat Festival, and that must certainly be better than playing for the Cincinnati Bengals. Tune in Monday Night at 8 PM C on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
April 3, 2009
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) One of my students asked me who Paul McCartney is this week. That stinging you feel is your heart. Don’t worry. It will go numb soon. Mine did.
2.) Gay love is allowed in Iowa. Yeah, I had to read that twice too.
3.) Planning for the fall semester at St. Edward’s University today, the faculty talked heavily about how we are going to embrace “Darwin Day” this November. On point three, and this must be the weirdest of all my five easy pieces to date.
4.) The Jay Cutler trade from Denver to Chicago troubles me. Both sides look somewhat good, but new Broncos head coach Josh McDaniel looks weak as it is common knowledge owner Pat Bowlen made the trade happen. And what of Cutler? If he doesn’t grow up fast, he’s on his way to being the next Jeff George.
5.) Back to the Denver/Chicago trade, the Broncos will take two defensive players this year with their draft picks and will hold out in drafting a QB to replace Cutler until 2010 when they will have Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford around to choose from. The Bears must hope Cutler has chemistry with his old Vanderbilt teammates as they already have Earl Bennett at WR and Chris Williams at LT...and no draft picks to make up the difference.
Coda
I was lecturing about Fast Food Nation this week, a lecture in which I have students bring fast food into class where we dissect the nasty food like biology lab frogs (pictured). A student brought a Carl’s Jr. #8. This is a half-pound of beef patty, bacon, three slices of cheese, 1,000 Island Dressing, mayo, guacamole, lettuce, tomatoes, and onion. I took one nibble and I can still feel it sticking in my stomach.

Dhani Jones Plays Rugby, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Miss Jolly Old England

2009-03-27T19:29:00.000-05:00

After reading Bear vs. Shark, I’ve started to wonder what other unholy out of water death matches we humans could come up with. Perhaps beetle vs. spider, rock vs. paper, or Homer Simpson vs. Peter Griffin. Perhaps something more esoteric? How about football vs. rugby? This week on Dhani Jones Tackles The Globe, the Cincinnati linebacker travels across the Atlantic to London, England to challenge the sport and culture of, yes, rugby forefather of our beloved Sunday game.

Jones joins England's oldest rugby club and endures hardhearted practices prepping him for his rugby debut. From foxhunts to finding the perfect suit, Jones finds himself immersed in an amusing and traditional English adventure. This episode plays with the fish out of water concept once again and is a perfect example of why the colonies revolted from the redcoats, and why English can never seem to stop Germany without the United States. Joking aside, the show did make me long for jolly old England, a country I haven’t visited in a decade. The jury is still out on Jones’s new show, it isn’t nearly as good as the other shows the Travel Channel has me bark about, but at least it’s better than playing for the Bengals. This episode will premier on Monday at 9PM C on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
March 27th, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) I’m looking forward to this years Fusebox. http://fuseboxfestival.com/events/details/76-parades-processionals-and-percussion
2.) Personally, I think the Pittsburgh Panthers basketball team has awesome talent, but plays with a recklessness that will cost them a game.
3.) Listening to a lot of Neko Case recently. Fantastic singer with killer lyrics like “…in the end I was the mean girl, or somebody’s in between girl…”
4.) As usual, South Park stepped up and attacked the origins and negotiations of the recent economic issues plaguing America, and the world. Sharp and pointed, South Park has solidified its place as the most important show of the past ten years.
5.) I placed a question on my twitter feed (which I use for business, publishing, ect) asking help in naming the main character in my new play. Author and F.O.T. Nova Ren Suma is currently winning the name game. The character will be called "(?), the Rodeo Queen of San Marcos." She sells her soul for the perfect smile, and now the Devil has come for her teeth. The whole play takes place in a dental chair. The rodeo queen and the Devil fall in love. That's the kind of girl she needs to be, and her name must reflect. Nova came up with the simple, yet sweet "Lucy". Thus, if Nova wins, the character will be called "Lucy, The Rodeo Queen of San Marcos" unless someone can come up with something simpler and sweeter. You wanna take a shot at it? Drop me a comment. Also, you can pre-order Nova's new novel here http://www.amazon.com/Dani-Noir-Nova-Ren-Suma/dp/1416975640/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1230919862&sr=8-1

CODA
Author, Ohio State professor, and F.O.T., Manuel Luis Martinez posted an essay on facebook regarding shantytowns. I don’t want to transplant the entire essay, but here is part of the first paragraph…

“So there's news reports that people are living in tent "communities" all over the country. My question is, what the hell took the media so long to stumble on to this "story?" There's been people living in tents since I can remember. I'm guessing that it's the definition of "people" that has changed, as in "white" previously "middleclass" "people." Don't get me wrong, homelessness is a fucking blight on this land no matter who is sleeping out in the rain. But I must confess that I find it puzzling that no one seemed to give a damn when it was only poor, homeless vets, or brown "illegal aliens," or "crazy people" living on the streets.”

I’ve written about my love of this mans writing before, with prejudice to his essay on meeting Vonnegut. As always, Martinez is Brilliant with a big B.

Dhani Jones Fights Cheese Mongers, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Realized How Much I Miss The Swiss Alps

2009-03-21T12:55:00.001-05:00

While getting dehydrated the old fashioned way with F.O.T., and former football player, David Wright at the Paste Magazine party for SXSW I mentioned the Travel Channel was slipping me feeds about the new Dhani Jones show. Wright, usually impressed by little, quickly commented how Jones is a great painter, and one of the few renaissance men in today’s NFL.

This week, Jones hits one of my favorite countries, Switzerland, to compete in the Swiss national sport, Schwingen (sort of…kind of…like wrestling for men with real daddy issues). In a ring of sawdust, yes sawdust, in the northern Alps, Jones is tested by the local farmers, woodchoppers, and cheese monger. Jones is exposed to a tradition that brings him face-to-face with some of the finest "schwingen fighters" in the land. What a blast. Watching some of this I found myself missing the Swiss Alps, and, anyway, to wrestle these rascals must be better than playing for the Bengals. The episode airs Monday March 23rd at 8PM CT on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
March 21st, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) Red Red Meat at SXSW was fantastic. Free Dewar’s always makes the shows better.
2.) Saw a SXSW showcase of Texan short films. Most where bad, but “Dear Sadie,” was a good flick. I wanna see it again.
3.) I really want to catch the Octopus Project this weekend, but question if I will have the time.
4.) Is it me, or are Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner's eyes about to explode out of his skull?
5.) I’m proud to say I called Cleveland State over Wake Forest. However, the rest of my March Madness bracket is a mess.

Dhani Tackles the Globe, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Realized I Will Never Get My Blog Back

2009-03-14T15:21:00.001-05:00

As the latest season of Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations has come to a close, I thought the Travel Channel would relinquish me of my preview duties to roam the inter-web, writing snarky comments about football, South Park, and American politicos. Nope. Mixing my lust for football, and my ability to watch countless hour of television without blinking, I will now be blogging on a spankin’ new series for the Travel Channel, Dhani Tackles the Globe, premiering this Monday, March 16th, at 8 p.m. CT.

Each week Dhani Jones, the former University of Michigan linebacker and current Cincinnati Bengal (yes, I’m writing many jokes about that) will travel to a different country and learn to be a Muay Thai Fighter, Rugby Player, Schwingen Wrestler, and even a Dragon Boat Racer. Outside of this tomfoolery, Jones will introduce the audience to the coolest places to eat, drink, and crash in each country. The first episode focuses on Bangkok, Thailand as Jones trains to compete in a Muay Thai boxing match. It’s too early to tell, but this series might be a real kick, and has to be a better gig than playing for the Bengals.

Timothy Braun
March 14, 2009
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) Ryan Adams marries Mandy Moore. I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about this.
2.) Going to the rodeo this weekend. I love the rodeo. othing is better than the sheep herding contest.
3.) Headed back to NYC the weekend of May 15th for a reading of my latest play with AndHow!
4.) My list of things to do while at the Santa Fe Art Institute keeps getting longer. It now involves writing two new plays, editing an old play, getting the first draft of my novel done, writing a new essay, and research four new ten-minute plays. I need to do all of that in four weeks, and I just learned Laurie Anderson will be there with me.
5.) SXSW has started in Austin. I want to see some bands, but wonder if I have time. Gonna try to spend time F.O.T.'s David Wright and Tim Guthrie.

Saigon, I Can’t Believe I’m Still In Saigon, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Food of Vietnam

2009-03-07T16:54:00.001-06:00

Vietnam. I’ve never met anyone from the country who didn’t love food. Not “like” food. Love. The country is a mix of cultures, with copious amounts of Asian and French influence. From noodle dishes, to crepes, to the best sandwiches on earth, it is never a question of where to eat in Vietnam, but a question of what will be missed? You can’t have it all. Here in Austin, a new Vietnamese sandwich truck, Lulu B’s, is the most popular place in Travis Heights. In the latest installment of No Reservations, Anthony Bourdain prowls the streets of Saigon, chomping on garlic sautéed seafood, vegetable crepes, and slurping cold beer from every corner of the streets.

In this episode Bourdain also reunites with the current owner of Les Halles (his old restaurant and one of my favorite joints to eat in New York), Philippe Lajaunie, for some grub blending French and Vietnamese cuisine, and for a stroll around a local fish market: a loud, smelly, bustling market run mainly by “women”. It’s a good time. The new, and last episode of the season, airs Monday, March 9 at 9pm CST on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
March 7, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) In Matt Cassel's first news conference with the Kansas City Chiefs, someone asked if he was looking forward to meeting Bernard Pollard, the player who smacked Tom Brady’s knee last fall. Cassel would still be on the bench if it weren't for Pollard and the Chiefs, and now he is playing for them. Karma?
2.) A Dutch artist invents a phone to god. This makes me wonder if god has an iPhone, and the iFart application. Does god’s phone fart when it rings?
3.) I have a story in the new issue of the Northville Review. http://www.northvillereview.com
4.) I plan on seeing The Watchmen this Tuesday. I’ve heard it is terrible, but I want to see it anyways.
5.) My student, Katherine, brought a list of 25 reasons beer is better than women into my American Dilemmas class this week as we studied gender roles. My favorite of the 25? “Hangovers go away.”

The Sri Lanka Report, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Realize Kansas City Will Be Next Seasons Atlanta

2009-02-28T18:30:00.003-06:00

Portuguese, Dutch, British, Indian, Arab, Malay and Moor traders have all contributed to the diversity of Sri Lankan food, and this week Anthony Bourdain takes No Reservations to the island. While in Colombo, Bourdain chomps on street foods (would you expect less), rides in a tri-shaw, samples lampreis, and eats a heaping pile of kotu roti.

I feel as if cable TV outlets for years have ignored the real culture of Sri Lanka. It can be a dangerous, country with a rough and tumble past, riff with a non-consistent history that is always being disputed. It’s just not the kind of place most Americas want to take a vacation. Bourdain attempts to penetrate the surface of this country and expose what dense complexities underneath. Tune in on Monday, March 2 at 9pm CST on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
February 28, 2009
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) The trade of Matt Cassel and Mike Vrabel from New England to Kansas City is nothing short of shocking. Kansas City receives both a young, strong-armed QB who will probably be the face of this franchise for the next decade, and a defensive captain for only a 2009 second round draft pick. The plus to this for K.C.; Vrabel is a goal line TE. I’ll say it now, Kansas City will be next seasons Atlanta.
2.) Just picked up F.O.T. Michael Chabon’s Maps and Legends. Good stuff.
3.) After a monkey mauled a Connecticut woman, the U.S. congress debated making monkey-pet ownership illegal. This didn’t annoy me. It infuriated me. 47 million Americans have no health insurance, we are fighting a war, the economy is terrible, 100 banks are expected to close in 2009, Detroit has no pulse, and lawmakers want to debate about monkeys as pets. Every single representative involved in the stupid debate owes the American public one big blumpkin.
4.) I disagree with Bill Maher’s question as to why America still has 57, 000 troops in Germany. Maher said Germany can govern them selves, but I argue the troops are not Germany for Germany. They are in Germany for Russia, Syria, Iran, and so on.
5.) I haven’t heard it yet, but I can’t wait to get the new Black Keys album produced by Danger Mouse.

Disappearing Manhattan, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Watch Bourdain Reclaim His Childhood

2009-02-21T13:16:00.003-06:00

The best part about New York City is the personalized stories, the personalized restaurants, that each and every person has, and I have dozens of them. However, most of mine are gone, most of mine are in the past. Korona's Pizza on Broadway and 110th (my local pizza joint for 8 years) is now gone, along with my favorite Cambodian eatery that used to be right across from BAM in Brooklyn, replaced by a BBQ shack. On my last trip back home to NYC, only M&M Deli and the Sullivan Street Baker still stood from my past.

In an episode titled “Disappearing Manhattan”, Anthony Bourdain takes No Reservations on search for the oldest, and classic New York restaurant from his youth. These landmarks, such as Katz's Deli, Russ & Daughters, Hop Kee, and Sammy's Romanian, are nothing short nothing short of haunting skeletons, and due to the changing times, these establishments are in danger of disappearing off the NYC cultural map. Bourdain refers to this episode as his love song to the great city of New York, and anyone who has been to my former city will instantly understand why. Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations "Disappearing Manhattan" Monday, February 23 at 9pm CST on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
February 21, 2009
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) F.O.T. Ben Masur sent me a great NY Times article on Wallace Stegner. You can catch it here. http://egan.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/02/18/stegners-complaint/
2.) Just got an email from former student Ashley Yong-Liy. She just landed in China for a special program where she is the only American student. She says, “I am so happy here!! Even if I do not speak a single word of Chinese, and most of the Chinese people do not speak English, it is so cool to try to communicate with them with body language.”
3.) The NFL combine is this week. For those keeping score, keep an eye on LB/DE Larry English of N. Illinois. And, don’t forget Western Michigan’s FS Louis Delmas.
4.) The average price of a home in Detroit is now $18,000. I think New Orleans is a more realistic place to live right now. On the same note, abandon homes in the California hills are being inhabited by cougars. No, not thirty something sexually active ladies looking to coach young boys into manhood, actual cats.
5.) What will happen if both Citi Bank, and Bank of America go down this week? That is what I’m expecting, but what will happen?

CODA
This week on Lost, we were introduced to a new character, Jack’s grandfather. The introduction was odd, and seems forced on the surface, but as many that watch Lost know, no character is introduced without dividends. The popular theory on the web, most notable by EW’s Jeff Jensen, is that Jack’s grandfather is actually time-skipping Jack himself. However, I beg to differ. The character is introduced, as a person who has attempted to break out of his old age home several times, is restless, and has a clearly empathetic relationship with our hero. This is a character who Jack seems to like, but is still a thorn in his side. Then, Jack’s grandfather asks him if he is still seeing the girl with “the freckles.” For me, this be a hint that Jack’s grandfather is not Jack, but rather Sawyer…the restless adventurous, always-on-the-run troublemaker who refers to Kate (the women Jack and Sawyer have fought over) “freckles”. You got a theory? I would be glad to hear it.

Bourdain In The Philippines

2009-02-15T15:33:00.000-06:00

After the rather ridiculous “Food Porn” episode, which I must admit I found to be riddled with gimmicks, Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservation gets back to a classic format. This Monday Bourdain drowns himself in the culture and street cuisine of Philippines, and he returns to what he does best by sampling the foods we can’t get in the States or at the local P.F. Changs. Bourdain dives deep into Filipino history and the many prominent cultures of the islands. He travels to Manila, Pampanga, and Cebu, visiting a dampa and dining on adobo shrimp, sisig, stuffed crab, goat heads soup, and ox tail. One of the more interesting exchanges involves eating chicken balls in an alley. No Reservations (Philippines) airs on Monday, February 16 at 9pm CST on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
February 15, 2009
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) I’m reading The Blind Side by Michael Lewis and should have a book review coinciding with this April’s NFL draft for the Austin Chronicle.
2.) I think it has something to do with “no football” but I always write better in the spring. By the end of the summer I intend to have two new plays, a short story about an episode of Wheel of Fortune I attended, and a working draft of my novel completed. Then, back to football.
3.) I know she will hate that I mentioned this, but I got a great email from F.O.T. Monique Truong. She’s finished her new novel. She’s been working on this sucker for years, and I can’t wait to read it.
4.) I’ve been listening heavily to TV on The Radio while grading papers. Dang, that is one fine band.
5.) I can’t begin to pimp this enough, but long time F.O.T. David Levine is interviewed in the latest issue of The Believer. A Great read that even features a color photo of yet another Friend Of Timmy, Sophia Skiles.

Food Porn, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Start Loving Pork Skin Tacos

2009-02-08T10:45:00.007-06:00

Get ready for a tasty treat on your tongue with this week’s No Reservations. Anthony Bourdain is joined by chefs Eric Ripert (yes, we love Eric), Alan Wong, and Martin Picard. They explore the hot and hardcore theory of food porn, a notion that the human body has comparable chemical responses to food and sex.
In his quest for food love, Bourdain samples pork skin tacos, steaming pho, hot, some rather odd yet serious looking cheese based dishes, squirming octopus tentacles, the dirty 'business end' of a warthog, codfish sperm, a juicy eyeball of a freshly-killed seal, chocolate (naturally), and of course, a more pig than one should really consume. Tune in Monday, February 9th at 9pm CST to get your rocks off.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
February 7th, 2009

5 Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) I was reading over Jimmy Carter’s The "Crisis of Confidence" Speech the other day, and want to share a transcript of it here. http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/carter/filmmore/ps_crisis.html
2.) I really want to see Coraline, but I still haven’t seen Slumdog Millionaire, or The Wrestler yet.
3.) No football? This is when I start paying attention to basketball. How are my Indiana teams doing?
4.) I’m starting to see what the Kansas City Chiefs are doing, and I like it. Sort of. Todd Haley being hired, but with head coaches as coordinators, spells a lack of confidence. Not what you want in a new head coach.
5.) Walker’s Chips of the UK has developed the new “Cajun Squirrel” flavored chip. I wonder what a Cajun squirrel tastes like.

CODA
Last week, F.O.T. Jim Pavlik openly attacked my comments on Chicago style pizza being nothing more than quiche (you can read his comments at the end of last weeks blog). Jim attempts some rather interesting points in comparing various forms of pizza, but he only raises more questions with his comments. What is pizza, and when does it cross over into other realms? In defense of quiche, Jimmy recognized that pizza can’t be everything, “I'm venturing into dangerous territory here because if I'm not careful I'll have to admit that drinks made with Godiva liqueur and caramel schnapps are "martinis" but c'mon…” But, c’mon indeed, Jim. This is a similar argument to “what is art?” Is a painting by an elephant in the same “family” as a Picaso? Is having a glass of Godiva liqueur the same as a dirty Tito’s? We can call a Chicago style ‘za a pizza all we want, but it will never make it pizza much in the way we can call a pig a swan, yet it will always be a porker. I would also make a sexual joke here, but self-control has taken its grip. (HINT: the joke involves Katy Perry and Chris Farley).

In these dark and dangerous times, we must uphold the integrity of our greatest dishes. Pizza is hand-tossed with no more than three toppings. Anything else should be eaten by the French as they surrender to whomever is invading, like a pack of girl scouts, or Cajun squirrels.

If you have questions on if you are eating pizza, or some delicious, yet bastardized version of the beloved meal, quickly mail the pie (overnight it, please) to 2425 Cromwell Circle, Apt 212 Austin, TX 78741. I shall eat this pizza…FREE OF CHARGE…and supply you with the answer. In these hard times, we need good answers to the difficult questions. I can supply you with these good answers, as I am always right and never wrong.

It’s Not Pizza. It’s Quiche, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Bourdain In The Second City.

2009-01-31T15:29:00.001-06:00

Growing up in Indiana, I’ve never really cared for Chicago. It’s theater is simplistic (we have both kinds theater in Chicago. Realism, and naturalism.) their politics have always been ugly, and the weather is damn cold. There’s a reason why a cow burned the town down in 1871. This week, my man Anthony Bourdain tackles Chicago on No Reservations. He has a much anticipated meeting with avant-garde chef Homaro Cantu, dines at the famous L20, and confronts Chicago style pizza. Although I enjoy Chicago style pie, it is not pizza. It is quiche. Tony goes off the beat and path to experience some of the finest quiche of the Second City. You can catch No Reservations on The Travel Channel this Monday February 2nd (Groundhog Day) at 9:00 CST.

Timothy Braun
Austin, TX
January 31st, 2009

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) Thanks to Euphony (ironically published the University of Chicago) for publishing my new pay.
2.) Thanks to flatmanCROOKED for publishing my old story “Men With Guns.”
3.) I think the Steelers will a few fancy tricks up their sleeves for Kurt Warner.
4.) I’m reading “Bottomless Belly Button.” Good stuff.
5.) I’m already prepping for the NFL Draft. Dang, it is a load of work.

The Azores

2009-01-24T08:39:00.000-06:00

This week’s episode of No Reservation is exactly what the Travel Channel should be about. Instead of inviting the viewer to an obvious or popular location, Anthony Bourdain hosts an hour in The Azores, an area of Portugal rich in beauty, nature, and of course, food. Bourdain jumps from one island to the next while on the archipelago, feasting on potatoes, pork, sausage, cabbage, shellfish, Portuguese soup and washing it all down with Gin and Tonics. The images were enough for me to look into vacationing in the area. You can catch the episode on the Travel Channel this Monday at 9:00pm CST.

Timothy Braun
January 24th, 2009
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) The Dallas areas Covenant School's girl’s basketball team beat up on Dallas Academy (a school for “special” students) 100-0, shooting threes and performing a full court press defense well into the fourth quarter. Sad times for sportsmanship.
2.) Mad Magazine goes to quarterly as of issue #500. Sad times for humor.
3.) "Drunken Negro Face" cookies on sale at a Greenwich Village bakery. Sad times for “change.”
4.) I can’t wait for Andrew Bird’s new album.
5.) Lost came back this week, and few were as excited as me. The island skips across time, and I think space, I believe I have figured out how the show will end, something circular, perhaps with flight 815 crashing on the island. What a fun show.

CODA
With the inauguration of President Obama, there sure was a whole o’ prayin’ goin’ on. Here is a transcript of a prayer I found to be grand by 87-year-old Rev. Dr. Joseph E. Lowery.

Transcript courtesy Federal News Service

God of our weary years, God of our silent tears, thou who has brought us thus far along the way, thou who has by thy might led us into the light, keep us forever in the path, we pray, lest our feet stray from the places, our God, where we met thee, lest our hearts, drunk with the wine of the world, we forget thee. Shadowed beneath thy hand may we forever stand -- true to thee, O God, and true to our native land.

We truly give thanks for the glorious experience we've shared this day. We pray now, O Lord, for your blessing upon thy servant, Barack Obama, the 44th president of these United States, his family and his administration. He has come to this high office at a low moment in the national and, indeed, the global fiscal climate. But because we know you got the whole world in your hand, we pray for not only our nation, but for the community of nations. Our faith does not shrink, though pressed by the flood of mortal ills.

For we know that, Lord, you're able and you're willing to work through faithful leadership to restore stability, mend our brokenness, heal our wounds and deliver us from the exploitation of the poor or the least of these and from favoritism toward the rich, the elite of these.

We thank you for the empowering of thy servant, our 44th president, to inspire our nation to believe that, yes, we can work together to achieve a more perfect union. And while we have sown the seeds of greed -- the wind of greed and corruption, and even as we reap the whirlwind of social and economic disruption, we seek forgiveness and we come in a spirit of unity and solidarity to commit our support to our president by our willingness to make sacrifices, to respect your creation, to turn to each other and not on each other.

And now, Lord, in the complex arena of human relations, help us to make choices on the side of love, not hate; on the side of inclusion, not exclusion; tolerance, not intolerance.

And as we leave this mountaintop, help us to hold on to the spirit of fellowship and the oneness of our family. Let us take that power back to our homes, our workplaces, our churches, our temples, our mosques, or wherever we seek your will.

Bless President Barack, First Lady Michelle. Look over our little, angelic Sasha and Malia.

We go now to walk together, children, pledging that we won't get weary in the difficult days ahead. We know you will not leave us alone, with your hands of power and your heart of love.
Rev. Joseph Lowery Inaugural Benediction. Transcript.

Help us then, now, Lord, to work for that day when nation shall not lift up sword against nation, when tanks will be beaten into tractors, when every man and every woman shall sit under his or her own vine and fig tree, and none shall be afraid; when justice will roll down like waters and righteousness as a mighty stream.

Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get back, when brown can stick around -- (laughter) -- when yellow will be mellow -- (laughter) -- when the red man can get ahead, man -- (laughter) -- and when white will embrace what is right.

Let all those who do justice and love mercy say amen.

AUDIENCE: Amen!

REV. LOWERY: Say amen --

AUDIENCE: Amen!

REV. LOWERY: -- and amen.

AUDIENCE: Amen! (Cheers, applause.)

Last Supper (sort of), or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Realized Chili Dogs Make The Best Meal

2009-01-17T18:42:00.002-06:00

When I started my Last Supper project a summer ago, where I interview a person on what they would want at their final meal, the question is always thrown back to me. I’ve thought heavily about that question and often come to some oddball combination buffet of escargot, hamburgers, blue corn green chili enchilada, movie popcorn, drunken goat cheese (my favorite of the cheeses), an assortment of Americanized Chinese food, sushi, turkey legs, Channa Saag, Kadhu Curry, Carolina style ribs, New York style pizza, Chicago style pizza, and guacamole as an appetizer. Or, just simply, a pot of Kraft mac ‘n cheese and a box of wine. However, in all of my last supper thoughts I’ve neglected one of my all time favorite meals: the chili dog. I love chili dogs. I relish chili dogs. Admittedly, I haven’t had a chili dog in almost ten years and as I look at these words I must ask myself why that is? When I was young and had hair I would take trips to Kings Island, an amusement park outside of Cincinnati, just to eat from the chili dog stand parked outside the entrance of the mighty Beast rollercoaster. To have a dog covered in onions and fake orange cheese, what could be better?

This week Anthony Bourdain takes his No Reservation act to Washington, D.C. to sample foods from one of the all time great foodie towns. With all the embassies, ambassadors and representatives from around the world, Washington has become a town known for getting what you want, when you want it, and it won’t be bad. You can get Americanized Chinese in D.C., but you can get real Chinese too. You can get Ethiopian, Brazilian, Vietnamese, French, you name, and they got it. But what makes this episode so amusing is Bourdain’s experience at Ben’s Chili Bowl, a fixture of gastronomic joy since 1958. Ben’s offers what is widely considered the greatest chili dog in the country, a half pork-half beef sausage on a warmed bun topped with onions, mustard, and chili. Magnificent chili. Best of all, this dog’s named after Bill Cosby the legendary comedian, and Bourdain will show pics of Hillary Clinton eating one of these monsters. Hillary Clinton eating a chili dog. That is worth your time, isn’t it? I wonder what her last supper would be. You can catch the episode this Monday, January 19th, at 9:00pm (central/my time) on the Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
January 17th, 2009
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind).
1.) I love Zach Handlen’s take on Patrick McGoohen for The Onion. You can catch it here. http://www.avclub.com/articles/patrick-mcgoohan-son-of-a-bitch,22428/
2.) I also love Bill Simmons predictions on the NFC and AFC Championship games. You can catch those here http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090116&sportCat=nfl
3.) Matt Taibbi on Thomas Friedman is brilliant. You can catch the essay at this link.
http://www.nypress.com/article-19271-flat-n-all-that.html
4.) F.O.T. Nova Suma got me reading Miles From Nowhere by Nami Mun. Two pages into it and I think this is one fine book.
5.) I’m thinking about writing a collection of flash fiction called Warren G. Harding and George W. Bush Fist Fight In Heaven.

Coda
I’ve been trying to write something about the firing of Jon Gruden from the Tampa Bay Bucs, and all I can come up with is that I am shocked but not surprised. Yup. You read that correctly. Gruden can be a genius, but has rarely put together a consistent team from year-to-year, and never demonstrated a plan or philosophy for player pickin’. I’m shocked the Bucs finally came to the conclusion they should dump the man, but I’m not surprised as to why. While I’m here, I like The Lions picking up Jim Schwartz to be the new head coach, and I love The Rams selecting Steve Spagnuolo. Spagnuolo will make Chris Long a star.

The Venice Episode, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Started Lovin’ The Risotto

2009-01-11T12:49:00.003-06:00

In the Travel Channel’s never ending quest to disrupt my watching of the NFL play-offs, and hijacking federal prison 30664, I’ve been presented with Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations, Venice episode that airs Monday, January 12th. What’s great about this episode is that Bourdain steps back from the Venice of tourists (would you expect anything less?), and goes after the heart of this amazing city, arguably the most beautiful city in Europe. He eats baby octopus and snails (two of my favorites) off a wood oven stove, and fresh tree figs, plump tomatoes, freshly cut basil, sea bass, and spider crab.

The most interesting portion of the episode delves into fresh risotto, reminding that risotto is not just rice, but a magnificent and complex dish. Specifically, Bourdain examines, and I do mean examines, the wonders and history of a fishermen’s risotto, a meal you won’t find at Oliver Garden, or any place on Mulberry Street for that matter.

Timothy Braun
January 11, 2009
Austin, TX

Five easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) F.O.T. David Wright is the second coolest guy in the Central Time Zone. How cool is he? David just got a bacon tattoo on his leg, and he’s a member of the bacon of the month club. Why is David the second coolest guy in the Central Time Zone? The coolest guy will rotate from time to time, depending on politics, art, and current affairs. But no matter what, David will always be the second coolest guy in the Central Time Zone.
2.) Tim Tebow won’t be a good pro.
3.) Until the Vikings get an honest quarterback Adrian Peterson is the new Barry Sanders.
4.) I just got The Teaching of Don B. Wow. I am always amazed by words.
5.) As I watch Gaza burn on my television, and listen to every politician in American talk about Israel protecting themselves, I would just like to see one US politician have the guts to say… ah…forget it. When I teach visual argumentation to my students I show them the pictures of F.O.T. Jason Eskenazi, specifically his Wonderland collection of Russia. And, I always tell my students the first step of genocide is to kill the doctors, they are educated and can heal. Then, kill all the lawyers. They know how to manipulate emotions. And, keep all the journalists out. Especially the photojournalist so no one can see what you are doing. 42 words ago did I use “genocide”? So be it. I love Israel, but what they are doing is wrong. I wonder if the will burn Gaza City to the ground, just like Troy.

CODA
As Bush leaves the oval office I do think he has done a poor job. But, what of the Democrats? The Democrats were handed a golden opportunity to challenge President Bush on the war, and everything, when they were given control of Congress. So far they have done absolutely nothing. It seems the Democrats are the greatest thing the Republicans have going for them sometimes. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi reminds me of a college athlete who acts like a hot hen when they get drafted, but fold when it’s time to play.